Safety first!

Be vigilant America, threats are everywhere.

Sarah Palin responds to all the critics of her rambling incoherent speech from this past weekend

Oh, hey, don't ya know it?  The lie-brul hate America first latte sipping drunk driving three martini nattering nabobs crowd is after me again.  But hey, at least Trip didn't eat that dog or maker a belt out of him.  So take that PETA.  Yeah and you Mr. New York Times what with your fancy grammar and big words that people in fly over states like me, like us real Americans, because you know, the real America is where ever they worship Jesus and eat meat that they grew in a butcher shop where government didn't get in your way, where the grass smells sweet and there ain't hippies and their Jewish blood libel, and while I'm at it, gosh darn it, I'm not ashamed to say I support Israel and I will right up until the day Jesus comes back to smite them for not accepting Jesus in their hearts and minds.  Also, yeah, I love guns too.  And that Michael Moore, he better not come sniffing around Bristol or any of my other kids because Jesus reminds us that in all things we better be moderate until we see the white of their eyes and then he who is without a sin gets to fire the first shot and by golly, that had better be me.  So there!

Let's hear from the tea party

"John McCain said we won the Iraqi war.  Do we get some kind of prize other than a huge national debt, dead soldiers, and thousands of wounded vets?"

"Your dead kids don't trump my Constitutional right to the pear suit of happiness!"

"I don't care what that bitch Michelle Bachmann Obama says, if I want to feed my kids Cheetos and beer, I'll do it.  I don't need big government telling me what to do."

"This bullshit about us catching a Benghazi terrorist is bullshit.  It's a ploy to make Obama look good.  You never saw Bush stooping to that kind of shit.  Bush never went after Bin Laden after 9/11, he went after Saddam and by God, he got him."

"Me?  Go back to Iraq and fight them militants because Obama fucked it all up when he invaded them in 2003 to make us all forget about how he mishandled Katrina and Benghazi?  Oh hell to the no, I won't go.  Send Eric Cantor, I hear that Jew boy needs a job."

"When do I get my free health care?  Before or after I get gay married to a Muslim Mexican?"

What are today's active senior citizens up to?

Today's senior citizens don't just smell like stale piss, vote Republican, eat supper at 4:30 in the afternoon, and shout at neighborhood kids.  No, they're doing much more than that with their healthier longer more active lives.

Some seniors enjoy filling cakes with laxatives and giving them to friends on their birthdays.  Others love knit and crochet condoms and g strings for their sexually active buddies.

 It true the world over, seniors love to make lists.

Travel and tourism is a big hit among today's seniors.  This enterprising fellow sold a big tour package to seniors in his town without telling them that he'd cut the brake lines on the bus that was supposed to take them to Branson, MO and after it crashed, he traveled to Mexico with all that cash he made and now he lives on the beach with a large breasted 20 year old Mexican woman who doesn't mind his constant farting and pernicious old man smell.

Seniors like to wear hats when kidnapping disobedient children, masks too.  They also like to leave their prosthetic limbs laying around on buses, at churches, and in libraries, so watch out!

And finally some senior citizens love to play practical jokes in their golden years.  This old gal loves to fill dolls with anthrax, STD's, or heroin before giving them to sick children.  When those kids get hopped up on 'H' and then get VD, their terminal cancer is the least of their worries!  Hilarity.

So, as you can see, today's old folks are keeping busy while the rest of us pine for the good old days when people didn't live so god damn long.

Have at it

Rep. Steve Stockman says he's jail anyone who publishes his mughsot from the 1970's.  He's under the impression that he can do this because he wasn't convicted of the crime for which he got arrested.  Well, Mr. Stockman, I encourage you to come after me and try to have me arrested.

Sober white people weigh in on the world's problems

 "Whoa, hang on a minute, nobody told me that being sober was a requirement to be in this post."

 "Nobody told me either, I've been out drinking with Toronto mayor Rob Ford."

 "I'm shitfaced too."

 "Fuck the world, gimme another drink."

 "Hell, I haven't been sober since the Ford administration."

 "The only problem I see in the world is my highball glass is fucking empty.  Someone get me a drink now."

"I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be in this post, seeing as how I'm not white or drunk."

 "I'm so drunk I don't give a shit.  Hey, dare me to bite my finger off?  Do you?  Well fuck that.  I'll fucking do it."

"Boom.  Told you I would.  I bit that bitch right off.  Now gimme some more grain alcohol."

And now here's a word or two from the god of the Christians

Look, it's not my fault I let that mass shooting go down in Connecticut yesterday.  Really it's not.  Just because I created the world and everything in it, and yes I created puppies, waterfalls, sunshine, HIV/AIDS, childhood cancer, fat smelly asses, pedophile priests, pollution, Fox News, ponies, and everything else, doesn't mean it's my fault.  I created you humans who created guns and bullets, I never dreamed you idiots would put the two of them together so quickly.  I gifted the beings on Platzorp 5 with the same knowledge but after the first time someone got killed by a gun they decided not to use guns and bullets.

But you know what?  I fucking told you people time and time again to praise me more often, so if you had been praising me more you'd have less time to shoot and kill little innocent kids.  So really, this mass shooting is on you.  It's your fault.  You didn't praise me enough.  I wanted more burnt offerings of animals and what did you give me?  The motherfucking Kardashians, Survivor, and Lindsay Lohan as Liz fucking Taylor in a Lifetime movie.  Do you not see now why I had to turn a blind eye to your children.

And another reason this tragedy in Connecticut went down was maybe I was busy answering the prayers of Christians who I actually like.  Maybe I was distracted when I was telling Pat Robertson all kinds of whacked out shit.  Hey, it's not like I'm a great multitasker after all, sure I created everything and I've been around forever and I write the songs that make the young girls sing but you know what?  I did all that shit but I've never been to me.  This 'deity' gig is hard sometimes.  So please, shut up, this is hard.  If you think it's not, then you try it.  Oh wait you can't because you're not me and I'm infallible.

My ways are mysterious, so fuck you.  Get off my back.