Fun conservative science experiments for today's hip happenin' kids!

Fill a metal bowl with battery acid and water, tell your liberal friends (if you have any hahahahaha!) to stick a hose in the mixture and suck it in.  As they lay dying and gasping for air, measure how many times the little atheist bastards who used to deny the existence of god call out for his holy saving grace and mercy.

Get two strips of paper.  Blow on them and make them rattle while some fancy book learnin' loving liberal is trying to study the fiction known as 'global warming.'  Count the number of times they tell you to stop and then shriek at them that they're expelling carbon dioxide and carbon is bad for the atmosphere. 

Put instant coffee in a big bowl.  Get some Starbucks cups and fill them with the instant coffee.  Sell them to gullible liberals and then give that money to a millionaire so they can create more jobs with it.  Then sit back and watch the economy grow.

Roll up a newspaper or magazine.  Then use it to spy on a woman undressing.  Measure how long it takes you to get a boner. When you get a boner, show it to your friends who are gay (if you have any hahahahaha!) and tell them that you got your boner the way God intended, by looking at boobs and vaginas.

If some of your gay friends still insist that they were 'born that way,' shove them in a closet, lock them in, and tell them you're going to pray their gay and they can't come out until they promise to stop thinking about achingly hard erect penises and taut slightly moist male rectums.  Then measure how long it takes for God to change their sinful ways and to bring them back to hetero-normalcy.

Get a piece of steel wool, hold it over a candle until it's super hot and glowing, then shove it on the face of an uninsured person and scream at them, "Where's your precious Obamacare now you little socialist bastard?"  Then run away and claim that it was a suspicious black male and not you who injured that uninsured person.

Here's an important message from the Indiana Department of Religion

Some of you good small business owning Christians have prayed to us wanting to know who it's safe to discriminate against now that the religious freedom bill has become law in our state.  The homogays and the liberals are deliberately trying to confuse people for whatever sick and twisted reasons they have, so we wanted to clear up how you can tell if someone is gay and therefore eligible for some Jesus based discrimination.  

It's pretty easy to tell if a woman is gay.  If she's wearing a flannel shirt and work boots, then she's gay and you can discriminate.  If she looks mannish, has a deep voice, or talks incessantly about sports, she's gay, discriminate away.  If she doesn't respond to your sexual advances, she's gay and Jesus is totally cool with you refusing to serve her or sell her things.  If she expresses any interest in drum circles, comic books, video games, or any other traditionally male things, then she's a man hating lesbian and God demands you soundly trash her after you refuse to do business with her.  

Men on the other hand are a bit more tricky.  Many of them have spent years hiding their true homogay nature, after all this is Indiana and we've never been accepting of the homosensuals, so most gays in our state have to hide who they are, lest we find out and drive them away to Chicago or some other den of gay sin.  By and large if men talk about track lighting, fine dining, Judy Garland, European art and literature, fashion, and flower arranging, they're gay.  If they refer to anything or anyone as 'fierce' or use the word 'efforting,' they're gay and you don't have to do shit for them.  

But, like we said, many have learned to hide these symptoms and 'tells' so you may have to delve deeper to find out if they're gay or not.  So if you suspect your potential customer may be gay but you still need absolute proof he is or not, then try this:

Both of you get naked, enter his rectum with your lubed up rock hard aching penis and then thrust it back and forth inside him.  If he moans to indicate he's enjoying what you're doing, then he's gay, but if he's silent, then keep thrusting until you ejaculate.  After you finish, ask him if he enjoyed it, if he says he did, then you may discriminate against him beginning immediately.  If he didn't and he claims you anally raped him, tell him you're a good Christian businessman and that you'd never ever do such a thing and if he still prattles on and on about how you 'sexually abused' him, start speaking in tongues and handling snakes and he'll quickly get the message that you're a holy warrior doing the Lord's work and you are not to be trifled with and he'll get dressed and leave your business as quickly as he can.

If your potentially gay customer is not into the anal sex test, then try the oral test on him.

It's basically the same as above but this time you lie down on the ground and let him put his erect penis in your mouth and let him thrust it back and forth while you provide some suction.  If he ejaculates in your mouth, he's gay.  If he asks that you kiss him afterwards, he's gay.  If he tries to give you his phone number afterwards, he's gay.  And if he's gay, you know what to do: discriminate against him until Jesus can come back and finish what you started.

So that's pretty much it, watch for the signs, listen to what he says, do the tests on him, and remember if you don't enjoy doing the anal or the oral sex, that means you're not gay and that you're not eligible to discriminate against yourself or let other discriminate against you.  Rest assured, Jesus would have done the same thing and we're sure of that because all of his adult life, he chose to hang out pretty much exclusively with twelve hunky hairy dudes.  

Now get out there and restore your religious freedom to be hateful to gays and anyone else you think Jesus would hate!

What did you do on Black Friday?

"We went shopping, then we cried our eyes out."

"We silently judged everyone we looked at."

"Prayed that the tests come back negative."

"I told my pets about Jesus."

"Married my horse."

"Went to the gloryhole with my non gay husband."

"I froze my tits off, but camping outside of Best Buy was totally worth it.  I got three bucks off a flat screen TV and some dude groped my ass."

"Look deep in to my eyes...you are getting sleepy, very sleepy..."

"I shamed poor people.  I'm tired of those bastards using all their savings this time of year to buy presents for their lazy kids who won't quit school and get jobs to buy their own cheap presents."

"I spent the day trolling right wingers on Facebook. I love pissing those idiots off."

Astounding

This illustration from a 1950's era kid's textbook that I re-captioned is approaching 75,000 like and reblogs on Tumblr.  It's still, after a little over a week, getting about 300 hits per hour.  I'm amazed but delighted that so many have gotten a glimpse of my comic brilliance, I said modestly.

With apologies to John Prine

We now present Jesus: The Missing Years.

Young blonde Jesus was hunky. Too bad he died for our sins before he got his cherry busted.

Happy Nude Year!

Salma Hayek,this skeleton guy,

Crunky Jesus,
my insanely hot running mate,this white woman on a swing,
the ever so cute Reese Witherspoon,

this nun who looks like Amy Guth,
and Maribel Verdu and I

would like to wish all of you a very happy new year! We all hope that some of you get what you want next year and that others get what's coming to them. It's been my pleasure to write this blog everyday and I am overwhelmed that so many people read it and comment on it. Thanks for sticking around and for reading this crap I write.

Today's Radical Right Wing Christian News Round Up

1) Britney Spears 16 year old little sister Jamie Lynn's pregnancy has left their Mom's publisher red faced and embarrassed. Mrs. Spears book on, and I shit you not, Christian parenting has been delayed indefinitely. In related news Amy Winehouse's book on personal grooming and how to stay drug and alcohol free has also been delayed.

2) Mitt Romney's Mormon roots are showing and his magic underpants are growing! He's decided to marry again! There may be a bit of a problem with his new spouse though, there's been talk she used to be or still is a man. That's okay with Mitt though, he's been known to flip flop on things before!

4) Mike Huckabee is still intent on making sure everyone is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ this year, and that includes all you damn dirty Jews, Papists, tree huggers, dirt worshippers, Methodists, Mormons, Tom Cruisers, Jedi Knights, atheists, agnostics, Zoroastrians, Rastafarian's, Native Americans, Yoga practitioners, and anyone else who is not a right wing evangelical Christian like him. He also wants to remind everybody that anyone caught celebrating anything other than the birth of Jesus this holiday season will be eaten or rounded up and imprisioned at Gitmo
5) Have no fear, Right wing Jesus is ever vigilant and He will stop any and all dudes from kissing each other during his birthday celebration. But to prove he's got that Christmas spirit, he's going to let hot young women who want to kiss one another go right ahead.
6) And finally, it's about time but some Christians are going green:

An open letter to Tom Delay

Dear Tom,

I read online parts of that New Yorker article on the implosion your political party. I liked it to so much I went out and bought a copy of the very same magazine. I told myself I wanted to have it so I could read the story by David Sedaris, the article about Paul McCartney, and the one by Gunter Grass where he writes about his days in the SS. But what I really wanted to do was to read all of the article about you and Rove and Newt.

Man, you guys are something. Your sniping and backbiting prove that the old adage that victory has many mothers but defeat is an orphan is true. I loved how all of you blame one another for your party's defeat in 2006 and how all of you have different ideas on how to win back the Congress in 2008.

But to be honest Tom, what I really loved was how you said that your adultery was not as bad as Newt's. See Tom, I may be an atheist now, and please inform your pal Chuck Norris that I said that will you please?, but I still remember all those commandments from my years of church going. So I had to laugh when you said your transgression wasn't as bad as Newt's because I know god damned well that your Bible says all adultery is bad, period. You knew you were doing wrong when you boned that other woman while you were still married and just because you asked Jesus to forgive you, that does not make it right. Your still an adulterer in the eyes of your god and you always will be, just like Newt, and Henry Hyde, and John McCain, and Rudy 9/11 are.

Congrats on the whole getting messages from your god thing too Tom. It's really a coup for you. Although to be honest I'm surprised you shut that fat yap of yours long enough for him to tell you he wants you to rebuild the Republican Party. Just asking here Tom, but did he say anything about the Democrats? Should they rebuild as well? Or does he hate them or something?

Oh, shit, man, I forgot to tell you that god spoke to me as well. She said that I should write blog posts that let people know how full of shit you are and how you really don't speak for her or her Mexican son Jesus. She wanted me to remind you about that whole rich person/camel through the eye of a needle thingy too. And she said that I could feel free to post pictures that make you look ridiculous as well and that I could write smart ass snarky captions under them too. Turns out that the whole god talking to people thing is pretty common Tom, so there you go.

Anyhoo, here's a picture of you I found on the internets just a few minutes ago:

Do not feed him or he will follow you home.

And here's another:

Only Tom's hair does not like Georgie's farts.

You hang in there now Tom and I'll be watching for that trial of yours that's coming up and I think you know who I'll be rooting for. Yep. For the prosecutor. I have to root for him Tom, god told me to.

Sincerely,
Dr. Monkerstein