Helpful first aid tips

To make your toddler's boner go down, tap him on the back gently while singing Methodist hymns.

Use plenty of tongue when giving mouth to mouth in West Virginia, it's the polite thing to do.

If someone is choking on a food you like, try to suck that food out of their mouth.

Wash your eyes out after reading this stupid post.  No, seriously, go wash them.  And get some therapy too.  

First aid or torture?

First aid illustrations always look sinister to me.  They look like someone is torturing someone else.

First Aid Do's and Don'ts

 Don't listen to doctors tell you you're not qualified to administer first aid.  They want to keep you from saving lives because they're afraid that if you do then they'll lose money and prestige.

 Do make sure a woman is not just doing yoga or some other form of stretching before you stuff a cork the size of Rhode Island in her bunghole because you assume she's going to launch a thermonuclear fart in your general direction.

 Don't be afraid to have several alcoholic drinks before attempting first aid, you need to be loose and uninhibited during times of stress.

 Do make sure your first aid kit is fully stocked with lunch meat, a couple of doobies, and a packet of Tic Tacs before you leave the house.  

Don't be afraid to beat up any snotty nosed punk ass kids who try to tell you you're administering first aid wrong and that they know more about it than you do because they read some fancy ass book or took some shitty stupid life saving course.  Honestly, most kids need a good ass whoopin' anyway, so once you've saved whoever needed first aid, feel free to administer some much needed spankings to any brats in your vicinity.

 Do be wary of anyone who claims that the best first aid you can offer them is oral sex, unless that person is Jennifer Lawrence, Salma Hayek, Emilia Clarke, or Karla Crome.  

 Don't hesitate to poke people lying on the ground, you have to make sure they're not just drunk or lying in wait to ambush you.  Safety first.

Do bite ungrateful people to whom you've just administered first aid if they forget to thank you for your selfless act.  Bite hard enough to draw blood to show them you mean business and that you're not going to take any of their shit.