Today's Radical Right Wing Christian News Round Up

1) Britney Spears 16 year old little sister Jamie Lynn's pregnancy has left their Mom's publisher red faced and embarrassed. Mrs. Spears book on, and I shit you not, Christian parenting has been delayed indefinitely. In related news Amy Winehouse's book on personal grooming and how to stay drug and alcohol free has also been delayed.

2) Mitt Romney's Mormon roots are showing and his magic underpants are growing! He's decided to marry again! There may be a bit of a problem with his new spouse though, there's been talk she used to be or still is a man. That's okay with Mitt though, he's been known to flip flop on things before!

4) Mike Huckabee is still intent on making sure everyone is celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ this year, and that includes all you damn dirty Jews, Papists, tree huggers, dirt worshippers, Methodists, Mormons, Tom Cruisers, Jedi Knights, atheists, agnostics, Zoroastrians, Rastafarian's, Native Americans, Yoga practitioners, and anyone else who is not a right wing evangelical Christian like him. He also wants to remind everybody that anyone caught celebrating anything other than the birth of Jesus this holiday season will be eaten or rounded up and imprisioned at Gitmo
5) Have no fear, Right wing Jesus is ever vigilant and He will stop any and all dudes from kissing each other during his birthday celebration. But to prove he's got that Christmas spirit, he's going to let hot young women who want to kiss one another go right ahead.
6) And finally, it's about time but some Christians are going green:

An open letter to Tom Delay

Dear Tom,

I read online parts of that New Yorker article on the implosion your political party. I liked it to so much I went out and bought a copy of the very same magazine. I told myself I wanted to have it so I could read the story by David Sedaris, the article about Paul McCartney, and the one by Gunter Grass where he writes about his days in the SS. But what I really wanted to do was to read all of the article about you and Rove and Newt.

Man, you guys are something. Your sniping and backbiting prove that the old adage that victory has many mothers but defeat is an orphan is true. I loved how all of you blame one another for your party's defeat in 2006 and how all of you have different ideas on how to win back the Congress in 2008.

But to be honest Tom, what I really loved was how you said that your adultery was not as bad as Newt's. See Tom, I may be an atheist now, and please inform your pal Chuck Norris that I said that will you please?, but I still remember all those commandments from my years of church going. So I had to laugh when you said your transgression wasn't as bad as Newt's because I know god damned well that your Bible says all adultery is bad, period. You knew you were doing wrong when you boned that other woman while you were still married and just because you asked Jesus to forgive you, that does not make it right. Your still an adulterer in the eyes of your god and you always will be, just like Newt, and Henry Hyde, and John McCain, and Rudy 9/11 are.

Congrats on the whole getting messages from your god thing too Tom. It's really a coup for you. Although to be honest I'm surprised you shut that fat yap of yours long enough for him to tell you he wants you to rebuild the Republican Party. Just asking here Tom, but did he say anything about the Democrats? Should they rebuild as well? Or does he hate them or something?

Oh, shit, man, I forgot to tell you that god spoke to me as well. She said that I should write blog posts that let people know how full of shit you are and how you really don't speak for her or her Mexican son Jesus. She wanted me to remind you about that whole rich person/camel through the eye of a needle thingy too. And she said that I could feel free to post pictures that make you look ridiculous as well and that I could write smart ass snarky captions under them too. Turns out that the whole god talking to people thing is pretty common Tom, so there you go.

Anyhoo, here's a picture of you I found on the internets just a few minutes ago:

Do not feed him or he will follow you home.

And here's another:

Only Tom's hair does not like Georgie's farts.

You hang in there now Tom and I'll be watching for that trial of yours that's coming up and I think you know who I'll be rooting for. Yep. For the prosecutor. I have to root for him Tom, god told me to.

Sincerely,
Dr. Monkerstein