Happy Kitschmas!

Holiday do's and don'ts

Do this during the holidays:

• Be nice to retail workers.
• Get your holiday cards sent out on time.
• Buy a new toy and give it to Toys for Tots.
• Smile more.
• Try to relax.
• Waterboard Dick Cheney and all the other people who claim that what the CIA did wasn't torture.

Don't do this during the holidays:

• Bitch about long lines at the post office.
• Drink any thing Bill Cosby offers you.
• Shriek "It's Merry Christmas!" at someone who wishes you "Happy Holidays."
• Watch a Christmas episode marathon on TV.
• Buy into the nonsensical 'War on Christmas.'

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Due to a vendetta the FCC and the entire cable industry has against me my annual Christmas special won't be shown in the USA or Canada this year.  It will only be broadcast in Scandinavian countries that also border on the arctic circle. But I'm not bitter about it, fuck no, it's fucking Christmas god damn it and I don't have time to be a fucking bitter little bitch.  But I do want you all to know what you're going to be missing.

My 2014 special opens with me sitting on a snow drift dreaming of getting my giblets roasted over an open fire.  Then from out of nowhere swoops down Norwegian love goddess Silje Torp on a winged horse and we sing that old Christmas favorite 'Santa Stuffed My Stocking with Ebola.'

After we bask in the applause of the school children and prisoners out on work release that we paid to be our audience, I'll do a dramatic re-enactment of the time I discovered the true meaning of Christmas in Viktoria Winge's bra. 

I'll romp among the reindeer for a few minutes and then I'll piss on a pine tree until my next guest is coerced into coming on the show.

After we promise to pay her some extra kroner, Danish pastry Mia Lyhne and I will stare at one another as we sit by a Christmas tree.

After a word from our sponsor Lene Marie Christensen and I will lick candy canes in a suggestive manner while the Doctor Monkey Dancers perform scenes from that Christmas classic Equus Goes to the North Pole.

And finally, Vivian Howard will join me to bake my cookies and she'll also cook my goose right before Father Christmas sleds in with presents and liquor for everyone.

This year's Christmas special is sponsored by:

 And by:

 And by:

Space Pussy Vodka.

Check your local listings if you live near the arctic circle!

The holiday that wouldn't die

Happy holiday

Christmas 1967ish.

Season's greetings from Monkey Buddha!

And from me too.

You're getting one of these three items for Christmas

No need to thank me, I just love to give.

Happy holidays from...

...young super hot Jane Fonda,

Starsky and Hutch,

classical beauty Gina Mckee,

increasingly dystopian Canadian writer Margret Atwood,

the snow pile,

and from me!

Happy Holidays to all!

Christmas programming changes

Please make a note of the following changes to your Christmas Eve and Christmas day TV schedule:

Country Music Television (CMT) will be airing starting at 7:30 EST A Kick Ass Southern Christmas which will be hosted by Kinston, NC native Jamie Pressley. Her special guests will include Jerry Lee Lewis, Emmanuel Lewis, Richard Lewis, and Louis and Oswald from The Drew Carey Show.

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Spike TV will be running their popular The Twelve Boobs of Christmas marathon again this year.

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Hallmark Channel will run, at various times so check your local listings, the following made for TV movie:

The Cat Who Shaved Christmas

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BBC America will present:Drinking and Driving: A Very Special Top Gear Christmas Special

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Animal Planet will be broadcasting for the first time anywhere:

Where Rudolph Came From.

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A & E offers up two very special episodes of their popular show Intervention. The first episode shows us a celebrity intervention:

and the second shows us the first ever intervention on a person under the age of 4.

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Canadian Broadcasting Company will be showingThe Canadian Bacon that Saved Christmas.

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Sci-Fi network has decided to air It's a Mansquito Christmas! yet again.

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And The Simian Network will air my holiday movie classic Don't Fling Poo at Santa Claus (Unless you want to have your monkey ass kicked you mutha-uckers!).

Happy holiday viewing everybody!

For the record

Despite the fact that I am an avowed Atheist who has no use for any organized religion, I do not hate Christmas and I have no desire to wage war on it. I don't even mind the 'commercialization' of it. But here's what I do hate about this time of year:

• the fake phony bullshit 'war on Christmas.' The whole thing is a fiction that was made up by people who want to have someone or something to hate and demonize, and in this case it's people who are not Christians like them.
• the assholes who constantly bray about the war on Christmas. Bill O and the rest of those media jackals need ratings and controversy so they pick a segment of the population to hate and pick on that will make them look good to the Bible thumping rubes.
• the store personnel who are bullied into screaming "Merry Christmas!!" at each and every person who steps into their shop. They live in fear of being on Bill O's shit list so they screech those two words that I once so happily said aloud but now almost refuse to utter because of that blotchy faced prig O'Rielly.
• the sanctimonious Bible thumpers who claim that "Jesus is the reason for the season!" Bull shit. There have been celebrations around the winter solstice for centuries, and since historically speaking Christianity is a small blip on the radar screen of mankind's past, those celebrations had nothing to do with the son o' God allegedly being born this time of year. It's another joyous time that the bastards in the early church decided they had to co-opt or else they might not get enough followers to go along with thier made up religion.

So what then does this time of year mean to me, an Atheist? It means getting together with friends and loved ones and celebrating another year gone by. It means sharing with others I don't know via charitable giving. Yes that's right, even though I am an Atheist I still give to charities, and some of them are even religious in nature. Christmas to me has nothing to do with some delusional woman squirting out a baby in a barn somewhere in the Middle East thousands of years ago, to me it means it's a time to put up a tree and decorate the house to make it cheery in the face of the advancing winter. Just because I don't subscribe to the religious aspects of it that doesn't mean that I want to ban it or to stop others from enjoying it any way they want as long as they don't interfere with me and the way I celebrate it.

I like Christmas. I like putting up a tree. I like that Sparky likes decorating for the holiday and that she likes baking cookies and bread this time of year as well. I like going to and giving Christmas parties. I like Christmas shopping and I like giving and receiving gifts. I like it that most everyone gets the day off for the holiday, I think we can all agree that folks here in the USA don't get enough days off from their corporate overlords so why would anyone want to ban the Christmas holiday?

The only people who have a problem with Christmas are the pricks who think everyone should think and act like they do.

Oh Christmas tree

This is my last Christmas post this year, I promise!

Every family south of the Mason Dixon line, well every family that's not a collection of stone cold racists or rich Republican/Libertarians that is, can relate to this great Christmas song.

Christmas with Dr. Monkey

What can I say kids? We had a wonderful Christmas this year. As usual our holiday was a whirlwind of activity.


First thing in the morning we opened presents. Sparky got me some books!


I got her a home security device that she can use during those times when I'm off on the campaign trail.

We both asked Santa for peace on earth this year but this is what he got us instead: That Santa, he's a crazy one. Maybe someone should get him a hearing aid next year!


After gift giving was over Sparky's sister Sparkle came by.As you can see these gals were ready to party. And that was a good thing because we had a few friends drop by.
They were all very hungry so we broke out the grub.
After dinner my pal Naomi came by to autograph her book The Shock Doctrine.
I begged her to have the restraining order on me rescinded for a few hours so I could "thank" her properly for coming by but she refused.


As the day wore on people came and went but by nightfall Sparky and I were left alone, so we just relaxed in front of the TV watching some film classics.
We're both big fans of the films of Phoebe Cates.

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I hope your Christmas was as fabulous as mine!