It's Saturday

Go monkey around some.

And now here's a word or two from the god of the Christians

Look, it's not my fault I let that mass shooting go down in Connecticut yesterday.  Really it's not.  Just because I created the world and everything in it, and yes I created puppies, waterfalls, sunshine, HIV/AIDS, childhood cancer, fat smelly asses, pedophile priests, pollution, Fox News, ponies, and everything else, doesn't mean it's my fault.  I created you humans who created guns and bullets, I never dreamed you idiots would put the two of them together so quickly.  I gifted the beings on Platzorp 5 with the same knowledge but after the first time someone got killed by a gun they decided not to use guns and bullets.

But you know what?  I fucking told you people time and time again to praise me more often, so if you had been praising me more you'd have less time to shoot and kill little innocent kids.  So really, this mass shooting is on you.  It's your fault.  You didn't praise me enough.  I wanted more burnt offerings of animals and what did you give me?  The motherfucking Kardashians, Survivor, and Lindsay Lohan as Liz fucking Taylor in a Lifetime movie.  Do you not see now why I had to turn a blind eye to your children.

And another reason this tragedy in Connecticut went down was maybe I was busy answering the prayers of Christians who I actually like.  Maybe I was distracted when I was telling Pat Robertson all kinds of whacked out shit.  Hey, it's not like I'm a great multitasker after all, sure I created everything and I've been around forever and I write the songs that make the young girls sing but you know what?  I did all that shit but I've never been to me.  This 'deity' gig is hard sometimes.  So please, shut up, this is hard.  If you think it's not, then you try it.  Oh wait you can't because you're not me and I'm infallible.

My ways are mysterious, so fuck you.  Get off my back. 

Have yourself a monkey little Christmas

You're all getting bananas for Christmas.  Deal with it.

Diety of the week

Pardon our mess

Renovations are humming right along here at blogging HQ inside of Monkey Central. Some of our new machinery finally arrived over the weekend and my assistant, Field Marshall Heinrich McStubbens,
will be working all week to install it. We're doing it to better serve you, our fine and gentle readers. Yes, it's been a huge expense but it's all worth it if it will keep me on the cutting edge of the blog world.

We'll be installing this:
Fiddling with this:

And we'll be spending inordinate amounts of time calibrating this:
As always we'll be doing all this work while dressed in nothing but our Speedos and a smile.

So if you're in the neighborhood, drop by and say 'Howdy!'

Don't be stupid

Every time I hear that braying jack ass Hannity and that idiot Inhofe from Oklahoma say that cold temps and snow mean that global warming is a hoax I think of this story:

One day a devout Christian minister falls off a boat out in the middle of the ocean. As he bobs up and down in the waves while wearing his life vest he prays to his god to come rescue him. Not long after his first prayer a boat shows up and they offer to pick him up and he declines, saying, "God himself is going to pluck me from the water." The boat leaves and the minister prays harder. An hour later a helicopter shows up and offers to pick him up. He declines saying, "The Lord is going to save me." The helicopter flies away. The next day a cruise ship comes by and offers to pick him up and he declines saying, "My heavenly father will not let me drown. He'll pick me up out of these waters when he is ready." The cruise ship sails away so the minister prays even harder. He prays aloud, "Oh Lord, I have been your faithful servant all my life, why do you not save me? Why do you not pluck me from this ocean?" Just then the sky opens up and in a booming voice his god says, "Hey moron, I sent two boats and a helicopter to save you but you sent them away. You're on your own now dumb ass."

God's will

I've been thinking a lot lately about God's will and why it is that only conservative Republicans think they know what God's will is. See, I'm an unbeliever, an atheist, and I'm not afraid to call myself that, but I know a hell of a lot about whats in the Bible. The reason that is is because I used to believe in all that stone age stuff and I've actually read the Bible pretty much cover to cover, sure okay, I admit to skipping some of those really clunky Old Testament books like Habakkuk, Leviticus, and some of the more boring Psalms that sing the praises of killing sheep and frolicking before Yahweh, but by and large I know what each book is about and the meaning behind a lot of the imagery.

And from what I read, especially in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John the teachings of Jesus are actually pretty left wing. They talk about helping out each other, loving one another, and making the world a peaceful place, not a war zone that's full of corporate greed and a prison industrial complex. I'm 100 percent certain that Jesus and his dad are against all killing, even capital punishment (sorry Mike Huckabee you're wrong when you say that Jesus supports capital punishment because he didn't crawl down off the cross). I'm pretty sure Jesus is against amassing great wealth while others starve and live in squalor and poverty, I recall something about how it was easier for a rich man to go through the eye of a needle than to get into heaven, and I'm pretty sure that also refers to rich churches (I'm looking at you modern rich mega churches and at you too ancient Roman Catholic churches, especially the Vatican.).

The conservatives have it completely wrong. God's will isn't that we start wars for oil and that we waste resources he supposedly gave us, his will, if he existed, would be that we don't fight wars and murder innocent people and that we protect and cherish the planet he gave us. God's will isn't that we should all become filthy rich and use tax loopholes to keep from paying taxes that help all people, it's that people use whatever they have to help others who have nothing. I'm certain that God is pretty pissed that we citizens of the USA treat the rest of the world like they are our slaves and that they exist for our amusement and their natural resources are ours for the taking. I'm pretty sure when Jesus said to love thy neighbor he meant Mexicans, Iraqis, those gay and lesbian folks who want to have equal marriage rights, the Asians with the funny sounding names, the homeless people, and all the rest of the people that rich conservatives like Malkin, Coulter, and Limbaugh make fun of and use for target practice.

You see people, and by 'people' I mean Christians who think that God is a Republican who likes low taxes on rich folks, you can't have it both ways. If you believe God is love and that he sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to save all people then you have to believe all the Bible and it's teachings, not just the parts you use to hate on gays and love on getting rich. (Let's just think about this 'only begotten son' business for a second. If God is so powerful that he created everything why would he limit himself to only one son, why not 10 or 20, or 50? Why not a daughter? Why not a gremulator? A gremulator is a one fifth man, one fifth woman, one fifth octopus, one fifth throbbing shade of purple , and one fifth radio controlled Lego block. I mean come on people, he's fucking God, he can do anything he wants, he can make anything he wants, why just have one son? Let that be your starting point to critical thinking about this whole stone age religion business.)

There's no way any sane rational person could read the Bible and conclude that God's will is remotely anything like what conservative right wingers say it is. In fact, the political systems that come closest to emulating the Biblical teachings, especially those in the New Testament, are Marxism and socialism.

But for anyone to claim to know the will of a non existent thing is pretty much madness anyway, so there you go.