This blog has gone to the dogs

Hipster dogs, that is.

How to stop the imprisonment of innocent people in one easy step

The state of Louisiana just freed a man who's been on death row for over 20 some years.  Turns out he was wrongly convicted and was innocent all along.  He'll never get all those years back they took from him but we can use his case as a springboard to stopping it from happening to anyone else ever again.  And we do that by passing a law that says that if any convicted prisoner is found to be innocent for whatever reason, though most of the time it's due to police and prosecutorial misconduct, then all people behind his conviction, cops, prosecutors, judges, every one, must go to prison for the same amount of time that prisoner was originally sentenced for or for as much time as that prisoner served, whichever is more.  Once we start holding the police, prosecutors, and the judges truly accountable, then maybe they'll stop filling prisons with innocent and wrongly convicted men and women.

Pretty much

What are today's active senior citizens up to?

Today's senior citizens don't just smell like stale piss, vote Republican, eat supper at 4:30 in the afternoon, and shout at neighborhood kids.  No, they're doing much more than that with their healthier longer more active lives.

Some seniors enjoy filling cakes with laxatives and giving them to friends on their birthdays.  Others love knit and crochet condoms and g strings for their sexually active buddies.

 It true the world over, seniors love to make lists.

Travel and tourism is a big hit among today's seniors.  This enterprising fellow sold a big tour package to seniors in his town without telling them that he'd cut the brake lines on the bus that was supposed to take them to Branson, MO and after it crashed, he traveled to Mexico with all that cash he made and now he lives on the beach with a large breasted 20 year old Mexican woman who doesn't mind his constant farting and pernicious old man smell.

Seniors like to wear hats when kidnapping disobedient children, masks too.  They also like to leave their prosthetic limbs laying around on buses, at churches, and in libraries, so watch out!

And finally some senior citizens love to play practical jokes in their golden years.  This old gal loves to fill dolls with anthrax, STD's, or heroin before giving them to sick children.  When those kids get hopped up on 'H' and then get VD, their terminal cancer is the least of their worries!  Hilarity.

So, as you can see, today's old folks are keeping busy while the rest of us pine for the good old days when people didn't live so god damn long.

Your daily vomit inducing POTUS related video

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When someone bitches about Obama doing stuff for Funny or Die, show them this video.

Interspecies romance

It's nearly spring and someone's fancy has turned to love.

Here's a way to tell if you're a horrible person

If you hate it that some films advertise the fact that they have an all black cast because you think you'd be called a racist if you said a film had an all white cast, then you're a horrible person.

If you think reverse racism exists and that you, a white person, are the target of it, then you're a horrible person.

If you think the above two things and you still try to deny you're a racist, then you're a horrible person.

Another hipster dog by yours truly

I like his two different arm sizes.

1970's Japan

Who needs to shut the fuck up this week?

• Religious right wingers.  These insane bastards have a huge boner for Vladimir Putin and his anti gay legislation and for how 'strong' he appears next to Obama.  Could you closet cases get any more fatheaded?  You'd prefer Hitler to Obama or any one who remotely doesn't seem to hate gays as much as you pretend to.  Seriously, come out of the closet, embrace your homosexuality, and leave people the fuck alone.
• Bindi Irwin and Terri Irwin.  Ambassador for Sea World?  Really ladies?  Terri, how does it feel to pimp your underage daughter out for 30 pieces of silver? And Bindi, how does it feel to shit all over what little conservation work your father did?  Money talks louder than crying orcas I guess.  I hope someone forcibly restrains you both and makes you live in a Motel 6 bathroom for years and years so you will know what it's like for those whales you're helping imprison.  You're both really super awful human beings and I hope you gals meet a stingray pretty fucking soon.
• Darrell Issa.  Shutting off a black man's mic isn't racist at all.  No sir.  Nope.  Just ask Sean Hannity and Bill O'Rielly.
• John Travolta.  Adele Dazeem?  Fuck you and Xenu too.  
• Me.  Holy shit, sometimes my self righteousness annoys even me.  

Call me crazy

Credit where credit is due

Jack Davis is a genius illustrator.

What I've been watching

I watched all five series of this sci fi show and I'm surprised at how much I miss it now that I'm done with it.  The premise is a storm hits London and somehow it endows some with superpowers and it causes others to become what they truly were inside.

Like most all great series that originate in Britain each series is only 6 to 8 episodes long and usually, the cast changes from series to series, especially so after series 2 in the case of this show.  At first I found some of the changes to be off-putting but eventually I grew to like all the main characters.

This show is funny, exciting, suspenseful, and fun.  It's also chock full of beautiful young women, which is always a plus for me.  It's currently airing on HuluPLUS and on DVD.

I'm not ashamed to say this creepy little limited series about the goings on in a creepy WW2 English orphanage made me choke up a little.  I hate to see kids mistreated, even if it's a fictional story.  And of course I always identify strongly with the kids who are being abused and bullied because I was mistreated and bullied growing up.  This one is suspenseful and enjoyable if you like supernatural shows.  I liked it.  It's on HuluPLUS.

Sugartown is another in the long line of shows about how a scrappy bunch of quirky oddballs save a small English town from greedy developers.  It's quirky and fun but you can see everything coming a mile away.  It's on HuluPLUS.

Bob Guccione was the sleazy flip side to Hugh Hefner.  He made a fortune off his porn magazine Penthouse and he in turn lost most every penny he made because he was stubborn, pig headed, and thought he was smarter than everyone else.  Yes, he made money off sex, but most all his employees were women who were devoted to him.  Yes, he sold porn and made money off the sexuality of others but he also used his publishing platform to push science literacy, fine art, and other issues that benefited mankind.  I know many people today, both men and women, have problems with and hate porn but back in the '70's, Guccione was one o the people who helped bring us to where we are today, we're better off because he did what he did both for the sexual side of things and also for the first amendment cases he helped along.  At one time he thought he'd live forever but in the end, he died nearly penniless and a pariah.  His life was quite a ride and this film tells his story in an eye opening non prurient way, although there is a fair bit of nudity in it.  This documentary is on Netflix.

Have at it

Rep. Steve Stockman says he's jail anyone who publishes his mughsot from the 1970's.  He's under the impression that he can do this because he wasn't convicted of the crime for which he got arrested.  Well, Mr. Stockman, I encourage you to come after me and try to have me arrested.

There's nothing like a pulsating story

First Aid Do's and Don'ts

 Don't listen to doctors tell you you're not qualified to administer first aid.  They want to keep you from saving lives because they're afraid that if you do then they'll lose money and prestige.

 Do make sure a woman is not just doing yoga or some other form of stretching before you stuff a cork the size of Rhode Island in her bunghole because you assume she's going to launch a thermonuclear fart in your general direction.

 Don't be afraid to have several alcoholic drinks before attempting first aid, you need to be loose and uninhibited during times of stress.

 Do make sure your first aid kit is fully stocked with lunch meat, a couple of doobies, and a packet of Tic Tacs before you leave the house.  

Don't be afraid to beat up any snotty nosed punk ass kids who try to tell you you're administering first aid wrong and that they know more about it than you do because they read some fancy ass book or took some shitty stupid life saving course.  Honestly, most kids need a good ass whoopin' anyway, so once you've saved whoever needed first aid, feel free to administer some much needed spankings to any brats in your vicinity.

 Do be wary of anyone who claims that the best first aid you can offer them is oral sex, unless that person is Jennifer Lawrence, Salma Hayek, Emilia Clarke, or Karla Crome.  

 Don't hesitate to poke people lying on the ground, you have to make sure they're not just drunk or lying in wait to ambush you.  Safety first.

Do bite ungrateful people to whom you've just administered first aid if they forget to thank you for your selfless act.  Bite hard enough to draw blood to show them you mean business and that you're not going to take any of their shit.  

Ukraine on my mind

There's been a lot of pearl clutching and wringing of hands over the current situation in the Ukraine.  And of course the corporate media and the right wingers want to paint the conflict over there in black and white and make it out to be a good (USA and the west) versus evil (Russia) fight.  But it's not, it's deeper and more complex than that.

Notice how Ukraine shares a border with Russia.  So no matter if you, neo cons, talking heads on CNN, or people who love to flog the ghost of Ronnie Reagan like it or not, Ukraine is in the sphere of Russian influence.  Russia is it's largest trading partner and Russia will take any destabilization in the Ukraine as a threat because they share such a sensitive border.  They share not only a border, they share a common language, a common religion, and a common history.

This current unrest wasn't sparked by some freedom loving Ukrainians who suddenly want their country to be the 51st US state, it was actually sparked by western politicians.  They gave the Ukrainian leadership an ultimatum that basically said, "If you want to join us in the west you have to stop being so cozy with Russia."  Of course this ultimatum didn't go down so well with Putin and the Russians,so they backed the recently deposed president, and to be sure he is one unsavory character who has learned the worst traits of leadership from his buddy Putin.  But, there you go, back someone in a corner and tell them to make a choice, and this is what you get.

Let's be clear here, there are many in the Ukraine who want to be more western and to leave their historic relationship with Russia behind.  And there are many who want to tell the USA and the west to go fuck themselves and remain Russia's BFF.  It's probably near 50/50, and that's why they're fighting each other and why it may get worse over there.  I know two things for sure that will happen if real riots and even more fighting breaks out over there and they are that Russia will send troops in and that if the USA or NATO sends troops in, it will be like throwing gasoline on a fire.

People who hate Obama will demand he send in troops and this will be the worst thing he could ever do.  If we send in troops it will be tantamount to invading Russia, which we already did once back at the end of World War 1.  The best thing we can do is to work towards a diplomatic solution that avoids us or NATO sending in troops or bombs.  We're already reeling from Bush/Cheney's wars of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan,  we don't need to lose any more American lives on foreign soil in dubious wars fought for specious reasons.

Remember, we've been in Russia's shoes in situations like this before.  We've invaded most every country in central and south America for a lot less then what's happening in the Ukraine.  Historically we've used the Monroe Doctrine, which said that anyone other than us interfering in any country in north, central, or south America would be looked on as aggression and therefore would lead to war with us, to cover our bluster and bravado, just like the Soviets used to brandish the Brezhnev Doctrine, which said that any attempt to convert Communist countries to capitalism would be looked on as an act of aggression and would lead to war with the USSR.  So basically, what Putin is doing now is updating the Brezhnev Doctrine in a post Communist world, he's protecting what he feels is his turf.

I'm not agreeing with him, I'm not saying what he's doing is right, I'm just saying it is what it is.  If the Ukrainian people want to become more western and join the west, then fine, so be it, but on the other hand, if they want to be Russia's best buds and trade with the country that has historically been their partner, albeit at times an abusive partner, then they should be allowed go that route if they wish it.  I don't want bloodshed, riots, or full scale civil war over there.  I also don't want Russian troops occupying Ukraine, and I especially don't want to see NATO or US troops on the ground over there.  This crisis needs to be solved diplomatically even if, no, especially if, the chicken hawks on Fox News hate it.

Let's dance

There must have been a dearth of males willing to dance or Chicago was awash in lesbians back then.

Winter is almost over, let's party!

Happy March everybody!

Brutally honest product reviews

 I love the two varieties of this Mexican import beer that I've tried so far.  I've had the Hefeweizen and the Porter.  Both are tasty and the art on the bottles and six pack carrier is lovely.

 Avoid this shitty beer at all costs unless you like over carbonated pisswater that tastes like grapefruit.  It's fucking awful.

 I finally went to a Trader Joe's and I discovered the joy of their private label beers, well at lest this one anyway.  It's a good steady beer with great taste and a great finish.  I'll be buying more of this soon.

Dreaming Cow?  More like a fucking bovine's nightmare.  This is some shitty watery tasting yogurt.  The flavors are weak and it's way over priced.  Avoid.  Avoid. Avoid.

Ack, I almost forgot to post today

Why do you support the 'Turn Away the Gays' bill in Arizona?

 "I support it because I look horrible in flannel, I can't play softball, and I like penises."

 "I support it because Jesus told me to.  He also told me to murder my family and to dance naked over their bloody corpses, in other words, he hasn't steered me wrong yet."

 "I support it, yes I do.  I support it, how 'bout you?"

 "I'm in favor of it because my minister told me that if I make a cake for a gay wedding then I will turn gay too.  And then where would I be?  I'd have to start buying nicer clothes, working out, and auditioning for community theater musicals.  So fuck that shit."

 "I support it because some guy at the gloryhole told me it was okay to do so."  

 "Because of what Alec Baldwin said and because it pisses off that piece of shit Perez Hilton."

"Horses are pretty."

The stupid, it burns

A deeply closeted Washington lobbyist has drafted a bill that would ban gay men from playing in the NFL.  No, really.

The dude is concerned that all the NFL players are going to turn gay if they have to shower with a gay dude.  Think about that, one out gay man on an NFL team is going to turn his whole team into cock gobbling maniacs who then forget all about how to play football and only concentrate on getting more cock and sweet sweet hairy man ass, which in turn will turn Sunday afternoons, Monday, and Thursday nights into massive gay sex orgies.

That gay agenda, it's pretty fucking powerful.

For years they stereotyped gay men as limp wristed mincing guys who dressed in drag and spoke in falsetto voices.  They assured us that gay dudes weren't 'man' enough to play football, much less NFL football.  So now that Michael Sam is out of the closet and will probably get drafted, they want to make it so gay dudes can't play football, not even NFL football.  And remember, the NFL takes all kinds of wife beaters, murderers, liars, gamblers, drug addicts, and Christians.  So adding a gay player to the mix is just intolerable I guess.  Never mind the fact that gay guys have played in the NFL since it's inception, they just weren't out about it.

Honestly, how deep is their hatred for gay men in this country?  What new law or rule can they pass to ostracize them?  Is there no humiliation that they won't try to foist on them?  This lobbyist and all the virulently anti gay Christians need to just accept who they are and come out of the closet, they'd be much happier if they did.

The Monkey Muck Guide to Caring for Your Baby

Always choose babies that have a good head to body ratio and that weigh less than 10 pounds.  Fatter babies will eat you out of house and home and large headed babies may be evil geniuses in their infancy.

 Yes, it's fun to poke babies in the eye but their tender eye sockets may not be able to take too much of it, so keep those pokes to a minimum, unless their reaction to being poked is really funny.

Be careful about what liquids you squeeze into a baby's rectum.  Orange juice, for example may be a bit too acidic, so stick with things like maple syrup or chocolate sauce.

Some babies can and will attack you.  Be on your guard and don't be afraid to bite them to make them stop their bloodthirsty attacks if you have to.

Babies can and will give the 'evil eye' that will cause your crops to wither and die or your mule to develop a gimpy leg.  It's best to keep babies blindfolded until they begin walking.

 Babies are huge fans of flavored milk, so be sure to eat lots of foods with strong flavors.

Delinquent children make great baby sitters, as do troubled loners, disaffected drifters, and diseased carnies.  Avoid teenage girls due to their high cootie infestation, same thing with those with degrees in English and Christian studies.

Babies can and will nibble on themselves.  They may even eat a whole appendage before you can stop them.  Don't worry though, they'll grow those appendages back, just like they do when they lose their baby teeth.