What did you do on Black Friday?

"We went shopping, then we cried our eyes out."

"We silently judged everyone we looked at."

"Prayed that the tests come back negative."

"I told my pets about Jesus."

"Married my horse."

"Went to the gloryhole with my non gay husband."

"I froze my tits off, but camping outside of Best Buy was totally worth it.  I got three bucks off a flat screen TV and some dude groped my ass."

"Look deep in to my eyes...you are getting sleepy, very sleepy..."

"I shamed poor people.  I'm tired of those bastards using all their savings this time of year to buy presents for their lazy kids who won't quit school and get jobs to buy their own cheap presents."

"I spent the day trolling right wingers on Facebook. I love pissing those idiots off."

Little known provisions of the Affordable Care Act

 Free birth control must now be worn on the outside of women's bodies.  And women must accessorize it with their daily wardrobe.  

Titty twisters will now be used to treat any and all pulmonary related illnesses.

 Everyone must drink a half gallon of tequila before every operation.

 All anuses must be accessible for the pleasure of gay hospital staff.

 Doctors must now actually look at the vaginas they treat instead of just thrusting a hand under a sheet covered one.  And if the vagina is attached to a white Christian female who is still a virgin, her hymen must then be broken by the doctor or the nearest Muslim.

 Pets no bigger than a Shetland pony will be allowed in hospital room.

 Squankton's syndrome, dispeptomia, and bloody socket will not be covered under any insurance plan unless it strikes a person making less than $250,000 annually, or if the person is an undocumented worker.

You'll get a two percent discount on your copay if you clean your own hospital room.  

No matter how you slice it...

...dolls are creepy as hell.

Let's check in with some 'persecuted' Christians

 "Them dang atheists won't let me save them.  They is persecuting me by not listening to me preach the holy word."

 "I want as many plump wives as I can get.  Jesus told me it was okay, so why won't the government let me do what the son of God wants?"

 "I want to pray to Jesus loudly everywhere, even in a mosque and where ever it those demonic Jews gather, is that so wrong?"

 "God told us to hate you."

 "My wife wants a bigger hairdo, the higher her hair, the closer to Jesus we are.  Fuck the government and all those who say she can't have higher hair."

 "Jesus didn't wear panties.  Why do I have to?  My snatch is holy and pure, I should be able to show it where and when I want."

"If Jesus comes back and talks that socialist stuff again, then he's persecuting me!  It's my God given right to ignore all the social justice shit in the Bible."

A Day with Debbie (remixed for Republicans!)

 Debbie was bored and she wanted to go out and have fun so she told her mom:

 "Mom, I'm getting the fuck out of Dodge for a while.  I need to let off some steam, take some drugs, do some vandalism, have an abortion, and incite voter fraud."

Her mom said, "That's fine honey, your out of work dad and I needed some some sexy alone time so we could make another baby that our big government overlords will have to feed because we take no personal responsibility for our lives or the children we bring into this world. Be sure to take your little brother with you or he might want to sex me up too.  On second thought, leave him here in case your meth addicted dad can't get it up.  Hail Obama!"

As soon as she got outside she saw some kids exercising and playing a game that the patriarchy uses to keep vaginal Americans oppressed, so she broke the game up and told the boys to follow her.  The lads were God fearing Jesus loving children but they were entranced by Debbie's out of control sexuality, so they meekly submitted and followed her.

 "Hey look!," cried one of the boys, "She's displaying and I'm getting a boner!"  "You mount her first," said the little Negro boy, "I might stretch her out with my big penis that I now plan to stick in every white female I see!" 

 But Debbie had other plans.  She pulled her dress down so the boys could not mate with her and she did that because she saw something in the bushes.  It was something that all feminists love and can not resist!  It was an illegal immigrant Mexican lesbian! 

Debbie and her Mexican lesbian friend cavorted through the neighborhood flaunting their sexual depravity while forcing others to become atheists, kill kittens, and to steal the Social Security checks and prescription medicine from white senior citizens.

After making a mockery of all that's right, true, and holy, Debbie said goodbye to her friends and she went home.  Her mother welcomed her home and then they went to a rich person's house and stole some food to make their lunch with.

After they ate lunch they enjoyed some hard core pornography, burned some Bibles, and wiped their lazy butts with an American flag while they prayed that Obama would always bless them with unemployment checks and that he'd keep supporting the war on Christmas.

So all in all, it was just another regular day in Debbie's inner city life. 

Things were a lot faster in 1968

From the 1968 edition of the Home Health Encyclopedia:

Three to five minutes? Those guys were stallions!