Happy Thanksgiving You Jive Turkeys

I hope your holiday is dyno-mite!

Thankful

This year I'm thankful for:
the NBA lockout,
for Roku,
for Netflix and HuluPlus,
for jellied cranberry,
for fresh baked banana bread,
for friends both near and far,
for the fact that my family is mostly far away from me,
for my local library,
for Isolda Dychauk,
for Marta Gastini,
for Assumpta Serna,
and for you, the people who read this blog.

Please remember that I'm trying to raise money to buy a new pair of glasses. If you can spare any money I'd appreciate it, $5, $10, $15, whatever. Most donations of $25 or more get a random selection of my art cards. Here's the how you can donate:

Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Mark your calendars

My Thanksgiving special will air on the Spuzz Channel at 10:30 PM on Thanksgiving night. This year's show is going to be the bestest one ever!

My co hostSigourney Weaver and I will sing many duets, engage in cheesy comedic banter, make out a bit, and do Tarot card readings for Phylis Schlafly and Christine O'Donnell.

Then we'll track down the ever elusive Julianne Moore
and shave her muff so that we can weave a shirt out of her pubic hair. And we'll give that pubic hair shirt to Sofia Coppola.
Next I'll welcome on Eva Birthistle
and she and I will grease each other up in a mixture of turkey fat, pumpkin pie filling, and Vitalis and we'll tag team wrestle an international contingent of actresses that include Catherine Deneuve
Diane Kruger and Alex Kingston.

And finally Mena Suvrai will drop in to help us kick off the official war on Christmas.

This year, with the help of the liberal media, the labor unions, George Soros, and Barbra Bush's miscarried fetus in a jar, we're going to kick Jesus's ass in the war on Christmas!So don't forget to mark your calendars for this year's show, it's going to be super monkey-tastic!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful that I never had to learn archery and wear tight satin shorts while doing it. I'm also thankful that I found this picture the other day in a social studies textbook that I bought at the thrift store the other day. That topless little girl shooting her bow just slays me. And the shorts on the young boy also make me giggle.

Have fun eating your turkey, your tofurkey, and whatever else you're having today. We'll be heading over to Sparky's folks house in the afternoon and we'll eat far too much food while we're over there. And then we'll go back on Friday to eat leftovers from Thursday's meal. It's a tradition with us.

And speaking of tradition, we'll be heading over to Snad and John's on Saturday for our new tradition of having another Thanksgiving meal, playing board games, and hanging out with them on Thanksgiving Saturday. Yay new traditions!

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

I live in a magical place where Thanksgiving meals never end

The table was set and at about 3:45 yesterday afternoon Sparky's family came over for dinner. Unfortunately Sparky's work friend couldn't make it because her little girl got sick. I was bummed because I was looking forward to seeing the little tyke because she and I have something in common, we've both had open heart surgery. I had mine at age 42 and little Maria had hers before she turned 2, she was born with a heart defect that they had to correct before her heart grew any bigger than it was then. Thankfully she made it through her operation with flying colors, and she probably shed a few less tears and complained less than I did when I had my open heart surgery. I had bought her a little book and I got the stuffed animals out for her to play with but sadly she caught some snotty nosed brat's cold in day care and she couldn't come. Here's hoping my lil' surgery buddy gets well soon!

Anyway, here's the Thanksgiving day supper she missed out on:

1. Turkey

2. Dressing

3. Sweet potato casserole

4. Stuffed mushrooms

5. Chips and homemade salsa

6. Fresh cut celery, carrots, and cherry tomatoes

7. Home made dip

8. Broccoli/cauliflower salad

9. Baked butternut squash with toasted pecans and bleu cheese

10. Cooked carrots

11. Cranberries

12. Gravy

13. Brussels sprouts

14. Mashed potatoes

15. Spicy shrimp

16. Homemade bread with herbed butter

With all that food you'd think we lay off the dessert wouldn't you? Well, you'd be wrong. Here's the dessert and drink table:

1. Red velvet cake

2. Pumpkin pie

3. Pecan pie

4. Homemade banana bread

5. Homemade pecan and chocolate chip cookies

6. Fruit salad

7. Pumpkin pie cake

8. Sweet tea

9. Unsweet tea

That's Sparky's dad pouring himself some unsweet tea. I showed him the post where I used his old army picture and he wanted to thank all of you for your nice comments, especially you K. Line.

********

We'll be having leftovers of that fine meal for a couple of days to come and tomorrow we go over to our friend Snad's house for Thanksgiving dinner with her and her husband, her brother Mike and his sons, and some other friends. We're looking forward to it because our friend Snad is not only a great commenter on my blog, she's also a damn fine cook and a great hostess.

********

In other good news I got an email from my old college buddy who just moved to Mumbai. He told me he's fine and that he was good and far from the terrorist fray.

Have great weekend kids, and happy eating!

A Thanksgiving Day memory

It was Thanksgiving day 1976 and Aunt Rageaholic and Uncle Adultery were taking the first few tentative steps on the road to their messy divorce. Tension was high all around because they were fighting tooth and nail and it inevitably rubbed off on us kids, some of us more than others.

My older brother Charlie was above the fray and he did his best to ignore everything and anything until it directly affected him. Cousin Smart Ass and his younger brother Cousin Psycho were jockeying for the Alpha male position among us kids so they were butting heads just like their mom and dad. The young females, my sister Sandy and Cousin Skank, stayed out of the way during most of the fighting and jockeying. I was not interested at all in doing any fighting or chest thumping so I mostly just watched and made wisecracks when things got crazy or I would hang out with my younger cousin, Sam who is now deceased, and you'll learn more about him in another post one of these days.

Anyway, on this particular Thanksgiving we were to go to dinner at a local minister's house. I forget his name but he was part of a cabal of evangelicals who came down from Minnesota. He ministered to about 3 or 4 small churches in the areas, he'd preach at one church one Sunday and another the next and so on and so on. He was a big affable guy who was actually very nice despite the fact that he was a minister in a christian sect whose members had religion shoved so far up their asses that it came out of their mouths whenever they drew a breath.

We were supposed to go to his house and have dinner with him and his wife and their daughter, all of them were big ol' corn fed people, if you know what I mean, around five in the evening so we had all day to kill. I tried to kill the time by reading and watching football. I remember quite clearly that I wanted desperately to watch the Redskins/Cowboys game that day but I was not allowed to because no one else watched liked football and most all my cousins made fun of me for liking sports and they usually taunted me when they knew it was on and I was not being allowed to watch it.

I was moping around about not being able to see my beloved Redskins play when I decided that I had had enough, I decided to march into the trailer where we lived at the time and I was going to turn on the game and see whatever I could of it. But as I opened the door Cousin Smart Ass and Cousin Psycho came rolling out in a flurry of punches, kicks, and grunts. Their mom and dad's verbal sparring had caused their sons to fight one another. I watched with more than a little glee as my would be tormentors turned on themselves for a change. I took a great amount of satisfaction in seeing them get into trouble for fighting and for dirtying up their clothes before our trip to the minister's house. Their dad broke them up and he told them to go get cleaned up and after they did we left for our dinner out.

Things simmered between them and between their parents but they were all able to put their bad feelings aside and act like decent people while we ate. The minister found out I was a football fan like he was so he conspired to leave the game on while we ate. He assured me it would stay on and that I could watch it with no interruption.

His wife however had other ideas, she made him turn off the TV while we ate. I was sad about not being able to see the end of the game and my cousins picked up on it and they taunted me about having to miss the ending of the game. I laughed it off because my team was ahead and I did my best to ignore them. But being the baying jackals they were they kept on making fun of me, but in a flash I saw there on the table my instrument of revenge, and it was a big bowl of pinto beans. There are two things in this world that give me the foulest smelling gas that a human being can emit and those two things are buckwheat flour and pinto beans. The more they made fun of me for not being able to watch the game, the more beans I ate. I shoveled those beans in my face as fast as my teen age arm would let me. I passed on having seconds of turkey and dressing so that I could have more and more beans. I ate practically the whole bowl of those brown little gas bombs and then I sat back and waited for the beans of mass destruction to take effect.

I began squeezing off smelly volleys of gas about an hour after dinner and I managed to let them loose while sitting or standing next to my cousins. My evil plan began paying benefits almost as soon as my noxious emissions hit the atmosphere. But I knew the best was yet to come.

We said our goodbye's to the minister and his family and we all packed into the big Chevy Suburban that we used to have and we began our journey home. Once everyone was in the vehicle I could let my farts wreak their full havoc. The gas roiled around in me and I did my dead level best to let it out. I was the king of 'silent but deadly' on that ride home. Everyone bitched and moaned about the stench but to me it was the smell of victory. I laughed my teenage ass off when we finally got home and everyone scrambled to get out of the car. I smiled sweetly and said, "I guess I ate too many beans." As they gasped for fresh air I laughed some more.

But it turned out that the Cowboys had the last laugh in the whole matter because a little known quarterback named Clint Longley came off the bench and led his team to a last second win over my Redskins. When I saw that in the paper the next day I turned and faced the general direction of Dallas, Texas and I cut the cheese once more.

Thanksgiving

I like Thanksgiving, provided I'm not anywhere near the crazy ass toxic people who's gene pool I sprang from. As most of you know I like to cook and I like to eat so this holiday is tailor made for a fat bastard like me.

We've got Sparky's family coming over and a friend of Sparky's from work is coming and she's bringing along her little toddler daughter. I'm grateful that they are all coming over here for the first big holiday of the season.

I'm also grateful that come Jan. we'll be rid of the thugs who ran our economy and our country into the ground. I'll be even more grateful if the incoming Obama administration prosecutes those who were responsible for the torturing and the war crimes this country has committed over the past 8 years.

I'm grateful for Sparky, our friends, my college buddies who I recently hooked back up with on Facebook, and all of you my fellow bloggers, readers, and commenters.

But most of all I'm grateful I'm not a turkey that's going to be on someones table tomorrow. Gobble, gobble.