And now here's a word from former Haitian dictator Baby Doc Duvalier

"I have returned to Haiti to help." He licked his lips, rubbed his hand together, and said, "I've come back to help myself to what I didn't steal the first time around. If you thought the poor had it bad now, holy shit, wait until I get done raping them this time! I invite all multi national corporations to my country to assist me in the plunder and pillage I'm about to commit."

Today's modern hip happenin' Christians speak out on the world's problems

"We don't worry about global warming out here in God's country because we know he's up there and he'll take care of his own. We also don't worry about all the stuff that the local chemical plant pumps out into our river at night and when it gets foggy. And we don't worry about the rash of home invasion robberies either. In fact, there ain't much we worry about now that we got Jesus in our hearts."

"We do yoga in my church. It's totally cool. I focus on my breath, my body movements, and on protecting my privates from the minister's son."

"The other night I prayed and asked God to make everything in Haiti all better after the earthquake. Then the next day I saw on the news that he didn't do it, so I'm going to assume he wants Haiti to remain in shambles so that twenty bucks I was going to send to earthquake relief is going to buy me a lap dance and some Boone's Farm later."

"Jesus never had socialized medicine, so neither should we! 9/11! Freedom!"

"Why are you people still here? Go away. Can't you see I'm praying?"

"I was going to quit smoking, lay off of beating my kids, and stop poisoning all the dogs and cats in my neighborhood until I heard that gays want to get married. Now all bets are off because if God is okay with those people getting hitched, then he's okay with what I do. Praise his holy name and hand me a pack of Kools!"

"Okay, I'll admit it. I caused the earthquake in Chile. I wanted a day off from my job at the llama polishing factory so I sacrificed a Mormon missionary to Baal and in return I asked for a natural disaster of some sort. I'm sorry if you lost your house or some loved ones, I just really needed a day off."

"Hey look, I'm in color now! Thank you Jesus!"

"Can someone give me a lift to that animal stoning? I'm an old woman and I don't drive anymore but my arm is still good and I've been saving rocks in the hope that one day they would bring back stoning. Plus, I really hate whales. Dirty whale bastards, just you wait until I get my hands on you. I'll smote you without pity. Just like Jesus would!"

Why the rest of the world hates us

Sure the rest of the world hates us because we treat them like they exist to serve us, we use up natural resources faster than a family values Republican drops trou at a glory hole, and because we export all the worst things about our culture, bad movies, bad TV, pcorn syrup laden fast food, and unwavering support of dictatorships, the Zionists, and the almighty corporation. And they also hate us because we export our hypocritical Christian 'religion.'

And because they love to make things worse, some Baptists have decided to make the tragedy in Haiti all about them and not about the Haitian people. You see some 'missionaries' from some church in Idaho of all places decided they were going to fly down to Haiti and swoop up some orphan kids in order to save them from a life of voodoo, Santeria, and poverty. They were going to bring those orphans back to the USA where they can live with god fearing Jesus loving white folks because we all know all people every where want nothing more than to abandon their culture, their extended family, and every thing they know just so they can come and live in Jesusland where the Wal Marts stay open all day and night and McDonald's and Starbucks fill their empty belly's. Holy shit, just seeing what I wrote makes me wish that I was a dirty backwards brown skinned foreigner living in a place where a natural disaster hit just so I could take the help of those kind white folks and come and live in this paradise called the US of fuckin' A.

But these Baptists hit a little snag in their plans to rescue those orphans from their awful home country. Turns out they just waltzed down there, with typical American Christian swagger I'm sure, and started whisking kids out without going through the proper channels. Despite being in shambles the Haitian government put the kibosh on the 'missionaries.' And the Haitian authorities have gone so far as to say that these Baptists are child traffickers and kidnappers.

As is so often the case in situations like these, the childnappers Christian humility comes immediately to the fore, he said ironically. For the first two days since they got nabbed for trying to smuggle the kids out of Haiti the Idahoan kidnappers were kept in two small concrete rooms inside the police HQ in Port Au Prince, while hundreds of thousands of Haitian sleep and live outside because their homes were reduced to rubble in the earthquake. But wait, it gets worse for the missionaries. They have no electricity or air conditioning inside their two rooms! And they say it's not fun or fair. They're forced to live like animals while the Haitian people run around outside enjoying the cool breezes and the freedom of not having to pay their mortgages or rent any more! Disgusting!

Just when you thought our intrepid Christian do gooders couldn't have it any worse, it gets worse, because, well, it's almost like Jesus is fucking with them. It turns out that some of the kids they were trying to send out of the country weren't orphans at all! At least one little girl had parents who survived the quake, but I'm sure that didn't mean shit to the Baptists because we all know that desires of poor black folks don't hold a candle to the wishes of white folks who are out to kidnap kids and consign them to a life of slavery in the USA, oops, I mean, to save their wretched little souls and bring them up the way they think Jesus wants them to.

It's disgusting Christian hubris at it's worst. To want to go help is one thing, and it's admirable that so many people went to and are going to go to Haiti to help, but to go down there with the idea that kidnapping kids from the only life and culture they have ever known is as absurd as the idea of a virgin birth or original sin is. If you want to go help, then go fucking help and stop being such a sanctimonious ass. Do go and provide the kids with shelter, food, water, and loving care. Don't go and fill their heads with stories about your fucked up religion and don't assume they want to come live over here with your fat ass and your fat fucking family. People in trouble want help, not lectures about the need to accept Jesus Christ in their lives. Frightened kids want stability and order, they don't want to be torn from their parents and culture just because you think it will win you points with your god.

"What are missionaries Alex. I'll take 'Ways Christianity has Wreaked Havoc on the World' for $1000 please."

Finally, let's remember what Christian missionaries did to the native peoples who lived in Tiera Del Fuego, which is at the bottom tip of South America. The people who originally lived there had adapted to the almost constant cold and rain by becoming stocky and not growing very tall. They went naked year round and it worked for them. But when the missionaries from England hit their shores they preached the gospel and they made the natives wear western clothes, no doubt because it freaked them out to see naked breasts, vaginas, asses, and penises. To their detriment the natives listened and they stopped going naked and started wearing wool sweaters, which stayed wet most of the time, and pants, which stayed wet most of the time, and they changed their diets to match those of the people who came to tell them the good news about Jesus H. Christ. Turns out between catching the diseases the missionaries had become immune to but still spread nonetheless, eating all the imported foods that didn't agree with their digestive tracts, and staying wet in their western style clothes the natives of Tierra Del Fuego were wiped out within just a few years of coming into contact with those British missionaries.

Let's hope the people of Haiti don't succumb to the same fate.

Packed with the devil

I dashed off the post most previous as a joke never thinking for a moment some televangelist would be so callous and idiotic to say something near what I joked they might. And then up steps Pat Robertson to the crazy bar and he didn't order just one beer from the bartender, he ordered the whole god damn keg.
According to Pat the folks in Haiti brought this on themselves because they made a pact with the devil to get free from the French, after which his god cursed them for doing so. It's a true story he says!, and it must be true because we all know a Christian minister wouldn't lie, wink wink. All sort of things crossed my tiny mind when I heard his pronouncement, I thought he's a whack job deserving of nothing but scorn and derision. Then I felt pity for him because he's so old and obviously senile. Then I thought, "Holy shit, what if he's right!?!"

Think about it. If he's right and the black folks of Haiti had to make a deal with the devil to get free then the blacks in this country must have made the same deal to gain their freedom from the whites. So that means they're cursed too, just like the Haitians are! It all makes sense now. Think more about it, the blacks get freed during the Civil war and they enjoy a few years of peace and take white folks jobs and their women, but then Pat Robertson's god invents Jim Crow and his anti black laws and the Negroes get cursed to be second, hell even third, class citizens in their own country. They have to spend years dealing with their curse in the form of not only overt racism, but institutional racism, that's racism that codified into law in case you didn't know, as well. They were cursed at the school house door and their kids couldn't get the same kind of fancy book learnin' the white kids got. They were cursed on the job front so they went and got into criminal occupations, drug dealing, whore mongering, welfare fraud etc. They were cursed by banks who wouldn't give them the same kinds of mortgages that white folks got so they huddled into the ghettos. They were cursed at the ballot box when they were denied the right to vote, even after they fought to defend this country in numerous wars.

But one day the Christian god finally heard their prayers and he let things like the voting rights act pass, and Brown v. Board of Education, and then things snowballed from there. They got all sorts of rights and blessings until one day all the racism and curses disappeared when Barack Obama was elected President in 2008. So basically from the late 1950's on it's been a cakewalk for blacks in the USA what with the Christian god lifting his curse of them and all.

But while that god was blessing the blacks in the USA he never forgot about those dirty black bastards in Haiti who made a deal with the devil to get free from the French in the 1700's. Those son of bitches didn't suck it up and act all Uncle Tom enough for his tastes so he waited for just the right time to smote those mostly Roman Catholic apostates. Sure he had piled poverty on them for many years and he allowed US and European multi national corporations to rape and abuse them, but all that and the corrupt political leaders who screwed over the Haitian people for years wasn't enough for this god of Pat Robertson's. So he hit them with an earthquake when they least suspected it. And not just any earthquake, this one that Pat Robertson's god hit them with was a 7.0 on the Richter scale earth quake. Those damn Haitians had to be taught the hard way. Tough love is a bitch my friends, especially at the hands of the god who allows baby killing, drug abuse, child porn, and the FOX News channel to flourish.

Hang on though. Let's back up a sec, shall we? Isn't Pat Robertson's god an all powerful god who created everything? Didn't he also create the devil? And he allowed the Haitians to make a deal with the devil he himself created? Holy fuckin' hell. That's one fucked up god. Either he hated the Haitians from day one or he hates it when black slaves go free. And if the latter is really the case then he's sure to smite the USA for freeing the slaves and in about 30 or 40 years he's gonna inflict some serious pain on the USA, if what he did in Haiti is any indicator.

Or maybe Pat Robertson is a hypocritical senile old hateful gas bag who is as full of shit as a Christmas goose. Yeah, that's it. It has to be it. Because if it's not and he's right then, we're all sinners at the mercy of a homicidal thrill seeking batshit crazy god.

Just wondering

After Hurricane Katrina ravaged New Orleans intolerant Christian hate monger John Hagee said that his god punished that city because it had a level of sin that was unacceptable to it. So if all natural disasters come from his god, I wonder if he'll claim that Haiti had an unacceptable degree of poverty and or voodoo and that's why his god had to destroy all those buildings and kill all those people.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the folks in Haiti would appreciate cash, clothes, food, medicine, pillows, blankets, and a less oppressive corporate presence in their country more than they would your thoughts and prayers.