Old white guys react to Obama's LGBT Non Discrimination order

 "Jesus said I have to love my neighbor as myself, he never said I couldn't discriminate against fags, pansies, and bull dykes.  Does Obama think he's better than Jesus?  I bet he does."

"So I'm not allowed to discriminate against gay people now.  I'm still allowed to discriminate against women, coons, wops, micks, and orientals, right?" 

 "I guess I'll have to get gay married next."

 "I'm only going to hire beauty school dropouts now.  I know for a fact those dudes aren't gay."

 "My prostate is the size of a watermelon."

"I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally."

The usual suspects bring 'the stupid'

A person, a friend of a friend, on Facebook wanted to be cool and hip by knocking Christians who demand we all say 'Merry Christmas.' She agreed with our mutual friend that Christians are far too sensitive to people like me who refuse to say it but then went on to say that after all Christmas was only one day while the Jewish holiday this time of year is eight days long and so is Kwanzaa. Then she betrayed her true nature when she went on to claim "I personally think Kwanzaa is b.s..."

So basically she was okay with letting Christians have their holiday which celebrates the virgin birth of the son o' God and with the Jewish holiday which celebrates having a miraculous amount of oil for their lamps, both stories are religious fairy tales, but she's not okay with African Americans celebrating their African heritage. Nice racism you got there girl.

Another friend posted about his son's school, the Gideons had dropped off a bunch of Christian bibles to be given away to the kids. One mother, a non believer was furious that her son had been given one and she registered her dissatisfaction. Then one of his friends pointed out that kids are subjected to atheism every day in science class so what was the problem with them getting to see the other side of the issue.

Yeah, let that last sentence sink in.

As if science is intrinsically atheist because it teaches us things that contradict the Christian book of fairy tales. Teh stupid, it boggles the mind sometimes. I reminded this dunce that science isn't biased, it's impartial and factual. He shot back that evolution was only a theory and if not for the Christian bible we would not know compassion and how did evolution explain compassion anyway, did it evolve in us or something? Since there is no way to explain the facts to stupid people, I blocked him so I would have to see his stupid assertions. I sincerely hope the idiot hasn't reproduced, or if he has, I hope his kids evolve more than he has.

It's New Year's Eve

Comb your hair...
put your good shoes and socks on...
and party down bitches because some nutty Christians say the world is going to end this year.

Christians can't spell

Thanks goodness Jesus grades on a curve.

Christians can't count

The Good News Quartet has six members.

"Jimmy...

...they just put a man on the moon. Do you know what that means?"

"Gosh no Father McGothlin. Tell me."

"It means that one day soon I'll be able to molest you on the moon."

Here's a very special guest post by Rev. Bocephus Peterson

Greetings Christians and those who haven't accepted Jesus yet and who are subsequently going to hell. I hope you're all doing well, and when I say 'all,' I mean only the Christians. My God, the most awesome and only god out there, has instructed me to drop in here on this atheist blog to give you all a lesson about oil and it's place in our religious and daily lives.

First of all you may be asking:
Oil is the life giving substance that we all need to survive. It powers our cars which take us to church and whatever job you may have, so right there it's hugely important. We also use oils to cook, to lubricate, to eat, and to anoint once and future messiahs. Some say we'd be better off if we left oil alone, but of course those people would be Buddhists, Unitarians, liberal Presbyterians, or some other incorrect religion. God gave us that oil to use and if we don't use it then he'll be mad at us.

Science will tell you that it takes millions of years for oil to form and once again they would be wrong. Oil was formed a few thousand years ago. Jesus appeared to the dinosaurs and he revealed himself to be the son of God. He offered them salvation but they declined because their small brains could not understand the gift our savior was offering them. And this made Jesus angry so he smote them and they turned into light sweet crude, canola, and olive oils and all those oils were runny and they spread out over the entire earth.
After he turned the dinosaurs into oil Jesus calmed down and had a nap. While his son napped God made humans and the rest of the animals. He made them all intelligent so that when the time came they, we, could accept his son. When Jesus woke up he saw what his dad did and he decided that in order to find oil we would have to search for it in places where the people might not know about him. He did this so we could go to far off lands and spread the Gospels while we took the oil God made for us.

All this in your Bibles. All you have to do it to connect the dots and read between the lines.

So remember, when some atheist Communist anti oil Nazi tells you that we're supposed to protect the earth, you tell them that it's in the Bible that we're supposed to burn all the oil we can because God put it here for us to use. And he loves us more than he did the dinosaurs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my local BP station to fill up, spill up, and to pray for more oil.

Okay. I get it. Now move along please.

A round up of things pissing me off right now.
1) Okay, Justice Anthony Kennedy, I get it. Okay? I get the fact that you don't want any defendants in our criminal justice system to have any rights whatsoever. I understand that. You were appointed by St. Ronnie and you're an activist judge who is active for the state and for corporations. Now please move the fuck on to the next phase of your life and retire before you take any more rights away from the citizens of this country. You'll never have to worry about being oppressed by the police who you love to give more and more power to so fuck you.

2) a-Okay Christian idiots, I get it. You hate science because your religion dissolves under scientific scrutiny. I get that. I understand it. I also understand that you hate and fear the theory of evolution, so much so in fact that you invented a different theory to explain what evolution does. Little problem with that though, the creationism and intelligent design stuff you came up with, aren't science or scientific. Evolution can be proven to exist. Your supernatural mumbo jumbo can't be proven using the scientific method. So call it what ever you like but don't call creationism or intelligent design science.

b-Okay Christians, I get the fact that you people hate it when I lump you in with the ghoulish gay sex obsessed jackals at Westboro Baptist, the 700 Club, and the Roman Catholic Society of Child Molesters. I understand your hatred of me when I do that. But you see, the point is that you're all Christians and if you say that Westboro Baptist, or Pat Robertson, or the priest who stuck his finger up a little boy's ass and then jerked off while sniffing it as the kid whimpered isn't as much of a Christian as you are, well, you're kidding yourself. You don't get to pick and choose who is and who isn't a Christian. The yardstick for that spiritual measurement isn't whether the person in question is Christ like, hell if that were the definition than nobody would be a Christian, it's whether that person in question calls himself that or not. I'm not a Christian but that guy who shot Dr. Tiller is. And you call me a bad person for not believing in your fairy tale and for lumping you in with people who share your beliefs? Okay, I get it. You're delusional.
3) Okay I get it people, I farted and my fart stinks. I get it. Now move the fuck on with your lives.

4) Spaceships! Take me away. Oh wait, I get it, you won't come here because we're not evolved enough. I get it. Damn it, I get it.

5) Okay Ted Haggard, I get it. You're starting another church. Since I'm not a believer and never will be ever again, I'll not be attending the First Church of Meth Crazy Jesus Has A Big Boner. Good luck with that though.

6) Hey Russell Brand, I totally get it. You say stupid shit and have wild and crazy hair. And you're boning that no talent chick who sings about kissing other chicks. Guess what douchebag? I don't think you're funny and both you and your girlfriend are frauds. And Ace Ventura called, he wants his hair back. Now, if you'll be so kind, please slink back to your home country and finish the surgery that's turning you into Amy Winehouse. Once your 'comedy' career is over you can come back here and have a nice little go at being lead singer in Ms. Winehouse's tribute band.

7), 8), and 9) Okay. I get it right wing pundits, Republicans who 'hate' big government, and corporate apologists, in your eyes BP did nothing wrong and the oil that's gushing out into the Gulf of Mexico is totally not a problem. You know what, if you really believe the shit that's coming out of your mouth, then you should totally buy some beach front property on the Gulf and you should be forced to eat nothing but fish and fowl that's been killed as a result of the oil disaster. If we find a planet that's like earth but it's uninhabited, you idiots aren't allowed to go. Nope. You're going to have to stay here and live in the mess you helped create and Sarah Palin and her off spring will be your leaders until the end of time. Have fun morons!

Anti gay activist George Rekers sets the record straight

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Good Christian news for modern man and woman

• Over weight obscenely wealthy drug addict Rush Limbaugh is now a spokesman for your God! How great is that? He joins other Christian luminaries such as meth user and male massage lover Ted Haggard and bigot and gay hater Pat Robertson as leading men who divine God's will for the rest of us peons.
• Christian rock musician Jennifer Knapp came out of the closet and admitted she's a lesbian. Upon finding out this news billions of music fans everywhere asked, "Who the fuck is Jennifer Knapp?" However the people who did know who she was promptly set out burning her CD's and condemning her to hell for because of who she loves.
  
• In other gay/Christian news, a law 'school' wants to continue to discriminate against gay folks and are defending their right to do so in court. Way to use those activist judges to your advantage you followers of Jesus!
• The leader of the largest institutionalized child rape organization in the world, the Roman Catholic Church, met with people who his minions have previously sexually abused. They met for a little get away in Malta, presumably due to the lax Maltese laws on sexual abuse of children. The Pope no doubt told them that he forgave them for all the trouble they've caused the church and then he probably asked to be alone with their male children for a few hours so he could 'counsel' them in the ways of the church.
  

Keep up the 'good' work Christians! You're making more and more of us atheists every day because of stuff like this!

Celebrate good times, come on!

A coven of young witches celebrates the news that the National Day of Prayer was found unconstitutional. The next step will be to mandate that all children must read the Harry Potter books, make Halloween a religious holiday, and force feed every one candy that has been prayed over by witches! Then our evil plan for world domination will be complete and Azroth The Blighted One will walk the earth once more! O happiest of unhappy days that will be!

Last book cover post for the week, I promise

Careful now Christians, Jesus is looking over your shoulder and checking your history.

Hey, look!

Over on my other blog I'm being mean towards Christians yet again. Trust me, this time they had it coming.

Trouble at Horse Camp (episode 2)

Click here to read episode 1 and click on each page to enlarge it.

More reviews than you can shake a stick at (although why you'd want to shake a stick at my film and mini series reviews is beyond me)

Auto Focus has been out a while but for some reason I've avoided seeing it until this past Friday night. The short review is it's good, very good. Kinnear, who has fashioned a fine film career for himself since setting the template for snarky hosts of E's Talk Soup. He brings the goods to this performance, his Bob Crane is sleazy and almost pity worthy. Willem Dafoe is beyond creepy in this movie, he plays Crane's friend and murderer. Rita Wilson underplays Crane's first wife nicely and Maria Bello stands out as Crane's second wife. It's fitting that a movie this sexual in nature, for those of you who don't know Bob Crane was a major poon hound and woman chaser and he not only prided himself on having sex with thousands of different women, he had many of the trysts photographed and videotaped, be directed so well by Paul Schrader. Schrader was brought up in a strict Calvinist household and was not allowed to go to the movies during his youth, mush less have sex. I recommend this one but only for mature audiences.

I was hesitant to see Religulous because sometimes I find the comedy stylings of Bill Maher a bit tiresome and didactic. His stand up these days sounds to me more like a harangue than comedy but I've heard such good things about this film I finally relented.

And I'm glad I did. Maher takes on all religions in this film, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and cults like Mormonism, Scientology, and others. He's remarkably fair towards each group, he lets a person from each of the various religious sects hang themselves with their own words and they show with little or no prompting from him why their particular religion is ridiculous. His interviews with humorless Muslims, kooky Christians who believe the end times are nigh, and Jews who are trying to get around the rules about not using electronics on the Sabbath are howlingly funny. My favorite moments are his wrap up at the end of the film and his interview with the priest who clearly is not in line with Roman Catholic teachings in Vatican city.

The deleted scenes and his monologues from around the world in the special features section are hysterical as well. If you are a believer, then see this movie, what have you got to lose? It may strengthen your faith or maybe it will make you less dogmatic and judgemental. If you're a non believer then see this film, it will make you glad you left all that religious nonsense behind you.

Boy howdy, this BBC adaption of Charles Dicken's Little Dorrit was good. I had never heard of the novel and had never seen an adaption of it until they recently ran this one on PBS. It's well worth the hours you'll invest watching it. The three leads, pictured on the DVD cover, are all fantastic and so is the rest of the cast of thousands. You'll recognize many of the actors in it if you watch any British film or TV shows, and you'll see why the same ones tend to always pop up in adaptions like this, it's because all of them are good actors. I highly recommend this DVD and if they run it on PBS again, you need to see it.

********

And finally, I saw this film a few weeks back on TCM:It's one of those early 1960's British ultra realistic 'kitchen sink' dramas and it's one of the films in the popular film canon that every one raves about and tells every one else they have to see it or their life will not be complete.

********

I can now say I saw it and that I hated it. No one in this film was remotely likeable. I hated every one in it. Richard harris was a knuckle dragger who reminded me of asshole jocks who used to try to make my life a living hell. The woman who played his land lady/love interest was repugnant, bitter, and unloveable, it was a mystery to me what Harris's character saw in her. She was mean, cold, and quite a huge bitch. I almost cheered when she died at the end of the movie.

********

The only thing I liked about this film were the rugby scenes and I had no idea what was going on in them since I know nothing about rugby. If you like depressing films that are shot in mono enhanced black and white then this movie is for you. If you like films about guys who dig being abused by their land lady's and who then rape their land lady while her kid's play outside, then this is your film. If you like overrated movies about rugby and the British class system, then this is your movie. It sure as hell wasn't mine, I hated, hated, hated it.

Happy Sunday!

Make sure your 'Helmet of Salvation' doesn't clash with that 'Vest of Invincibility' or the 'Underpants of Befuddlement' that you took from that dwarf in the third circle of hell. It should go nicely with your 1500 hit points and your 'Bag of Holding' though.

God's will

I've been thinking a lot lately about God's will and why it is that only conservative Republicans think they know what God's will is. See, I'm an unbeliever, an atheist, and I'm not afraid to call myself that, but I know a hell of a lot about whats in the Bible. The reason that is is because I used to believe in all that stone age stuff and I've actually read the Bible pretty much cover to cover, sure okay, I admit to skipping some of those really clunky Old Testament books like Habakkuk, Leviticus, and some of the more boring Psalms that sing the praises of killing sheep and frolicking before Yahweh, but by and large I know what each book is about and the meaning behind a lot of the imagery.

And from what I read, especially in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John the teachings of Jesus are actually pretty left wing. They talk about helping out each other, loving one another, and making the world a peaceful place, not a war zone that's full of corporate greed and a prison industrial complex. I'm 100 percent certain that Jesus and his dad are against all killing, even capital punishment (sorry Mike Huckabee you're wrong when you say that Jesus supports capital punishment because he didn't crawl down off the cross). I'm pretty sure Jesus is against amassing great wealth while others starve and live in squalor and poverty, I recall something about how it was easier for a rich man to go through the eye of a needle than to get into heaven, and I'm pretty sure that also refers to rich churches (I'm looking at you modern rich mega churches and at you too ancient Roman Catholic churches, especially the Vatican.).

The conservatives have it completely wrong. God's will isn't that we start wars for oil and that we waste resources he supposedly gave us, his will, if he existed, would be that we don't fight wars and murder innocent people and that we protect and cherish the planet he gave us. God's will isn't that we should all become filthy rich and use tax loopholes to keep from paying taxes that help all people, it's that people use whatever they have to help others who have nothing. I'm certain that God is pretty pissed that we citizens of the USA treat the rest of the world like they are our slaves and that they exist for our amusement and their natural resources are ours for the taking. I'm pretty sure when Jesus said to love thy neighbor he meant Mexicans, Iraqis, those gay and lesbian folks who want to have equal marriage rights, the Asians with the funny sounding names, the homeless people, and all the rest of the people that rich conservatives like Malkin, Coulter, and Limbaugh make fun of and use for target practice.

You see people, and by 'people' I mean Christians who think that God is a Republican who likes low taxes on rich folks, you can't have it both ways. If you believe God is love and that he sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to save all people then you have to believe all the Bible and it's teachings, not just the parts you use to hate on gays and love on getting rich. (Let's just think about this 'only begotten son' business for a second. If God is so powerful that he created everything why would he limit himself to only one son, why not 10 or 20, or 50? Why not a daughter? Why not a gremulator? A gremulator is a one fifth man, one fifth woman, one fifth octopus, one fifth throbbing shade of purple , and one fifth radio controlled Lego block. I mean come on people, he's fucking God, he can do anything he wants, he can make anything he wants, why just have one son? Let that be your starting point to critical thinking about this whole stone age religion business.)

There's no way any sane rational person could read the Bible and conclude that God's will is remotely anything like what conservative right wingers say it is. In fact, the political systems that come closest to emulating the Biblical teachings, especially those in the New Testament, are Marxism and socialism.

But for anyone to claim to know the will of a non existent thing is pretty much madness anyway, so there you go.

Thanks heavens for XUP

For it was she who reminded me that the 'holiday' of easter is actually a celebration of Ishtar (who is another diety I don't believe in but I like her better than the god the Christians came up with). I'd rather celebrate a life giving female than a blood soaked zombie, so happy Ishtar weekend every body!

Too true

Fez tip to Missy for sending me this great sign!

Let's check in with the happiest Christian family in town!

Hi everybody! It's the Thompson's here. We assembled the whole gang to talk to you, Momma B, Brenda Junior, Lil' Red, and Jimmy Kyle. And of course you all know me, I'm the head of this crazy clan, I'm Pop-Pop Enos.

First up, we just want to say we're super psyched to be on Dr. Monkey's blog. Why just a few days ago we didn't even know what a blog was and now here we are on one. It's amazing I tell ya, it's not quite as amazing as what my lovely wife Momma B does with a TV dinner but it's pretty damn close.

Second of all we want to remind you that Easter is coming so you should all pray really hard that all those Muslims and Jews and Mormons and Presbyterians repent really quick and that they find Jesus.

Hey Pop-Pop...

Yes Lil' Red? What is it?

I found Jesus.

I know son. We all found him.

Yeah, but I found him in my sock drawer. Hahahahaha.

Son, you're going to hell for that. You know damn well that Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor. Ok, now, if the joker is done, then I'd like to go on. Third we'd like to remind everybody that the charges against Brenda Junior have not been proven beyond a reasonable doubt, so technically she's innocent. And anyways, she said that the nice man from the group home assured her he'd marry her if it turns out she's pregnant. Honey, didn't you have something you wanted to add?

Ummm, maybe there was something I wanted to say but I forgot what it was. My pills have finally kicked in and I feel dead on the inside...

Okay then, that's enough from you Momma B.

Father? Are we almost done? I have to go to the glory hole to see my friend Randy Felcher now.

What's a glory hole son?

It's a small hole in the wall church where all sorts of men get together to worship. So, can I go now?

Sure thing son, go and have a good time. Pray real hard now. Hmmmm, that boy ran out really quickly, maybe we should set up a glory hole here so him and his friends could worship at home. I'll ask the Reverend about it. Well, our time is about up...

Dead, I feel dead on the inside...

Ummm, oh, okay then, it's time to go. Remember to keep America Christian and capitalist! And don't forget that the words 'Satan' and 'socialist' both begin with the letter 's!' Coincidence? I think not.

And also there's no 'I' in Jesus.

I swear to God son, I will get our Lord and saviour to smote you if you don't stop that shit. 'Bye everybody!