What are today's active senior citizens up to?

Today's senior citizens don't just smell like stale piss, vote Republican, eat supper at 4:30 in the afternoon, and shout at neighborhood kids.  No, they're doing much more than that with their healthier longer more active lives.

Some seniors enjoy filling cakes with laxatives and giving them to friends on their birthdays.  Others love knit and crochet condoms and g strings for their sexually active buddies.

 It true the world over, seniors love to make lists.

Travel and tourism is a big hit among today's seniors.  This enterprising fellow sold a big tour package to seniors in his town without telling them that he'd cut the brake lines on the bus that was supposed to take them to Branson, MO and after it crashed, he traveled to Mexico with all that cash he made and now he lives on the beach with a large breasted 20 year old Mexican woman who doesn't mind his constant farting and pernicious old man smell.

Seniors like to wear hats when kidnapping disobedient children, masks too.  They also like to leave their prosthetic limbs laying around on buses, at churches, and in libraries, so watch out!

And finally some senior citizens love to play practical jokes in their golden years.  This old gal loves to fill dolls with anthrax, STD's, or heroin before giving them to sick children.  When those kids get hopped up on 'H' and then get VD, their terminal cancer is the least of their worries!  Hilarity.

So, as you can see, today's old folks are keeping busy while the rest of us pine for the good old days when people didn't live so god damn long.

It's time to...

The Gerwe's would like to make friends with people who like to attend drive in movies and who square dance.

Cornelia would like to meet rich single men and incapacitate them for fun, profit, and the occasional belly laugh.

Mr. Tyrrele would like to meet a special lady who shares his love of nature and drinking MD 20/20 that has been strained through his dirty underwear.

Grace wants to meet someone she can eat loads of poodle meat and deny evolution with.

Mr. deVeer Ranoch is interested in finding people who can give his Nigerian friends some money so that they can access a much larger fortune that is being tied up by banks in their home country.

Mrs. Henry Staedt would like to meet a football fans who will attend Packers games with her and who will help her pelt damn dirty hippies and socialists with small rocks and shards of glass.

Mrs. Sharp would love to meet someone who will help her remember where she left her bottle of Ranch dressing.

(All these names and addresses came out of the April 1957 edition of the Journal of Lifetime Living, which was a magazine for senior citizens.)

A paler shade of ecru

I've been watching the Republican convention in small doses. I have to keep it in small doses because if I watch too much then their lying lies will make my blood pressure rise too much and I might have another heart attack.

********

I missed the entire first night because I could not find my "American hat." I asked Sparky where our "American hats" were and she said that they were still in a container ship that was docked in a port in LA. It seems that there weren't enough inspectors to check that ship for terrorists because they had to lay off all the inspectors so we could keep funding the occupation of Iraq. So our made in China "American hats" are a continent away.

********

I missed the entire second night because of I'm sick of seeing old white guys blabber on and on. The reason I'm sick of seeing old white dudes blabber on is because I spend too much time in front of a mirror practicing my elocution lessons. In my defense though, I'm trying to learn how to talk without a Southern accent so that if I ever move back to the Midwest I'll sound normal to those people up there. (I'm just kidding, I'd never move back to the Midwest, it's too damn cold there.)

********

So that leaves last night and I'll admit I tuned into to try to catch Gov. Caribou Barbie (Thanks Bubs!). In the lead up to her speech I saw Gov. Gomer Huckabee speak a bit.And he was cracking "joke" after "joke." He also said he was sick of hearing the Democrats saying that Gov. Barbie had no experience and I thought to myself, "Well, that's because they're right. She has no experience to be Vice President, much less be the President." Then he nattered on about how she had "executive experience," which I'm guessing she got from being Governor of the least populous state in the union. As he touted her "executive experience" to a hall full of enraptured, though not yet raptured, white people, my mind floated back to the last person who was President who had a whole lot of "executive experience:"That didn't work out too good for us as a nation. He had plenty of "executive experience" and he stuck us with a ballooning deficit, a quagmire in Iraq, the hatred of our allies, he ruled by division and by fearmongering, he spied on us, and he squandered the biggest federal surplus in recent history. Oh yeah, he also made our lives less safe so that he could kill Saddam Hussein and take Iraq's oil. Ummm, Gov. Gomer, please tell your Republican brethren that this nation can't stand any more of your party's "executive experience." It was a disaster the first time and it looks like Gov. Palin has even less "executive experience" than Bush Jr. did at the time he was appointed President by the Supreme Court in 2000.

Tomorrow night they'll nominate the oldest man ever to be nominated by a major party in this country's history:And his choice to be his second in command is a woman so clearly unfit and un-American that she is a virtual laughingstock everywhere but the hall where they're having the RNC. His cynical pandering choice of a Vice President shows just how old and out of touch he is.

But don't get me wrong, I don't hold a grudge against all older people. There are plenty I admire and look up to. I love Teddy Kennedy, Sparky's mom and dad, and this gal:

Hubba, hubba.