Illustrated safety tips

These are weird bad crazy times we live in and one of the missions of this blog is to help you get through life safely. Our crack staff has been preparing a list of useful illustrated safety tips for a few months now and they present their findings here:

If your Negro or Latino house maid has stolen and swallowed the few remaining pieces of jewelry that you haven't had to pawn off yet we advise you to grasp her under chin and to slide your thumb into her mouth. Taking care not to let her close her jaws on your thumb, you should press down on her tongue while stomping on her foot. Continue to do this until she shits out the jewelry in question, the police arrive, or until the members of her gang ride over and do a drive by shooting on you.

When molesting a woman you have just met, never look down. Instead, you should always

look straight ahead so that you can keep an eye peeled for anyone who might run to help her.

If you suspect that your baby may be gay, liberal, a Communist, a future Rotary Club member, an Amway salesperson, or a Unitarian, use gentle slaps to get those tendencies out of your child. You should have muzak versions of John Denver's greatest hits playing in the background while you do this.

If a caregiver, a nursery school teacher, a maiden aunt, or a Catholic priest tries to feel you up and you're not in the mood, then you are advised to break wind, piss your pants, and to act like you're choking. Once they let you go, turn quickly and punch them in their 'special place.' Then go hire a ghost writer to help you write a memoir about the experience.

If a loved one gets a tattoo of any character in the Twilight series, two dogs fucking, or Jesus riding a unicorn and they show it to you in a prideful manner, you are advised to grab an ice pack that has been kept at absolute zero, put the ice pack over the tattoo, and to hold on the offending area until the arm is frozen enough to smash with a hammer.

If you stumble across a hot chick at a party and she's passed out drunk and you want to take advantage of her. Don't.

Wait until she vomits first. You do not want to shag a chick who might upchuck on you, trust us on that one.

If you are unlucky enough to have watched more than a few seconds of a movie starring any closeted Scientologist (Tom Cruise, John Travolta for example), then you are advised to wash your eyes out with a mild soap and water. We also recommend years of therapy to get past the trauma of having had to watch those aging gas bags in a motion picture.

If your elderly parent has become involved in any reactionary conservative political movement and they say things like, "That Rush Limbaugh makes some real good points!" or "I'd lick the chunky discharge off Sarah Palin's panties if it made them pointy headed liberals in Congress mad!," then you are advised to knock them to the ground and to bite their wind pipe until you draw blood. Don't stop until they have lost the power of speech.

Please remember that accidents are accidents waiting to happen. And they can kill or at the very least put a damper on your day. So take our safety advice and stay safe out there everybody!