So much to get to, so little time

1) I saw part of a debate between Utah Republicans running for Senate on C SPAN. One of the candidates actually said that when the government does anything it does so at the expense of someone's personal freedom and liberty. He said that even when it does things to help people, the things it does takes away people's freedoms. Ummmm, ooooooo-okay. So I guess according to this guy then ending child labor was a bad thing because we took the freedom to exploit children away from big business. Making get their kids vaccinated denies their children the freedom to contract infectious diseases and making businesses have work place safety rules denies those very businesses the freedom to operate businesses that are hazardous to their employees.

Our government, theoretically, is by the people and for the people and one of it's main functions is to protect the populace so that we can all enjoy our life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Government therefore, is us and we are the government, in theory. In practice however, our government has evolved into a branch of the multi national corporations and it's run not by you and me, but by lobbyists and the people who pay them.

Still, that doesn't mean the idiot from Utah is correct. He's not, in fact, he's so incorrect that he's an idiot. He actually believes the crap Ayn Rand wrote and that Ron Paul says.

2) If the new litmus test to see if you're a 'good patriotic American' is whether or not you denounce Helen Thomas for her remarks on Israel and the Palestinians, then I'm going to be in trouble because I have no intention of denouncing her. Now, before you go crazy and call me anti Semitic and anti American, go back and re-read the previous sentence. Lots of people in this country say crazy shit every day and we don't denounce them, what they are doing is using their freedom of speech. And for those who have trouble understanding what freedom of speech is, it's the following: You can say what you like with the exception of calling for the assassination of the President and Vice President, the violent overthrow of the government, and shouting 'Fire!' in a crowded movie theatre when there is no fire. Other than that you're free to say, write, or read what you like. It doesn't mean that I have to pay attention to you, listen to you, or read the crap you write. Ms. Thomas spoke her mind and shared her opinion, her speech is protected, just like the crazy hateful shit that spews out of the fat drug addict Rush Limbo, Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson, most Christian ministers, and bigots/zealots at Westboro Baptist. I don't agree with any of those people, but I agree that they have a right to say what they like as long as it doesn't break the law. Just like I have the right to make fun of what they say or to ignore what they say.

3) Oh Arizona, it's all about the hate for brown skinned people with you isn't it. You hate the undocumented workers who work power your state's economy, you hate the teachers who speak with an accent, you hate kids learning about their Latin heritage so you took ethnic studies out of the classroom, and now you hate it when brown skinned people see themselves in murals. My friend Spooney had a good suggestion for you hateful people, why don't you just pack up and move to the Midwest where you can be around more white folks like yourselves?

4) Dear BP, the world would like it's ocean back. The fish and waterfowl would like their lives back. The people of the Gulf coast would like their clean beaches back. The fisherman in the Gulf would like their fishing grounds back. And the families of the men killed on your oil rig would like to have their husbands, fathers, brothers, uncles, etc, back. So in closing BP, fuck you. And pony up all your assets, we're going to clean your asses out making you pay for the mess you caused.

5) Hey Elton John, fuck you. You've shown yet again that money is more important to you than principles are. I don't give a shit how much money you raise for HIV/AIDS research, playing at the fat drug addict Rush Limbo's wedding was a stab in every gay man in the USA's back. Fuck you. Fuck off and go polish all the fancy shoes that million dollars is going to buy you. You stopped being culturally relevant about 30 years ago, now go away and stop giving aid and comfort to the enemy of gay people. You bastard.

6) Yo, Obama, grow a pair and stop trying to out Republican the Republicans. You're losing support every time you try to act like them. You lost me, and you're going to lose others if you don't stop pandering and moving to the right.

7) All you Muslims looking for something riot about need to settle down. You evangelicals need to settle down as well. And you Roman Catholics and right wing Jews need to take it easy too. In fact, all of you stop squabbling amongst yourselves and get back to doing what you all do best, hating on us atheists.

8) That skinny chick from the Twi-Lite movies said on the MTV Movie Awards that the Twi-Lite films she's in were 'awesome.' So I can only assume she never learned what the word 'awesome' means.

Here's a very special guest post by Rev. Bocephus Peterson

Greetings Christians and those who haven't accepted Jesus yet and who are subsequently going to hell. I hope you're all doing well, and when I say 'all,' I mean only the Christians. My God, the most awesome and only god out there, has instructed me to drop in here on this atheist blog to give you all a lesson about oil and it's place in our religious and daily lives.

First of all you may be asking:
Oil is the life giving substance that we all need to survive. It powers our cars which take us to church and whatever job you may have, so right there it's hugely important. We also use oils to cook, to lubricate, to eat, and to anoint once and future messiahs. Some say we'd be better off if we left oil alone, but of course those people would be Buddhists, Unitarians, liberal Presbyterians, or some other incorrect religion. God gave us that oil to use and if we don't use it then he'll be mad at us.

Science will tell you that it takes millions of years for oil to form and once again they would be wrong. Oil was formed a few thousand years ago. Jesus appeared to the dinosaurs and he revealed himself to be the son of God. He offered them salvation but they declined because their small brains could not understand the gift our savior was offering them. And this made Jesus angry so he smote them and they turned into light sweet crude, canola, and olive oils and all those oils were runny and they spread out over the entire earth.
After he turned the dinosaurs into oil Jesus calmed down and had a nap. While his son napped God made humans and the rest of the animals. He made them all intelligent so that when the time came they, we, could accept his son. When Jesus woke up he saw what his dad did and he decided that in order to find oil we would have to search for it in places where the people might not know about him. He did this so we could go to far off lands and spread the Gospels while we took the oil God made for us.

All this in your Bibles. All you have to do it to connect the dots and read between the lines.

So remember, when some atheist Communist anti oil Nazi tells you that we're supposed to protect the earth, you tell them that it's in the Bible that we're supposed to burn all the oil we can because God put it here for us to use. And he loves us more than he did the dinosaurs.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my local BP station to fill up, spill up, and to pray for more oil.

Kids say the darndest things about current events

"Yes, I have been in a behind closed doors meeting with my local parish priest. Was it the fact that I'm buttoning up my shirt or the fact that I'll be traumatized about being fondled by a 'man of god' for the rest of my life that gave it away?"

"My hair wouldn't have so much static in it if we didn't let those illegals open so darn many Taco Bells. How long must we God fearing children of teabaggers be forced to eat that crap? Let's send Taco Bell back to Mexico where it came from!"

"Science tells me that God doesn't exist. Well, I told science to go fuck itself and my sister ratted me out to my hot tempered parents. Then I got spanked and got my mouth washed out with soap. So all in all it's been a pretty full day for me."

"When I grow up I hope Rand and Ron Paul, the oil gusher in the Gulf, and the Twilight series are all just bad memories. And I hope you don't use my picture again in this post."

" You bastard."

"This aquatic interlude was brought to you by BP. Oh wait. No, it wasn't. If I had been brought to you by BP then I'd be oil covered and gasping for air."

"This is the 5000th time Dr. Monkey has done one of these kinds of posts. How freakin' deep is his 'comedy' well anyway?"

"My neck has been attacked by an Israeli commando force. They claim it wanted to give humanitarian aid to the Palestinians which is in direct violation of the Bible, Hillary Clinton, and the talking heads at Fox Noise."