A three line scene

"Man made climate change is real and it must be addressed."

"The pope needs to shut his cake hole, God is still in charge and he won't let anything bad happen to us Christians."

"Hey Senator Dumbass, who do you think sent Al Gore and all those scientists to tell you that global warming is a bad thing and that you fuckers need to knock it off and get started on fixing the damage you're doing to the planet?"

(This post is for information and entertainment purposes only.  This blog maintains that while man made climate change is real and it must be addressed, no gods are real.  The only god this blog recognizes is science.)

A peek at today's science lesson at Ronald Reagan Magnet School for Science

Fun conservative science experiments for today's hip happenin' kids!

Fill a metal bowl with battery acid and water, tell your liberal friends (if you have any hahahahaha!) to stick a hose in the mixture and suck it in.  As they lay dying and gasping for air, measure how many times the little atheist bastards who used to deny the existence of god call out for his holy saving grace and mercy.

Get two strips of paper.  Blow on them and make them rattle while some fancy book learnin' loving liberal is trying to study the fiction known as 'global warming.'  Count the number of times they tell you to stop and then shriek at them that they're expelling carbon dioxide and carbon is bad for the atmosphere. 

Put instant coffee in a big bowl.  Get some Starbucks cups and fill them with the instant coffee.  Sell them to gullible liberals and then give that money to a millionaire so they can create more jobs with it.  Then sit back and watch the economy grow.

Roll up a newspaper or magazine.  Then use it to spy on a woman undressing.  Measure how long it takes you to get a boner. When you get a boner, show it to your friends who are gay (if you have any hahahahaha!) and tell them that you got your boner the way God intended, by looking at boobs and vaginas.

If some of your gay friends still insist that they were 'born that way,' shove them in a closet, lock them in, and tell them you're going to pray their gay and they can't come out until they promise to stop thinking about achingly hard erect penises and taut slightly moist male rectums.  Then measure how long it takes for God to change their sinful ways and to bring them back to hetero-normalcy.

Get a piece of steel wool, hold it over a candle until it's super hot and glowing, then shove it on the face of an uninsured person and scream at them, "Where's your precious Obamacare now you little socialist bastard?"  Then run away and claim that it was a suspicious black male and not you who injured that uninsured person.

Canadian politicians are stupid

• Canadian Ted Cruz says the net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand what net neutrality means and that if Obama publicly said he opposed stabbing babies and then fucking the life out of them Cruz would say that Jesus commands us to stab babies and then fuck the life out of their bodies.
• Prime Minister Stephen Harper's political party has ordered scientists associated with the government not to publicly disclose the facts about the rate the ice is melting.  He's going to win the fight against climate change by not letting pesky facts out.  When the ice melts and the Atlantic conveyor shuts down, not one god damn conservative voting Canadian or politician should be allowed to escape to the USA.  

God damn you Al Gore

It's 70 degrees here where I live.  We never had this kind of heat this time of year until Al Gore started flapping his gums about 'global warming.'

Hey dude, where's my snow?

It's winter here in the northern hemisphere, but it's only 40 degrees Fahrenheit here where I live.  It's supposed to be near 60 by Thursday.  I want snow. 

Fucking climate change. 

Reviews you can use (and a plug)

While I found this novel by Ms. French to be enjoyable on one level, on another I found it deeply disappointing. The novel is about a police investigation into a murder of a young girl who was destined to scale the heights of the ballet world. And one of the Irish detectives who is investigating the case was, when young, one of three children who were part of an unsolved murder/kidnapping/missing child case. As a youth he was found clinging to a tree in the same forest where the young ballet dancer was found murdered many years later.

So what we have here is ostensibly two parallel stories about two separate cases that took place in the same section of woods in Ireland. But what we get is one very good story about the murder investigation and one very sub par and unfulfilled story about the detective who tries to make sense of and piece together what happened to him when he was a young teen in those same woods.

Ms. French succeeds in telling one story but leaves the other to twist and ultimately die in a not satisfying manner. She creates a claustrophobic atmosphere that works well when she's writing about the murder of Katy Devlin, the young ballet dancer, but not so well in the underdeveloped story about the crimes that happened to the detective. I therefore recommend this one with many reservations. Had Ms. French reached satisfying conclusions to both of the cases in her novel then I'd recommend this one highly. It's a decent read.

Have you had enough of superhero graphic novels and collections where the superhero always wins? Are you tired of stories about the superhero who wears his or her undies on the outside of their costume, no matter how quirky or deconstructed? If so, then the wildly innovative and offbeat Chew is for you.

It's the story of a detective, Tony Chu, later a federal agent, who gets psychic impressions from the food he eats. If he eats a burger he can 'see' the life and death that that particular cow had. Same thing with all meats and anything he eats, except beets. So you can see how his 'talent' comes in handy in a world where the federal government has banned the cooking and eating of chicken due to 'bird flu.'

While investigating a murder of a government food inspector Chu bumps up against his estranged brother who is a former TV chef, the mob, chicken smugglers, Russians near the Arctic circle, his boss, and his own partner, who also shares Chu's weird talent. Chu also finds himself in love with a food writer who's talent is that she writes about food so well that people can taste whatever she writes about, which is great for Chu because he can finally taste food without having to relive all that happened to it before it became food.

I fucking love this character and this graphic novel collection. It's got quirky interesting characters, plenty of action, plenty of interpersonal drama, a smidgen of science fiction, and a super interesting story that is a wild ride full of surprises. I love the writing, the art, everything. I can't wait to read the second volume in the this collection, and thank goodness my local library has it.

This one I super highly recommend.

This book tells in plain and simple language, that the non scientist, can understand about the causes and effects of the man made climate change that we're currently experiencing. It's written by one of the leading international authorities on coastal issues, Orrin Pilkey, and his son, my good friend and confidante Keith Pilkey.

Even if I didn't know Keith and and if I hadn't met Orrin a few years ago, I'd give this slender yet info packed book a big thumbs up. It's easily readable and it gives you the stark facts surrounding global climate change, and it even has a chapter on debunking the doubters. The authors aren't bought and paid for by Exxon or by FOX Noise, so you get the real unvarnished truth.

I highly recommend and am glad to plug this book by my friend and his dad.

My evening with Al

I and about 1500 others spent a few stolen moments with former Vice President Al Gore last night. He was the featured speaker for the 27th annual John P. Lamb Jr. Memorial Public Health Lecture, and no, I have no idea who the hell John P. Lamb Jr. was. Since this event is sponsored by the ETSU college of public health the theme of the lecture was 'Health Threats and the Climate Crisis.'

After the dean of the school of public health acknowledged about half the people in the crowd for one thing or another he introduced some skinny nervous girl who introduced Al. The girl proceeded to walk stiffly to the podium and she stiffly read her 3 x 5 card that had all her intro information on it. After welcoming us she then said that the former Vice President needed no introduction, and then the poor thing proceeded to give him one anyway. (Note to future introducers, if you say someone one needs no introduction, don't fecking give them one!) Finally she said those magic words, "Ladies and gentlemen, former Vice President Al Gore!"

We, of course, gave him a standing ovation and he drank it up graciously. Al looks good these days. He's lost all that inconvenient weight and he's sporting a decent hair cut for a change. He exudes confidence and intelligence. And the man knows how to get a crowd hooked. He started his lecture off by telling a few self deprecating stories about his life right after having the 2000 election stolen from him and honestly, he doesn't appear to be a bit bitter about it. The reason I think that is, is because he is doing and has done for the past 8 years far more important work than being President ever could be. He knows his legacy will be far more positive and lasting than that of the lying murdering thieving son of a bitch who stole the election from him in 2000. I'll go to my grave regretting voting for Ralph Nader and not Gore in the 2000 election. I'm sorry Al, I hope you forgive me.

Gore's talk was exactly as billed, it was about the public health threats we face due to the man made climate crisis we are facing. He spoke at length, though not at too much of a length, about the various problems that are cropping up as our planet heats up. You're familiar with the usual ones like deaths due to heat waves, droughts, flooding, and the like. But then he got into some of the other things that we're going to face such as increased malaria and other insect borne diseases. He pointed out that four factors prevent the spread of some insect and germ related diseases and those factors are: colder winters, colder nights, stable temps, and a food system that is rich in bio diversity. Then he added that as the temperatures rise all those four factors will be impacted negatively, for instance cities in Africa that were built above the mosquito lines are now seeing infestations of mosquito's and doctors in Canada who never saw any tick related diseases are now being inundated with them. People like that idiot Congress woman Michelle Bachman (R MN) and her intellectual twin in the US Senate James Inhofe (R OK) can say that the climate crisis is not happening or that man is not causing it but the facts, especially those pointed out by Gore in last night's lecture, prove them wrong.

He ended last night's talk with a plea to all of us to do our parts to end the climate crisis and to do something to convince our elected leaders to get off their asses, my words not his, and do something positive to end the this mess we're in. And because I'm such a nice guy, I decided to heed his words, so I'll be badgering the idiots who claim to represent me in Washington DC. And I'm offering you this list of things you can do to help end the climate crisis:

• Use compact fluorescent light bulbs in your homes.
• Use public transportation, a bike, or walk instead of driving your car or truck.
• Plant something. Ideally a tree but even flowers and other plants help.
• Plant a garden and don't use any pesticides, herbicides, or fungicides in it.
• Stop eating so many products that contain High Fructose Corn Syrup. Corn farming in this country is killing not only farm land and the rivers and oceans with all the petro chemicals used in it, it's making us fatter as a nation. Read food and drink labels and stop ingesting so much HFCS.
• Stop shopping at places that refuse to join the battle against climate change. The single biggest opponent to fighting the man made climate crisis is corporate America. Stop assisting them by giving them your dollars. Shop locally owned businesses instead.

All in all it was a very informative lecture and I'm glad I went.

Call me Dr. Smug

We bought this lawn mower today:
It uses zero gas, zero oil, and it emits zero noxious gasses and noxious noises. And upkeep on the little jewel is the cost of a sharpening file. I'm doing my part to not contribute to climate change, are you?

(And no, before you ask, that is not our house.)

Hoax?

I can't tell you how much I despise and do not trust this man:I could care less what he did 16 years ago to help put a Democrat in the White House. He's a lying weasel who should not be trusted because he married that flat chested Republican viper Marty Matalin. Anyone who has soft spot of romantic feelings for that nutty Nazi woman should not be let within 100 miles of a Democratic party Presidential campaign. He'd squeal to her about anything and everything he knows once they get in the torture chamber they call their bedroom.

What's got my boxers in a knot to day about them is that his crazy wife, who is an aide to Darth Cheney and who wants Scooter Libby to be pardoned by the way, has gone on TV and said that the climate change that we are causing is an unscientific hoax.

Umm, Marty, it's the other way around, all the sound science on the matter says that it's not a hoax but that it's real and it's soon to be irreversible. The hoax is that people like you and ExxonMobil and Dick Cheney who all make money off doing things that have caused this climate crisis keep saying it's not happening.
Maybe the guy who sold his soul so he could be on both sides of power all the time should tell his "Precious" that she's wrong and that they had better get on the side of the people on this issue. Oh wait, I forgot, she cut his nuts off the day they married so that she could control him. Maybe that nutty woman thinks the following things are hoaxes too:

1. Organ transplants.
2. The moon landing.
3. Suspension bridges.
4. Academic achievements by African Americans.
5. The Weather Channel.

Actually Marty, not that you read my blog anyway but here goes nonetheless, here is a list of things that are hoaxes:

1. Trickle down economics.
2. The economic theories of Milton Friedman.
3. The Bush war on terror.
4. A permanent Republican majority in Washington DC.
5. Intelligent Design.
6. Your husband and his claims that he is a Democratic party insider.

I'd usually say at this point that I hope this clears up all your misunderstandings but since it's you Marty, I know you have a learning disability when it comes to seeing the truth, I'll just say perhaps you ought to shut your mouth about science since it obvious that you have no idea what you are talking about when it comes to matters scientific.

Oh really?

I saw an article earlier on Yahoo! that I been dying to write about but then my super shittastic internet went down all day so I haven't been able to write about it until now. I'm not gonna link the article, instead I'm going to quote from it.

The aritcle was about, get this, and make sure your'e sitting down because if you're not then you'll fall over from laughter and then you'll get pissed at me, so sit, how renewable energy is not green and how bad it is going to be for the environment! Imagine that, renewable energy is going to be bad for our planet! Here from the article is it's central point: Building enough wind farms, damming adequate number of rivers and growing sufficient biomass to produce ample kilowatts to make a difference in meeting global energy demands would involve a huge invasion of nature, according to Jesse Ausubel, a researcher at the Rockefeller University in New York.

Wow. Who would have thought that burning all those fossil fuels that are causing our climate to change for the worse was actually so good in comparison to that damn wind, solar, and biomass power!

Stop laughing please, I mean it. Take a deep breath and let's go through this together.

Unless I miss my guess and I don't think I have because I have a degree in history, wasn't Rockefeller University founded by someone named Rockefeller? And wasn't the patriarch of the Rockefeller clan one John D. Rockefeller the late 19th and early 20th century robber baron who made his fortune in oil?

Along those same lines how does Yahoo! make their money? Advertising. Who advertises heavily on Yahoo!? Car manufacturers. Don't car manufacturers want us to keep burning fossil fuels like crazy? Aren't they and the oil companies behind the discrediting of the science behind climate change? Hell yes they are.

So there you have it. A "researcher" at Rockefeller University, a school founded/funded by the family who made it's fortune in oil, says that renewable energy is bad for the planet and Yahoo!, a company that makes millions from auto and truck manufacturers who advertise on their website put that article on the front of their web page which many people use as their homepage, which I must admit I also did until today.

How stupid do they think we are? How much "invaison of nature" do they think something like this would be?

Or this?

I have an idea. My idea is that every city, county, and state mandate that all new buildings, residential and commercial, have some form of electricity producing solar panel built on them. Also every big box retailer, like Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, Pet Smart, etc, should retro fit their buildings with energy producing solar panels or they must plant some kind of food producing garden on their roofs and that food must be given away for free to low income people. The energy producing solar panels must also be put on every hospital, church and synagogue, prison, and government building. It's insane that businesses, hospitals, churches, and schools are not already doing this.

Here's another crazy idea for you Jesse, how about instead of building dams that destroy natural habitat and eco systems, we build instead some of these ocean based turbines to generate power? Oh I know you're going to say, "That will kill the little fishies!" Actually, no it won't. We build a mesh curtain in around the turbines so only the very smallest marine organisms will be affected.

Another crazy idea is we put these wind turbines on the tops of the mountains we are currently blowing up so we can strip mine the coal beneath. And we also put them in places where wind blows like crazy, like say in the desolate areas of Oklahoma, which would be pretty much all of Oklahoma.

Then you know what Jesse dude? We could get the US Government to stop the ban on growing hemp. Maybe you did not know that hemp can be made into fuel, food, clothes, and many other products. Or maybe you did and since you work at a university founded and funded by people who made their money in oil you just want to forget that.

One final idea. How about we harness the hotness of Sheila E, Gong Li, Salma Hayek, Scar Jo, and the leads on Weeds and we use that to generate power for ourselves.

Heaven forbid we stop burning gas, coal, oil, and natural gas. Heaven forbid we actually stop listening to people who have been paid by the gas, oil, and automotive industries to write reports that claim renewable energy is not green and is bad for the planet.

Jesse and Yahoo!, you'll both forgive me if I don't believe your lies. You'll forgive me if I don't fall for your fossil fuels burning is good and renewable energy is bad crap. Honestly, are you people bucking for a position in the Bush administration? You both seem to have their backward bizarro thinking down pat.

You'll wish you had listened to Al Gore sooner when this type of stuff starts to happen

But you know what? Al will be totally cool with it and he'll help you subdue Zog because that's the kind of guy he is.

Stopping Eco-terrorists or Is that DDT in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

We were taking a break from our obsessive blogging and You Tube viewing the other day when we spied a man spraying something on the grounds here at Monkey Muck HQ.We stopped preparing our lunch, opened the door, and asked the gentleman what he was spraying on the ground.

"I'm killin' weeds," was his response.

We were aghast. We may be monkeys here at Monkey Muck HQ but even we know that spraying toxic crap on plants to kill weeds is bad in the short and long term for our planet. The poisons kill the weeds but then they also leach into the ground, spread among other plants and the underground insects, and end up in the water table. Now at some point some one is going to drink that water and they will ingest that poison again, so it's just bad all around. We told him not to spray around our condo, oops we mean our HQ, especially since we grow herbs that we use on our foods.

The slack jawed yokel said that he did not spray his toxic sludge in pots, so it was okay.

We were polite but insistent. "Please don't spray that stuff anywhere in front of our place," we told him with a grim smile. "We keep the weeds down out here by pulling them out."

The smug sprayer said, "Oh, you missed that Virginia Creeper and poison ivy by the way." He gave us a menacing look and waved his nozzle at us in a threatening manner.

We wanted to make it our wishes crystal clear so we said to him, "Please, don't spray that stuff in front of our condo." He sneered and snapped, "This stuff is safer than salt."
Thinking that maybe he was hard of hearing, we said in a loud yet still polite voice, "DON'T SPRAY THAT STUFF ON ANYTHING IN THE FRONT OR IN THE BACK OF THIS CONDO."
That seemed to do the trick and the pugnacious purveyor of plant poisons petered off.

While we were happy that we prevented one act of eco-terrorism,

we wondered how many of you out there still use herbicides, pesticides, and toxic "fertilizers."

We're not threatening you or anything, but we just wanna say that if we catch any of you using that crap, we will open a big ol' can of monkey whoop ass on you.

Why the right wingers hate Al Gore

First of all they hate him because he was Bill Clinton's Vice President. Only a tiny number of people will ever become Vice President and all of the haters will never achieve what Gore did. And they hate it that because of Gore Bill Clinton got elected not once but twice to the highest political office in the land.

They hate ol' Al for telling the truth about the change in our planet's climate and the human role in it. Right wing nut cases continue to deny that our climate is changing and they continue to deny that man, especially people in the so called 'first world,' the USA, Canada, and most European countries, are the main cause of the changes in the climate. They claim that not all the facts are in and yet every peer reviewed study on climate change says that man is causing the changes to our climate. There is no peer reviewed study that says the opposite. One can not find any scientific study or fact that contradicts the evidence that we humans are fouling up our planet with greenhouse gasses.

Now why do they hate Al Gore for telling us all this? Because if he is correct, and yes Vice President Gore IS correct on this climate change matter, then that means that they are going to have to revise their ways of life. It also means that they would have to help out people they hate, for example all those dirty brown skinned people in Bangladesh and the damn dirty commies in China, the fags in New York, and the human scum who don't vote Republican in Florida. It galls the right to no end that they may have to actually help someone other than their rich white skinned brethren. It also means that they will have to help out poor people and Jeebus knows they don't want to do that.

They also hate Al because he got more votes than bush jr in 2000 and they know that ol' Al by all rights won that election. Had the recount gone forward and that dragon "woman" Harris not certified the false election returns as accurate, they know that Gore would have won hands down.

They continue to hate him because they know he is still a potent political force in this country. They know that if he chose to, he could be elected president once more and just as sure as the sun rises in the east he would show everyone how much better of a Commander in Chief he would have been if the Supreme Court had not appointed bush jr to the post in 2000.

Finally, they hate Al Gore because he beat them at their own game. He was just a heart beat away from being President for 8 years, he is the "leader" of a movement that is doing good worldwide, and he can, if he wants, become president, hopefully sometime soon.