Friday, December 2, 2011

Christmas Eva 2011!

The lawsuits stemming from last's years Christmas special 'A Very Special Grease Fire Christmas' have been settled or thrown out of court so that means it's time for this years special! I'm pleased to announce that this year's Yuletide spectacular will be televised on the Schleswig-Holstein Channel on Roku. And I'm even more pleased that my co-host this year is none other than German actress Eva Habermann!
The show will open with Ms. Habermann 'polishing my glockenspiel.' Once I calm down from the excitement of that she and I will sing a lovely duet version of 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland.' Then I'll slowly undress her with my eyes while I sing the John Mayer song 'Your Body is a Wonderland' to her.
Then we'll go out into the streets of Schleswig-Holstein where we'll hide the sausage as we toss boiled anthrax coated potatoes at street urchins. I know, it sounds fucked up but apparently it's a German tradition.
Next up it's back inside the studio where Ms. Habermann will recreate some of the action scenes from the Lexx films she was in while I sit and stare and mumble softly to myself. If I recover my composure in time we'll do a song and dance medley of Bulgarian disco Christmas classics.

As we go to commercial I'll pop a fistful of industrial strength Viagra and pray that it kicks in quickly. And as I wait for it to do so after we come back from the break, we'll run a condensed version of Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol.
Once ol' Scrooge learns the true meaning of Christmas I'll celebrate by trying to pull down Eva's top.
It's okay if it comes down because they show boobies all the time on TV in Europe. She'll retaliate by trying pants me while she sings a dirty version of 'Jingle Bells' in her native German.

Next up it's time to do a sketch about a modern day baby Jesus.
We'll teach the baby Jesus the true meaning of Christmas while the Bethlehem doctors work round the clock trying to put his little stomach back inside his body. His tummy popped out after he ate too much frankincense and myrrh. After the operation we'll call in our super secret surprise guest Dana Delany to clean up the mess from the operation.
Miss Eva and I will then be whisked off to another part of the studio where we'll change into evening clothes, she into a swanky sparkly dress:
And I'll put on a tux and we'll do a romantic duet of 'What are you doing New Year's eve?' Our song will be made even more special because we'll be backed by the Debilitating Leg Pain Dancers:
During the commercial break after I show Eva my yule log again, I'll discover she's about a quart low on Christmas cheer. So I'll make her change back into her Oktober fest dress that highlights her cleavage. While she blows smoke at me I'll do my best to fill her up with as much Christmas cheer as I can, but I'm only human you know.
Finally the Christmas magic will kick in and there'll be a Christmas miracle in the form of a jet that whisks us off to a sun drenched tropical island.
After we rub sunblock all over each other, we'll close the show by swimming nude in a lagoon that's been sprinkled with flowers. We'll kiss, canoodle, and sing Mele Kalikimaka (The Hawaiian Christmas Song) as the closing credits roll.

I'm certain that this years special will be the best ever for me.


PENolan said...

To quote Chauncey Gardener, "I like to watch."

zencomix said...

What channel is that again?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Those sweet Germerman girls. Those sweet sweet Bavarian girls with their bratwurst and beer. Thats heaven baby.

gmb said...

Nothing says "Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus" like some hot German on Monkey action.