What a friend we have in Jesus

If Jesus had kids, he'd have sent them to public school

What didn't Jesus do?

Jesus is coming...

...and this time he's armed to the teeth.

Keep this in mind as you begin your work week

Go ye and sin. Boo ya!

Happy Father's Day from me and Commie Jesus

Commie Jesus had two dads. And so did the Jesus of the all various Christian sects. And they turned out okay. So how about we do the right thing and make gay marriage legal, despite what Elton John says.

Teabagger Jesus got a gun

Gangsta Jesus loves you

Me, I'm not quite sold on you yet.

Why the rest of the world hates us

Sure the rest of the world hates us because we treat them like they exist to serve us, we use up natural resources faster than a family values Republican drops trou at a glory hole, and because we export all the worst things about our culture, bad movies, bad TV, pcorn syrup laden fast food, and unwavering support of dictatorships, the Zionists, and the almighty corporation. And they also hate us because we export our hypocritical Christian 'religion.'

And because they love to make things worse, some Baptists have decided to make the tragedy in Haiti all about them and not about the Haitian people. You see some 'missionaries' from some church in Idaho of all places decided they were going to fly down to Haiti and swoop up some orphan kids in order to save them from a life of voodoo, Santeria, and poverty. They were going to bring those orphans back to the USA where they can live with god fearing Jesus loving white folks because we all know all people every where want nothing more than to abandon their culture, their extended family, and every thing they know just so they can come and live in Jesusland where the Wal Marts stay open all day and night and McDonald's and Starbucks fill their empty belly's. Holy shit, just seeing what I wrote makes me wish that I was a dirty backwards brown skinned foreigner living in a place where a natural disaster hit just so I could take the help of those kind white folks and come and live in this paradise called the US of fuckin' A.

But these Baptists hit a little snag in their plans to rescue those orphans from their awful home country. Turns out they just waltzed down there, with typical American Christian swagger I'm sure, and started whisking kids out without going through the proper channels. Despite being in shambles the Haitian government put the kibosh on the 'missionaries.' And the Haitian authorities have gone so far as to say that these Baptists are child traffickers and kidnappers.

As is so often the case in situations like these, the childnappers Christian humility comes immediately to the fore, he said ironically. For the first two days since they got nabbed for trying to smuggle the kids out of Haiti the Idahoan kidnappers were kept in two small concrete rooms inside the police HQ in Port Au Prince, while hundreds of thousands of Haitian sleep and live outside because their homes were reduced to rubble in the earthquake. But wait, it gets worse for the missionaries. They have no electricity or air conditioning inside their two rooms! And they say it's not fun or fair. They're forced to live like animals while the Haitian people run around outside enjoying the cool breezes and the freedom of not having to pay their mortgages or rent any more! Disgusting!

Just when you thought our intrepid Christian do gooders couldn't have it any worse, it gets worse, because, well, it's almost like Jesus is fucking with them. It turns out that some of the kids they were trying to send out of the country weren't orphans at all! At least one little girl had parents who survived the quake, but I'm sure that didn't mean shit to the Baptists because we all know that desires of poor black folks don't hold a candle to the wishes of white folks who are out to kidnap kids and consign them to a life of slavery in the USA, oops, I mean, to save their wretched little souls and bring them up the way they think Jesus wants them to.

It's disgusting Christian hubris at it's worst. To want to go help is one thing, and it's admirable that so many people went to and are going to go to Haiti to help, but to go down there with the idea that kidnapping kids from the only life and culture they have ever known is as absurd as the idea of a virgin birth or original sin is. If you want to go help, then go fucking help and stop being such a sanctimonious ass. Do go and provide the kids with shelter, food, water, and loving care. Don't go and fill their heads with stories about your fucked up religion and don't assume they want to come live over here with your fat ass and your fat fucking family. People in trouble want help, not lectures about the need to accept Jesus Christ in their lives. Frightened kids want stability and order, they don't want to be torn from their parents and culture just because you think it will win you points with your god.

"What are missionaries Alex. I'll take 'Ways Christianity has Wreaked Havoc on the World' for $1000 please."

Finally, let's remember what Christian missionaries did to the native peoples who lived in Tiera Del Fuego, which is at the bottom tip of South America. The people who originally lived there had adapted to the almost constant cold and rain by becoming stocky and not growing very tall. They went naked year round and it worked for them. But when the missionaries from England hit their shores they preached the gospel and they made the natives wear western clothes, no doubt because it freaked them out to see naked breasts, vaginas, asses, and penises. To their detriment the natives listened and they stopped going naked and started wearing wool sweaters, which stayed wet most of the time, and pants, which stayed wet most of the time, and they changed their diets to match those of the people who came to tell them the good news about Jesus H. Christ. Turns out between catching the diseases the missionaries had become immune to but still spread nonetheless, eating all the imported foods that didn't agree with their digestive tracts, and staying wet in their western style clothes the natives of Tierra Del Fuego were wiped out within just a few years of coming into contact with those British missionaries.

Let's hope the people of Haiti don't succumb to the same fate.

Who's pissing off the Christian Taliban now?

My good friend Calvin is! He posted this picture


on his blog in this blog post. And of course this pissed then off. Strangely, it also pissed off some people who claimed that they weren't Christians or religious. They said Calvin was being mean to the Christians by putting up his blog post and using the above accurate picture, in other words Calvin wasn't being respectful enough of the Christian fairy tale for their tastes.

Well, you know what? Unless you agree with them 100 % and accept their fairy tales as fact they will never ever leave you alone. It matters not a bit to them that you don't believe. They keep trying to turn you into one of them. If you tell them to leave you alone, they keep coming at you endlessly repeating their version of their fairy tale. And they claim they only do this because they love you and want to save you from hell so you can go to heaven. So no matter what you say they keep trying to turn you into one of them.

They say are using their freedom of speech to talk to you about their fairy tale and they are merely exercising their freedom of religion to try to rope you into being a part of their particular sect. So, it's all perfectly fine for them to use those rights which are given to them under the US Constitution. However, it's not okay for you to use your right of free speech to say anything they decree as bad about religion and their fairy tale. They love to ignore the fact that freedom of religion also means that you and I are free not to have one if we so choose. They shout we're declaring war on their fairy tale by not joining them in their mass delusion. They say that we have to respect their fairy tale while they show no respect for our decision to think for ourselves and to not join them in their religion.

Well, I call bullshit on them. No matter how many times you tell me the 'good news' about Jesus I'm not going to believe it. No matter how many times you invite me to your church, I'm not going to come. No matter how loudly you proclaim that you are a true believer and that I should be as well, I'm going to scoff at you. And I'm going to back up people like Calvin who choose to speak out against the Christian Taliban and their insidious anti intellectual, anti science, and anti common sense nonsense.

If you believe in one of those fairy tales, be it the Christian one, the Jewish one, the Muslim one, the Sikh one, the Scientology one, or the Wiccan one, then that's fine. It's your life and you can choose what you believe in. I choose to believe in common sense and what I can see, hear, feel, taste, and touch. I choose to put my faith not in things I can't see or hear, but in what's real. If you get off on Jesus, or Moses, or Joseph Smith, or Xenu, then that's on you, just don't try to make me believe in the same shit as you and don't tell me or my friends that we should keep quiet and show your religion some respect if you don't respect our decision not to have a religion.

And you people, especially you born again Christians, need to stop using your book of fairy tales to justify hating on gays, black people, Mexicans, women, and science. Grow the hell up and evolve with the rest of us, or even better, just leave all of us alone, we do fine without your Bronze age moralizing.

Do you want your children to hate you?

If so, then buy them this game:
Their hate for you will grow each and every time they "play" it.

Did it work?

Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer I decided to pray to Jesus and ask for some things. Here's what I asked for:

• An end to the wars of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan.
• An end to the war on drugs (not because I use recreational drugs anymore, because the war on drugs has been a joke and it's costing us billions of dollars in wasteful imprisonment).
• Bush and Cheney to be arrested for their crimes against humanity.
• Waterboarding for all right wing, and some left wing pundits (I'm looking at you James Carville).
• Raises for good teachers and the leaving behind of No Child Left Behind.
• The smiting of all phony religious "leaders" like Pat Robertson and the farting preacher.
• An end to all disfiguring diseases.
• An end to all childhood cancers.
• An end to the careers of Adam Sandler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and anyone with the last name of Lohan.

I didn't get a damned thing I asked for though. Maybe my alleged Lord and Saviour had a pressing appointment to show up in some one's burrito or maybe he was restoring Bristol Palin's hymen, but for whatever reason he ignored my prayers again this year.

It's almost like he doesn't believe in me, so I'm gonna return the favor.

God's will

I've been thinking a lot lately about God's will and why it is that only conservative Republicans think they know what God's will is. See, I'm an unbeliever, an atheist, and I'm not afraid to call myself that, but I know a hell of a lot about whats in the Bible. The reason that is is because I used to believe in all that stone age stuff and I've actually read the Bible pretty much cover to cover, sure okay, I admit to skipping some of those really clunky Old Testament books like Habakkuk, Leviticus, and some of the more boring Psalms that sing the praises of killing sheep and frolicking before Yahweh, but by and large I know what each book is about and the meaning behind a lot of the imagery.

And from what I read, especially in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John the teachings of Jesus are actually pretty left wing. They talk about helping out each other, loving one another, and making the world a peaceful place, not a war zone that's full of corporate greed and a prison industrial complex. I'm 100 percent certain that Jesus and his dad are against all killing, even capital punishment (sorry Mike Huckabee you're wrong when you say that Jesus supports capital punishment because he didn't crawl down off the cross). I'm pretty sure Jesus is against amassing great wealth while others starve and live in squalor and poverty, I recall something about how it was easier for a rich man to go through the eye of a needle than to get into heaven, and I'm pretty sure that also refers to rich churches (I'm looking at you modern rich mega churches and at you too ancient Roman Catholic churches, especially the Vatican.).

The conservatives have it completely wrong. God's will isn't that we start wars for oil and that we waste resources he supposedly gave us, his will, if he existed, would be that we don't fight wars and murder innocent people and that we protect and cherish the planet he gave us. God's will isn't that we should all become filthy rich and use tax loopholes to keep from paying taxes that help all people, it's that people use whatever they have to help others who have nothing. I'm certain that God is pretty pissed that we citizens of the USA treat the rest of the world like they are our slaves and that they exist for our amusement and their natural resources are ours for the taking. I'm pretty sure when Jesus said to love thy neighbor he meant Mexicans, Iraqis, those gay and lesbian folks who want to have equal marriage rights, the Asians with the funny sounding names, the homeless people, and all the rest of the people that rich conservatives like Malkin, Coulter, and Limbaugh make fun of and use for target practice.

You see people, and by 'people' I mean Christians who think that God is a Republican who likes low taxes on rich folks, you can't have it both ways. If you believe God is love and that he sent his only begotten son Jesus Christ to save all people then you have to believe all the Bible and it's teachings, not just the parts you use to hate on gays and love on getting rich. (Let's just think about this 'only begotten son' business for a second. If God is so powerful that he created everything why would he limit himself to only one son, why not 10 or 20, or 50? Why not a daughter? Why not a gremulator? A gremulator is a one fifth man, one fifth woman, one fifth octopus, one fifth throbbing shade of purple , and one fifth radio controlled Lego block. I mean come on people, he's fucking God, he can do anything he wants, he can make anything he wants, why just have one son? Let that be your starting point to critical thinking about this whole stone age religion business.)

There's no way any sane rational person could read the Bible and conclude that God's will is remotely anything like what conservative right wingers say it is. In fact, the political systems that come closest to emulating the Biblical teachings, especially those in the New Testament, are Marxism and socialism.

But for anyone to claim to know the will of a non existent thing is pretty much madness anyway, so there you go.

He's a sneaky one

As soon as I saw this sign on a church near our house I thought, "Watch for Jesus because he'll sucker punch you if you don't."

Four days in and my slippers are still missing

So I may have to break down and buy a pair of these just so I can kick your ass when you come by to wake me up early.

This is the book that taught Bush Jr everything he knows about foreign policy:

It's the ultimate weapon all right and they've been hitting us with it for the past 7 years. There is only hope for us if we put aside all the stone age bull crap and treat one another as equals for a change.

You know times are tough when...

...Jesus Christ has to get a job after he comes back to earth. At least he's co-owner though, yep he's got that going for him.

The true message of easter

I'm sorry to inform you all that this morning Jesus rose from the dead, walked outside the cave, and he saw his shadow. That means we've got to put up with another year of christianity. Damn.