People speak out on SuperTuesday results

"I'm a gnome, bastards won't let me vote. Fuck 'em.'

"I voted for Trump because he cares about the rights of the undead. And most of supporters have one foot in the grave anyway." 

"Stop objectifying me.'

"I wrote in Angela Davis because I'm a socialist. Now go do something good for your community, the only real change comes from the bottom up, not the top down."

"I'm looking chicks who like small dicks, you know, like Trump has."

"Woof."

"Take me Dr. Monkey, you hairy handsome brute."

 

Trump or DeSantis?

"We like Ike."

"Both make my vagina dry up."

"Spiderman!"

"Look, I need to pee so I guess Joe Biden."

"We've decided to back whoever isn't a fascist, so neither. Also we hear Dr. Jeff Schoondyke attacked Dr. Monkey and got away with it. He's an angry closeted bully who brutally attacked our friend and karma will come back to bite him"

"I love to vote against my self intrest so I'm going to vote for whoever scares me most with their wildest conspiracy theories."

 

Eight Karens explain why they believe Trump's election lies

"Trump is God's chosen candidate and God don't play games, he'll fuck you right up if you disobey him, just like my husband."

"Jewish space lasers."

"What about Herbert Hoover's lies? Why doesn't the liberal media talk about that?"

"Is it pudding time yet?"

"WHY AM I NOT A CELEBRITY ANYMORE? I'M STUCK WITH ALL THESE KIDS AND NO LIMELIGHT FOR THEM. I DEMAND TO SEE THE MANAGER!"

"He won't let Negroes take my gun and let them use it to gay marry Mexican Muslim immigrants."

"Trump cut my taxes and he hates unions like I do."

"He's not lying, you're lying. Now leave me alone I need to report on the activities of black people."

 

Rand Paul Presents More Science Experiments for Young Conservatives

 Hi kids! Rand Paul here, I'm a board certified doctor of something, never you mind that the board is made up of me, my wife, and some toothless homeless guy who gives me blowjobs for not calling the cops on him for vagrancy. So you can be sure I know science, not like that smarty pants Dr. Fauci. 

Ready for some fun science for conservatives? Here we go!

Hook up a wire to a battery and use that wire to give a girl an electric shock. When she complains, tell her girls aren't fit to be scientists and that she is a crybaby femi-Nazi.

Poop in a liberal tree huggers tent when you go camping. See how long it takes for flies to gather and then if they ask you who pooped in their tent, blame the liberal media.

Push someone you don't know in front of a moving car. See what happens. If a policeman catches them in time or stops the car, tell the policeman that blue lives matter and that Negro hippies want to kill  him and rape his wife.

Go to a beach when it is really hot. Deny global warming is a 

thing. Watch out for Jewish space lasers though, Dr. Fauci controls them and he hates anybody who denies climate change is a Chinese hoax.

If you see a girl doing science remind her that Jesus gave men dominion over women and you take credit for any scientific breakthrough she made.

Nurse rabid animals so you can let them loose in a gay Communist party Boy Scout meeting. Don't get bit by the animal or you might get rabies and start voting for Democrats.

Stick a magnet in water and see how long it takes for the water to rust the magnet. Leave it to rust and then go to a pro Trump insurrection rally and call everyone not there a traitor.

Learn how to obtain horse semen so you can mix it in cakes and things to feed Black Lives Matter rioters. Watch them and giggle as they eat horse jizz. Then wait to see how they react after you tell them that ate horse sperm. 

That's all for now kids, I've got to go make sure no one but big business gets government money. Have fun and keep on doing conservative science.

Interview with Trump

 (All answers are actual Trump quotes.)

You said you could shoot someone dead and get away with it.

"No matter what you do - guns, no guns - it doesn't matter. You have people that are mentally ill. And they're gonna come through the cracks. And they're going to do things that people will not even believe are possible."

What's up with all your lies that the election was stolen?

"Our country is in serious trouble. We don't have victories any more. We used to have victories but [now] we don't have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China, in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time."

Childhood discipline, where do you stand?

"When you see the other side chopping off heads, waterboarding doesn't sound very severe."

Tell me something demented about yourself.

"To be blunt, people would vote for me. They just would. Why? Maybe because I'm so good looking."

Who is your favorite Middle Eastern dictator?

"If you look at Saddam Hussein, he killed terrorists. I'm not saying he was an angel, but this guy killed terrorists."

How do you feel about Eric, your son?

"I never attacked him on his looks, and believe me, there's plenty of subject matter right there."

What have you nicknamed your tiny ball sack?

"I look very much forward to showing my financials, because they are huge."

Jesus, who you claim to believe in and even worship, laid hands on people, how do you feel about things like shaking hands? If Jesus thought it was okay, then how do you stand on it?

"The concept of shaking hands is absolutely terrible, and statistically I've been proven right."

Respond to the rumor that you're a closeted gay man like your dead fascist Red baiting AIDS riddled buddy Roy Cohn.

"All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected."

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt...

"She does have a very nice figure... If [Ivanka] weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her."

You're making me physically ill. You are a boorish pig fucking thin skinned idiot. I can't stand being around you anymore.

“You’re disgusting.”

You sound like my cousin John who probably voted for you.

"There are those that say they have never seen the Queen have a better time, a more animated time."

So you just called my cousin gay.

"I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. I've been challenged by so many people and I don't, frankly, have time for total political correctness."

I'm leaving you now. Go crawl back under your rock in Mar-a-Lago. Or better yet go swimming with hungry alligators. You are a piece of shit human.

What other things has Nicki Manaj's cousin's friend said?

 

"He said Trump won the election in 2020 but the aliens on Blector 3 have brainwashed us all in to thinking Biden won because he supports the nerve stapling of Ass-o-tonium miners on Blector 3."

"He said I  looked like I was hurtin' for a squirtin' and you know what?  He's not wrong.  I need a good ride on a stiff dick."

"He said my name sounded funny.  So I had him horsewhipped like he was a Haitian immigrant seeking help. Praise Jesus!"

"He said Trinidad rocks but Tobago is shit."

"He said his testicles would swell up if I didn't give him a hand job.  So I prayed about it, and he was right.  His nuts are so big now that he has to ferry them about in a wheelbarrow.  As if I would touch a Negro, much less a Negro's penis."