Christmas done right

Christmas Special 2012: It's an awfully Antipodean Christmas (or Holiday down under!)

That's right people, it's time for my annual Christmas special and this year it's, aside from me, all antipodean!  Why?  Because it's my fucking special and I'll do it with who I want, where I want.  You're not the boss of me goddamn it, especially at Christmas time.  I do what I want.  And this year after watching so many Aussie imports on Netflix and HuluPLUS, I decided I wanted to spend this Christmas special with as many hot antipodean honeys as I could.  So tune in this weekend and you'll see me and Alison Bell under the mistletoe.

We'll be kissing and doing a duet of the classic Aussie Christmas tune, 'It's beginning to look a lot like Bogans.'

Next up the lovely Celia Paquola will snowball me in front of a crowd of half naked drunken elves.

 After a brief shower, I'll unwrap Madeleine West and give her a Yule log she won't soon forget.

Anna Hutchison will join us for a rousing version of 'I saw Santa's Billabong in Mommy's Didgeridoo.'

After a word from our sponsors, Schlubby Soda, Graham's Reindeer Crackers (now with 10% more dried reindeer organs!), and Vaginal Intrusion Brand Sanitary Pads, Asher Keddie and I will conspire while we shit by the fire.

Of course I'll need a shower after that, so I'll soap up and get dirty with Jane Harber while parolees from an unnamed prison in Tasmania watch.

Once I'm all dried and dressed again, Jenna Lind joins me for bit of slap and tickle in a punch bowl full of wassail, after which we're sure to be arrested on public drunkenness charges, so I'll call
 

Simone Kessell to bail me out and she'll arrive in Santa's sleigh wearing nothing but goodwill towards men.  After I check her for crocodile bites in all her private places, we'll swing by and pick up

 the lovely Georgina Haig and we'll drive her into the new year. 

So yeah, this looks to be my best Christmas special yet, so join me, my cast of awesome antipodean babes, my house band, Mojo Nixon and the Toadliquors, and let us all help you ring in the holiday season in style!

Lights of the season

Crimma lites.

My atheist Christmas

Once again God's idiot mouthpiece Pat Robertson got it wrong.  Atheists aren't miserable at Christmas, at least this one isn't.  Once I got rid of all the religious nonsense surrounding it, it became a much more joyous holiday.  People celebrated the winter solstice for thousands of years before Christianity was invented by men.  They celebrated it because it meant, in the northern hemisphere anyway, the slow but inexorable return of longer days and more sunlight.  They celebrated it by spending time with loved ones, both friends and family.  Then, when Christianity took hold, they co-opted all pagan and non religious holidays and they convinced people that these holidays were Christian in origin all along, which of course is nonsense, it was the other way around.

So they moved the day that people normally celebrated the season and they told people that they did it because Jesus was born on Dec. 25th.  They had to get people to stop doing what they'd been doing for thousands of years so they could put their stamp on things.  But more and more people are finding out that most all of what Christianity has done to our holidays has been a lie.  And that's a good thing.

As I've said before on here, we celebrate Christmas by putting up a tree, hanging lights, giving gifts to each other and to our friends.  We also get an angel off the angel tree at Sparky's work place, and no, this tree is not sponsored by or has anything to do with the homophobes at the Salvation Army.  And in the past few years, we've spent more on gifts for the 'angel' than we do on gifts for each other.  We have all the clothes and gadgets we need, so we'd rather make the holiday bright for a kid who might not get anything if we didn't pitch in and help.  We also give to Toys for Tots.

I'm not miserable at Christmas time, and I don't want to stop anyone from saying 'Merry Christmas' or celebrating the holiday in whatever way they choose.  I love Christmas, I love our tree, giving gifts, seeing friends, spending time with loved ones.  These people Pat Robertson has conjured up who hate Christmas, they're figments of his twisted and warped old mind.

Christmas card art

 I love this design I made.  The little blocks and ornaments are totally cool.

 I like my skinny trees with the oversized stars.

 

I like these off center trees with delicate ornaments.

But I like my Saul Bass inspired tree the best. 

Christmas Eva 2011!

The lawsuits stemming from last's years Christmas special 'A Very Special Grease Fire Christmas' have been settled or thrown out of court so that means it's time for this years special! I'm pleased to announce that this year's Yuletide spectacular will be televised on the Schleswig-Holstein Channel on Roku. And I'm even more pleased that my co-host this year is none other than German actress Eva Habermann!
The show will open with Ms. Habermann 'polishing my glockenspiel.' Once I calm down from the excitement of that she and I will sing a lovely duet version of 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland.' Then I'll slowly undress her with my eyes while I sing the John Mayer song 'Your Body is a Wonderland' to her.
Then we'll go out into the streets of Schleswig-Holstein where we'll hide the sausage as we toss boiled anthrax coated potatoes at street urchins. I know, it sounds fucked up but apparently it's a German tradition.
Next up it's back inside the studio where Ms. Habermann will recreate some of the action scenes from the Lexx films she was in while I sit and stare and mumble softly to myself. If I recover my composure in time we'll do a song and dance medley of Bulgarian disco Christmas classics.

As we go to commercial I'll pop a fistful of industrial strength Viagra and pray that it kicks in quickly. And as I wait for it to do so after we come back from the break, we'll run a condensed version of Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol.
Once ol' Scrooge learns the true meaning of Christmas I'll celebrate by trying to pull down Eva's top.
It's okay if it comes down because they show boobies all the time on TV in Europe. She'll retaliate by trying pants me while she sings a dirty version of 'Jingle Bells' in her native German.

Next up it's time to do a sketch about a modern day baby Jesus.
We'll teach the baby Jesus the true meaning of Christmas while the Bethlehem doctors work round the clock trying to put his little stomach back inside his body. His tummy popped out after he ate too much frankincense and myrrh. After the operation we'll call in our super secret surprise guest Dana Delany to clean up the mess from the operation.
Miss Eva and I will then be whisked off to another part of the studio where we'll change into evening clothes, she into a swanky sparkly dress:
And I'll put on a tux and we'll do a romantic duet of 'What are you doing New Year's eve?' Our song will be made even more special because we'll be backed by the Debilitating Leg Pain Dancers:
During the commercial break after I show Eva my yule log again, I'll discover she's about a quart low on Christmas cheer. So I'll make her change back into her Oktober fest dress that highlights her cleavage. While she blows smoke at me I'll do my best to fill her up with as much Christmas cheer as I can, but I'm only human you know.
Finally the Christmas magic will kick in and there'll be a Christmas miracle in the form of a jet that whisks us off to a sun drenched tropical island.
After we rub sunblock all over each other, we'll close the show by swimming nude in a lagoon that's been sprinkled with flowers. We'll kiss, canoodle, and sing Mele Kalikimaka (The Hawaiian Christmas Song) as the closing credits roll.

I'm certain that this years special will be the best ever for me.

So this is Christmas

If I'm posting this late 1960's picture of me and my family, then that must mean it's Christmas day. If you celebrate Christmas, then I hope you had or are having a good one, no matter how you celebrate it. If you don't then I hope you have a great day doing what you do.

Happy holidays and season's greetings to all.

I'll be meme-ing you this Christmas

1. When do you usually know it's the holidays?
I start to 'know' that holiday season is coming around my birthday, which is on Oct. 2oth.

2. What do you want for Christmas this year?
On a large scale I want the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan to be over so we can stop pissing money down those rat holes. On a slightly lesser scale I want to win the Mega Millions jackpot so I can become a philanthropist and also take a massive trip to visit all my blog, Facebook, and Twitter pals. On a realistic scale, I just want peace and happiness for everyone I know and love.

3. Do you go all out with decorations?
Some years yes, but this year not so much.

4. What are you doing Christmas Eve?
We go to Sparky's parents house and eat finger food and drink punch. Then we come home and open one present each.

5. What are you doing Christmas Day?
We'll be opening presents and probably calling a few far flung relatives before we head off to Sparky's parents house for Christmas dinner which is usually turkey with all the trimmings. Then later on Christmas night some friends are coming by for drinks, snacks, games, and goofing around. It's a new tradition we started last year.

6. It's Christmas time. What are you reading?
I just picked up British comedienne Jo Brand's novel The More You Ignore Me at the library so I'll start that tonight.

7. Favorite movie to watch during the holidays?
About a Boy. We watch it every year before Christmas, it's become one of our favorite movies ever. We also watch the Christmas episodes of our favorite British comedies, The Vicar of Dibley, Knowing Me Knowing You, Father Ted, Clatterford, Ab Fab, and some of the French & Saunders stuff.

8. Favorite Christmas song?
This one:


9. Favorite holiday drink?
Beer.

10. How is your Christmas shopping going?
It's done. I start looking for stuff for those I buy for a few months before Christmas so that I'm not rushed.

11. If you could spend Christmas Day anywhere else, where would you spend it?
New Zealand.

12. Any holiday traditions?
Spending Christmas eve and having Christmas dinner with Sparky's folks. Opening one present on Christmas eve. Watching our British comedy Christmas specials. Getting together with friends. Having a bunch of people over to our place sometime during the holiday season, lately, we've been having folks over around New Years Day which is nice because by then everyone is sick of family and they would rather spend time with friends.

13. Favorite thing about the holidays?
Getting together and spending time with friends.

Thanks for the tag Little Merry Sunshine!

I tag the following folks:
K-Line
Baygirl 32
Flannery Alden
Intelliwench
John Abuzz
and anyone else who feels like doing this meme.

Happy holidays everyone!

You're getting one of these three items for Christmas

No need to thank me, I just love to give.

Merry Christmas from the family

I probably ran this picture last year but I don't care. That's my family circa 1968/69 on Christmas morning. That's my sister Linda on the far right, me, my mom, my sister Sandy, my brother Charlie, and my dad. My brother Karl took the picture, probably with a camera he got for Christmas. Even though we were poor as church mice and lived in the Detroit housing projects we still had great Christmases with lots of presents to open. But more than the presents, I remember how great it was to be together with everyone and playing, laughing, eating cookies and Christmas foods, and then going to see my cousins on my mom's side and then all going to Grandma and Grandpa Wells house.

Happy Christmas to you and yours from me and mine. And if you don't celebrate Christmas for whatever reason, then I wish you happiness and peace too.

An atheist Christmas

Contrary to what your hear on Fox or on right wing hate talk radio, not all atheists hate Christmas. In fact, this atheist loves Christmas. Both Sparky and I do. What we hate is intolerant small minded Christians who insist on trying to ruin the holiday with their insistent cries that every one must tow their line or else. They seem to think they are making Jesus happy that by forcing everyone to bray, "Merry Christmas!," even if you're an atheist, a Jew, or a whatever.
You see, to me Christmas is not about the birth of the son o' God. It's about spending time with loved ones and friends. And the gifts I give to them don't symbolize the gift of the birth of mankind's savior, they are heartfelt offerings made out of love to remind that person of how much they mean to me.
I send Christmas cards, carefully chosen so as not to say 'Merry Christmas' or include any religious bull shit, to people near and far because I want them to know I am thinking of them at this time of year. I like to get together with friends this time of year not because someone decided years ago to co-opt a pagan celebration (it's no accident that Christmas falls only days after the winter solstice), but because another year has passed and I like to be with them once more to let them know how much I enjoy them and their company.
We put up Christmas trees not because they symbolize everlasting life, but because they are bright and cheery in an otherwise drab time of year.

But you know what? If you celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday then good for you. More power to you. I'm not about to try to stop you. You celebrate however you like. And I want you to let me do the same.

So stop telling me I have to say 'Merry Christmas' and not 'Happy holidays!' because you think I'm disrespecting your religion. Stop telling me Jesus is the reason for the season, he's not really. The reason for the season is that humans in the northern hemisphere have always celebrated the fact that the days start to get longer after the winter solstice and once they made their way to the southern hemisphere they took that celebration down there as well.

To me this holiday season is all about home, family (the ones I like that is), and friends. It's about giving and doing for those that are close to you. It's about trying to be a nicer person and starting the new year out right.

I'm an atheist and I celebrate Christmas the way I like, the way that works best for me. If only some of the people who call themselves Christian would do the same and stop trying to make others do as they do, then that would be a Christmas miracle we could all believe in.

I'm all about Christmas now

Here's a couple of things from our vast array of Christmas decorations and knick knacks that I love: When the candle is lit the light shines on their Santa belly's, it's neat effect.

I picked up a vintage copy of Punch back this summer at a local vintage store. I saved the cover and I put it in this distressed looking white faux barn wood frame with a mat I got from another frame. I love it so much that I'm leaving it up year 'round.