5000 Posts! Here's your treat...

It's a Salma/Archie sandwich with a Sarah Polley filling. 

Here's to 5000 more posts featuring witty banter, trenchant political commentary, unbridled opinions on virtually everything under the sun, and beautiful women.

It's time for another round of 'Who's the Communist here?'

Is it Mexican hottie Salma Hayek?


Turkish figure skater and Sofia Coppola look alike Tugba Karademir?
Radical negro Angela Davis?
Russian super heroine Ivanna Dooya?
Or government run health insurance lover and known Canadian Sarah Polley?
If you guessed Sarah Polley then you're right! All Canadians who prop up their country's corrupt single payer government run health insurance are dirty Commies! You know your Communist cheesecake well my friend. So well in fact that you're now on a Department of Homeland Security and Glenn Beck Show watch list comrade.

Actress, producer, and...

...humanitarian. Salma's got my vote for American of the year!

I am the ugly American

I'm like most of my country men in that I can't speak a foreign language. I studied French in high school and college and I've forgotten most all of it. I've fared a little better with Spanish however. I know how to say the following phrases in Spainsh:

• Where is my luggage?
• More beer please.
• Can you tell me how to get to Salma Hayek's house?

So, as you can see, I'm well prepared for when all the undocumented workers from south of the border rise up and take over. I just hope I can make out those directions to Salma's place okay.

In a world gone mad...

...there springs some good news for a change.

Monkey Movie Reviews

Here's a couple or quick reviews of two movies I've seen recently: This movie is pure cheesy horror movie fun. The story is preposterous, the acting is way over the top, the effects are crazier than a crowd at a Sarah Palin rally, and it's got Salma Hayek in a cameo in it as well, what more could you want? It's seriously good fun if you like monsters from outer space taking over the planet movies, which I do. I like them almost as much as I do a good zombie movie.

The only things bad about this movie are Josh Harnett's hair cut, it's modified on the poster so as not to scare off potential viewers, and Jon Stewart's entire performance. Yes, I know I just slammed Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, which I love, but believe me in this movie he sucks giant ass. While most of the movie is laughable in a good way, Stewart's performance is laughable in a bad way. He sucks when he tries to be a nebbish teacher and he sucks when he tries to be a hard ass alien. Don't let his bad acting get in the way of your watching this movie however, I wish it hadn't taken me so long to discover this little gem. Speaking of movies it took me a long time to discover, I finally saw Das Boot, which came out in the early '80's, this past weekend. Over all this is a fine film and it tells a side of the World War 2 story you hardly ever hear, a story told from the German perspective. The film shows a snippet, well actually this version is quite a loooooong snippet because the director's cut version goes on for about 3 and half days, oh sorry, I meant hours, of the lives of a German submarine crew. You see the men for who they are, pawns caught up in a geo-political struggle for which degree of fascism is going to win the war between the Axis powers and the Allied powers. Yes, some of the soldiers on the sub are committed Nazi's who believe in the message of Hitler, but most are just men who were asked to serve their country and who did so because they loved their country but not necessarily the government that ran it.

Jurgen Prochnow is outstanding in the role of the Captain of the submarine. He's become familiar to audiences outside of Germany for portraying mostly bad guys and villains, so it was nice to see him in a heroic role that required him to use all his many and varied acting skills.

I highly recommend this film but I'm warning you, if you see the version I did, the unrated director's cut, then be prepared for one long as hell movie.

I'll be back sometime Friday...

...unless I blog from the library that is, because my cable, internet, and phone won't be hooked up until late Friday afternoon.

So until then my friends, I'm leaving you with some photos of the lovely Salma Hayek. Enjoy.

Who's outraged today?

Washington DC lobbyist and Bush McCain campaign flunky Nancy Pootycooter:

"I'm outraged more people don't want a third Bush term like I do. Me and my rich lobbyist friends did really well under the first two scandal plagued terms of Bush McCain, so we'd really clean up in the third one."

********

Democratic Party traitor and insider James Carville:

"I'm outraged I got stuck with Mary Matalin when I could have been nailing Nancy Pootycooter. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking marrying horsey ol' Mary when I could have had a fine piece of steak like Pootypants."

********

Salma Hayek:

"I'm outraged that Dr. Monkey has not put me on his blog more often. I used to be on here all the time, now I'm hardly ever on here. What's up with that shit Monkey?"

********

Cindy McCain:"I'm outraged that you took a photo of me with out all my make up on. I look terrible! My two lady friends look better than I do right now. I'll get you for this, I swear it."

********

Cletus P. Bledsoe Jr. the third:

"I'm upset that we got an uppity negro running for President. I like all my Presidents to be lily white like my purty backside."

********

Republican gadfly Ron Paul:

"I'm outraged that I have to pay taxes. I don't want to pay taxes. The government should not collect taxes or do things for people. Only corporations and big business should be doing things for people and they should only do it for a profit. Hey, I think I crapped my pants again, can I have another cookie and some Thorazine?"

********

Former POW and current cause of partisan gridlock in Washington DC John Bush-McCain:

"I'm outraged that I had to wait so long to be President! I was entitled to it years ago! My daddy was an admiral and so was my grandfather, so that means I get to be President. If you don't elect me I'll kick your motherf*cking ass you damn pansy!"

********

A cute little piggy:

"I'm outraged that people keep using the word 'pig' and Sarah Palin in the same sentence. We're much cuter than she is and we don't want the government to tell you what to do with your body. And we don't go around telling people to pray to some wrathful diety who hates gay people for stupid shit like natural gas pipelines. Oh yeah, we also don't go around saying that the immoral war in Iraq is 'God's will' either. Vote Obama/Biden '08!"

The 19 Percenters

A whopping 81 percent of US citizens believe our country is headed in the wrong direction. Actually I'm surprised that number isn't higher. With so many of us dissatisfied with the way our country is going it's not hard to pick out the people who want to turn back the tide of corporate greed, endless war, and the politics of division, all one has to do is look around at one's friends and family. On the other hand it's far harder to find people who are happy with the direction this country is headed in so so I thought I'd highlight some of the folks who think that everything is peachy keen in America.

First up, the man really in charge in the White House, Dick Cheney and his "house" lesbians.
Life is sweet for him because Dick pulls the strings and gets his way no matter what and when informed of how dissatisfied we hoi polloi are he sardonically says, "So?" Let us eat cake Dick, let us eat cake.

And the only officially approved homosexuals the Republicans can stomach are living the high life because they have all the rights and privileges that no other gay or lesbian can have, Mary and her partner are Queens of the queers! If they and their infant face any discrimination then daddy Dick will ship the offender off to Gitmo while he demonizes all the other gay and lesbian people who live in our country.


Things couldn't be going better for this group. They've ridden George Jr's bumbling all the way to the top and they've more than cashed in and they'll continue to do so if and when Dumbass leaves office. They'll never have to live on food stamps or worry about making their rent or mortgage payment, they're American royalty! And if they fuck up there'll always be some star struck right wing hack ready to step in and bail them out, just like the Germans in big business did for former Nazi's after WW2, only this time instead of calling it their support system the "rat line," let's call it the "lying weasel line."


Mr. and Mrs. Corporate Media Liars are in the 19 percent group. For them today's America could not be a better place. They get to be famous for telling lies, untruths, and for just being asses in general. They get to mock and make fun of gays, lesbians, and all manner of brown skinned people. Why Bush/Cheney's America is their paradise! It's no wonder they're fighting like hell to keep that uppity black dude and the former first lady out of office. Their gravy train would ground to a halt if a Democrat was elected, they wouldn't sell as many hate filled books and their TV time would be cut in half if that happened.

Meanwhile the rest of us who live outside that cloistered world of the Washington DC/New York City axis of political/media power continue to get screwed as they try to privatize more and more governmental services and they allow multi national corporations to invade our lives further and further. The majority of us know that something is very wrong and we're ready to do something about it. If they don't screw us out of a free and fair election that is.

I apologize for all the jarring pictures of those wretched greedy rich white people. I'll try to make it up to you by ending this post with some eye candy.

Here's a shot of Salma working her mojo:

Here's a cute shot of Reese Witherspoon:

And no, I didn't forget all your ladies out there. Here's a beefcake shot of me in my bejeweled diaper. As you can tell that banana diet is working out really well for me.

Two fisted movie reviews

I don't know about you but when it's cold as Christian charity outside and the snow is blowing all day long Sparky and I like to get out of the house long enough to go to the grocery store and to Blockbuster. We rented two films that won Oscars the other night, which I'll review later after we watch them, and we also got this film:Let me start by saying that Julie Taymor is one of the most creative and inventive people in the entertainment industry today. Her films, plays, and other projects are truly some of the most visually stunning things around. I find myself drawn to most everything she does because I know it's going to be interesting.Having said that, I'll say that this film is nice to look at, the actors are pretty, the songs nice, and the interpretations of the songs are in some cases mind blowing, although in my case it doesn't take much to blow my monkey mind. But overall I found the story, the structure around which they put the Beatles songs, lacking. It was a shade hackneyed and trite. To show you how two people watching the same film can interpret it differently, Sparky loved the movie.

Performances that deserve singling out are those of the black guitarist, the Latino singer, and the guys who played Max and Jude, all of them were standouts. I found Evan Rachel Wood a bit, wait for it, wait for it, wooden in her performance. I loved her in Running With Scissors but I thought she was a bit out of her league here. The cameos by Salma Hayek, Bono, and Joe Cocker are fun. This film also has a milestone in it for me, this was the first time I saw a performance by Eddie Izzard that I was able to stomach, and I'll go so far to even say that I enjoyed him in this film. (I'd rather take a beating in the kidneys with a bag of oranges than watch Izzard do stand up or act in most anything. I get your shtick Eddie, you dress up in women's clothes and you put on make up and you say outrageous things, seriously I get it. It's been done to death Eddie and done to death by men who are actually funny, unlike you sir.)

Anyway, this film is worth seeing. Once.

We also watched a documentary on HBO about the artist Christo's The Gates. It was called, oddly enough, The Gates.

********

I'm into modern art and I love most of the massive public art works Christo has done, with the exception of the wrapping of the Reichstag, so I really dug this film. The film begins by showing the long process it took Christo and his wife and collaborator Jean Claude to get this exhibition mounted. They actually began trying to get approval for it in the late 1970's. But bureaucrat after bureaucrat and Mayor after Mayor kept turning them down, even though Christo offered to pay for everything himself. But finally Michael Bloomberg, the Democrat who turned Republican so he could get elected in NYC, agreed to let them put the gates up. The film then shows us the process by which they installed the gates and the reaction to the gates when they were all up. The last 20 minutes or so is an almost wordless examination of the reactions of the people who viewed the gate up close.

********

This film is a fascinating look at the process of making public art today. I really liked this documentary, in fact I liked it so much, I ate it up with a spoon.

Two and one third movies reviewed

There are a slew of films that have a cult like following that I've never seen yet but I've heard about them and read about them many times. I finally got to see one of those films the other night and it was indeed everything it was cracked up to be. The name of this film was Billy Liar.

It was directed by the late John Schlesinger, he also directed Marathon Man and Cold Comfort Farm, among many others. It stars Tom Courtney and Julie Christie. The film is about a young man in a dead end job in a northern British city in the early 1960's. In order to cope with his lot in life young Billy develops a vivid imagination. He creates a rich fantasy life which we get to see in all it's humorous detail throughout the film. But as so often is the case Billy's lies and his fantasy comes crashing down around him in the end. His employers find out about his theft, his dream of becoming a paid comedy writer gets squashed, and his two financees find out about one another. But just when Billy has the chance to escape it all by running off to London with the one woman, Julie Christie, who understands and accepts his ways, he blows it and he runs back to the life he knows.

The accents were hard for me to understand at times but that was the only problem I had with this film. It was shot in beautiful black and white, which I'm guessing was a deliberate choice because it highlighted Billy's reality, everything was either black or white to him. Courtney was great in his first starring role and Julie Christie was luminous. In fact she almost looked out of place in this film because she was so beautiful and modern looking. This one is one of those classics you really should see if you get the chance.

********

The other movie I saw recently was Dusk Till Dawn. This film was so wildly over the top in every way possible I could not help but like it. The violence was cartoony, the horror elements were dopey but funny, and the acting was way out there, with the exception of Harvey Keitel's very controlled and self contained performance. This movie is a big dopey guy flick and I loved it. The only problem I had with it was Quentin Tarintino. He really should stay behind the camera because that boy can't act for shit. Oh wait, I had another problem with this flick, there was not enough Salma Hayek in it.

Sure she played the seductive vampire who did that great dance with that python, but she was only in the film for like five or six minutes. They let Cheech Marin do three roles in this flick and they only let Salma be in it for five minutes? It's a travesty I tell ya!

And why she was not nominated for an Oscar for her sensitive yet sensual performance is beyond me. Hey you Hollywood phonies, how long will you ignore Salma's talent? Give her an Oscar already!

********

I caught most of Fast Times at Ridgemont High last night on the Movie Channel. I read the original Rolling Stone article that the later book was based on and I read the book as well. However I had never seen the film all the way through and since I missed the first 20 minutes I still haven't. But what I did see I liked and it was not just because I got to see Jennifer Jason Leigh in the buff, I missed Phoebe Cates big nude scene darn it, well okay maybe seeing Ms. Leigh nude did have a lot to do with why I liked this movie so much. Damn it, I'm shallow like that.

Oh wait, I liked the soundtrack too. And Jennifer Jason Leigh didn't go all "Actor's Studio" on our asses in her performance and she was naked in it too. yeah, that's why I liked it. Maybe one day I'll see it all the way through. But I have a feeling if I don't that I've already seen the best parts.

Happy Nude Year!

Salma Hayek,this skeleton guy,

Crunky Jesus,
my insanely hot running mate,this white woman on a swing,
the ever so cute Reese Witherspoon,

this nun who looks like Amy Guth,
and Maribel Verdu and I

would like to wish all of you a very happy new year! We all hope that some of you get what you want next year and that others get what's coming to them. It's been my pleasure to write this blog everyday and I am overwhelmed that so many people read it and comment on it. Thanks for sticking around and for reading this crap I write.

Holy crap

It just hit me that I haven't put a picture of Salma Hayek on here recently. So to make up for it, here's one I stole off What Would Tyler Durden Do?:

A Second Helping of Two For Tuesday

Here's two pictures of a couple of beautiful American women.

Irene Bedard

Salma Hayek

My internets are on for awhile so I'll be blog stalking all of you later and of course my obsessive blogging will continue, sorry Barbara.

Man that had better be one hungry baby

Salma Hayek looks great for being 14 months pregnant, doesn't she? If she doesn't have that baby soon those boobs of hers are going to 'splode!

A brief history of Western Civilization hubris

Way back many many years ago, about 475 or so years ago, this guy figured out a way to map the whole world. His name was Mercator. This is one of the maps he made:
Because he knew so much about maps and geography, he speculated, in a book that the poles, both north and south, had to be surrounded by warm seas and that there was a wonderland full of exotic flora and fauna to be found at the poles. One had to only cross the ice and snow that preceded the warm polar seas to get access to these wondrous places.

People figured that because he was a white European guy who wrote that stuff in a book that it was of course true. Many many many people died as a result of Mercator's claims. Most of them froze to death, some got eaten by polar bears, and others died in other horrible ways. It took many many many years and many many many failed expeditions to finally prove to some people that Mercator knew how to make maps but that he did not know shit about the north and south poles.

A couple of hundred years later someone in Europe, most likely a con man, started to spread a story that he had been to a fabulous place called Timbuktu in Africa. He claimed that streets of Timbuktu were paved with gold and that the houses were covered in gold as well. He said the all the men of Timbuktu were learned sages who spent their days learning and lecturing. He said Timbuktu was a paradise of a city and that everyone who wanted to be rich and smart should flock there as soon as possible.

And many many many people believed this guy. Newspapers and magazines out did themselves in making up more stories about how wonderful and great Timbuktu was. Books were written by others who claimed to have been there and they said oh how great, oh how wonderful Timbuktu was. And people believed all of it because no one had been there.

So many an expedition was launched in the late 1700's and early 1800's to find this great city. And many a person and many many many camels and other animals died searching for the great city of Timbuktu. All these people and animals died of exposure to the sun, of thirst, or at the hands of desert tribesman.

Finally one day someone made it to Timbuktu and this is what they found:

A dry dusty dirty city in the middle of nowhere in the desert. No gold paved streets were found, no wise and learned sages were found, and the houses and buildings did not have gold covering them. Instead they were made out of mud, like this one:


So just like all those people who died searching for those warm polar seas, all the people who died searching for the great city of Timbuktu died because someone lied and had made up a story that sounded kind of nice.

Now flash forward to today.
These guys made up a story that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and was a danger to the USA and to white Christian people everywhere. They said that Saddam and Al Qaeda were working hand in glove to destroy us and that wouldn't it be great if we used all the weapons that we had built in the past few years to destroy those Muslim terrorists? They said the war might last six months at most and that it wouldn't cost us much and that we'd all be hap-hap-happy once we toppled Saddam and that we'd be safe once and for all.

Then many many many people died as a result of their story. And they did this type of shit to people who opposed them:
Then they denied doing it. They said that no one in command knew what was going on in that prison over there. And then they told the guy investigating it to back the fuck off his investigation.

So they kept the war going and going and they made life hell for the people in Iraq and Afghanistan and when we asked them to please stop it and to please act like men and women who have morals and a sense of right and wrong, they did this:

They continued their war of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan. They said they had to go on with the war in order to find the weapons of mass destruction (the one that were never there in the first place) and because if they did not then the terrorists would come back to the USA and fight us here because they hate us so much.

"I love you man."

"I love you too."

So while these two sucked each others tongues, people like this continued to suffer and pay the price for the war: If it weren't true it'd almost, and let me stress almost, almost be funny.

Since I hate to end this post in such a down beat way, here's a picture of Stirling Gallacher, last week's brunette o' the week.


And one of Salma Hayek for good measure.

And for the ladies, one of me.