Showing posts with label I'm just saying that's all. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm just saying that's all. Show all posts

Saturday, November 15, 2008

What to do with Hillary

If I was President elect Obama I'd nominate Hillary Clinton to be Attorney General. She'd make a kick ass top law officer of this nation and she'd clean house on all those shitty Bush lovin' jeebus freaks that Monica Goodling hired. I'm a little frightened about her being Sec. of State because she's a little too hawkish for my taste.


I'd also find a place in my administration for Hilary Duff if I was Obama. And I'd be so kind as to find a place for her sister Haley Duff too. That's how I'd roll if I was Obama, I'm just sayin' that's all.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

House selling tips

We seen quite a few houses in our quest to find a suitable new Monkey Central and I've gathered up enough information to help all you people out there in blog land sell your house faster:
  1. Don't try to save a few bucks and sell your house yourself. Hire a realtor. They don't get paid until you sell so it's no skin off your wallet. If you lived where I lived I'd tell you to hire my realtor because she's such a kick ass gal but since most of you live elsewhere find your own realtor.
  2. If you insist on staying around your house while it's being shown to total strangers don't wear a pair of shorts that allows said total strangers to see your sweaty flabby hairy man ass. And don't wear a tank top that allows your back hair, back fat, and bacne to escape and run free. Seriously, if you MUST be an idiot and follow people who are looking at your house around then do yourself a favor and shower and put on some nice clothes.
  3. If you don't want to wash those few dishes in your sink then at least rinse them off so we don't see that you feed your kids Cocoa Puffs and American cheese food for an after school snack.
  4. It's fine with me if you love Jesus and all his surrogates like James Dobson and Pat Robertson and Benny Hinn, but you may not want to leave their books laying around on all your coffee tables so that people can see you like to read fairy tales by hate mongers. And just between you and me, I'd take down a few of those pictures of Jesus tongue kissing people and humping the UN building because those things are kind of gross. It's fine if you believe all that stuff but you need to realize that everyone else doesn't and it makes them not want to buy your house.
  5. Decorate less. I know you love to show off the shit you've bought and collected through the years, the sea shell mirrors, the frilly lampshades, the soda pop bottles that were heated up and stretched out at the local carnival, but honestly, it's not about you when you're trying to sell your house, it's about the other people imagining how all the stuff they bought and collected over the years will look in your house if and when they buy it.
  6. If you've kept pets in the house then clean up after them. No one wants to smell your dog's shit or your cat's piss scent. If they did then they would get down on all fours and stick their nose up Fido's ass and inhale like crazy or they'd head straight for your cat's litter box when they came by to see you.
  7. You don't need to full court press clean your house but you do need to pick up your kids toys and straighten up a little.
  8. Don't expet to get the full asking price on your house. Build a little wiggle room in the asking price so that people think they're getting a deal when they haggle with you.

Follow those simple rules and suggestions and you're sure to sell your place in a reasonable amount of time.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

I'm not angry

I find it laughable that when certain people find out I am an atheist they immediately tell me I am "angry." What is it about not believing in the same things they do that makes me angry and them not?

I'm not the one who's trying to convince others of how right I am all the time. In fact, it's quite the opposite, I could care less if you believe in all that mumbo jumbo. I just want to be left alone when it comes to religion. I've read all about it, even the other religions most Christians know nothing about, and it's all bunk to me. I've been to church, to bible camp, to revivals, to backwoods shouting churches, to mainstream churches in cities, hell, I even went to a conservative college that was funded mostly by right wing Christians, and you know what I learned from all that? I learned that for me it's all a sham. I learned that religions may be good for some but they are not for me at all. I learned that most all religions are a way for a few people to control a great number of people.

And I learned that religions, especially the Christian ones, get you coming and going. See, they tell poor people that if they work hard and give what little they have to the church then they'll get great rewards in heaven after they die. And then they tell rich people that if they give a bunch of their money to the church they can continue to live as they please and that they too will get big rewards in heaven after they die. So who exactly comes out ahead in all that? Why it's the church of course.

Now of course I understand that there are sincere people in the world who live their faith and who actually are better people because they believe and I respect those people. I respect and admire people like Fran, Rev. John, Ed and Susie, Blue Gal, Ubermilf, and others who don't shove religion at people but who instead try to lead by example. On the other hand I despise sanctimonious people who use religion as a weapon against others, people like Jerry Fallwell, mAnn Coulter, Pat Robertson, James Dobson, and others.

It's people those in that last group and the sheep who follow them who say I am angry because I don't blindly believe like they do. I wonder if they think that the millions of Hindus are angry as well because they aren't Christians like Falwell and his ilk are, and Sikhs too, are they angry as well? Buddhists too? Zoroastrians? Is everybody who doesn't accept Jesus angry? Also, what about the Jews? The New Testament says that only those who accept Jesus are going to be saved and go to heaven when they die, but didn't the Jews have a deal with God prior to Jesus coming down here? Are the Jews going to hell with all the rest of us who don't accept Jesus?

I'm not a holier than thou authority on all things religious so I don't know. But I do know that I don't want anyone leaving Bible verses on my blog and I want to be given the same respect you think you should have. Stop trying to convert me and stop pushing your religions on me. I don't want them and I don't need them.

But some of you will say, "My religion demands I try to save your soul! It my right to make you think and act like I do! You're infringing on my right to practice my faith by refusing to allow me to convert you!" To that I say, my lack of religion is protected by the Constitution so leave me the hell alone. You have the right to spout anything you like but I have the right to ignore you and to tell others to do the same.

In the end I'm not angry because I don't know about Jesus and all the stories about him, I'm just a bit peeved because some of you sanctimonious Christians won't leave me and mine the hell alone. I don't want to go to church with you, I don't want to hear about how Jesus made your trailer trash life bearable, I don't want your Jack Chick tract, I don't want your Watchtower magazine, I don't want to grow a beard and become an Amish farmer, I don't want to read a Bible verse on a jar of jam or at the bottom of a pie tin, I don't want to give any money to quack faith healers, I don't want your book of Mormon, I don't want to hear about how space aliens came to earth to screw with us, I don't want to make any Palestinians move from their houses so I can have their land, I don't want to live in a theocracy be it one run by Muslims, Jews, Mormons, Baptists, or followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

I just want to live my life in peace with out any religious interference. And when I die I don't want any religious service for me whatsoever, in fact I don't want any funeral home service of any kind after I get cremated in the cheapest way possible. I want people who knew me to get together and to have a drink while they swap stories about what an ass or great guy I was. And then later I want my ashes spread over water somewhere. Is that so hard for some of you Christians to understand?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Ummmm...

I wonder if they call it a "Myanmar" shirt now?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The waiting is the hardest part


The rich catty empire waisted goodness that is Project Runway 4 is almost here. It starts back on Bravo on Nov. 14. Meet the new cast here. Don't even think of bothering me on Wednesday nights when it starts airing. I mean it.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Hey Mount Hope Baptist Church van driver

I just want to let you know that the baby Jesus hates it when you run a stop sign. In fact, the baby Jesus will smite your ass next time you do it and if he doesn't then I fucking will.