Welcome to the First Church of Huckabee

Hey there white Republican Christian! How you doing? 

Looking for a new church?  A place to worship with the right kind of people?  A Euro Jesus centric place to get your religious groove on?  Well, we've got just the place for you!  Welcome to the First Church of Huckabee!

I'm Rev. Mike Huckabee, come on in have a look around.  I'll be your heavenly guide.  But before we begin, I'll need to see your W2's from the past five years, we just have to make sure you're solvent enough to support the kind of work and mission we have here.  What?  You don't have them on you?  That's okay, you can email to me later, you look like the sort of sheep we want.

Don't be shy, if you have any questions, ask away.  But first, did you hear that sound?

Some of our choir ladies did!  And they know what it is, that sweet musical sound means Brother Lindsey is playing with his organ again!

He's devoted to this church and to his organ.  Sometimes he plays with his organ all day and night.  During the summer when we have Vacation Bible School going on he lets the kids chase him around the church and they always catch him by the organ.  

Take a look at our congregation.  It's as purely white as you can get.  It's not that we don't want black folks or Mexicans or people like that in our church, they're welcome to come and clean our lovely church and or to mow our lawns.  But just like we know that Jesus was really white, we know he wants our church membership to remain white.  There's no law that says we can't discriminate in order to maintain racial purity.

Speaking of racial purity, Brother Von Spetzel has a final solution for the unbaptized.  He offers them a choice between a holy shower or a bath, either way it's a gas!

Hey, I want to remind you to email me those W2's later, don't forget okay?  This building ain't cheap to maintain, and all this bling costs some serious coin.  

Oh look, Brother Disney is touching the kids again!

What?  Why that face?  He's anointing them with his holy oil.  Look, no matter what you may have heard, Brother Disney wasn't convicted of anything and he was just a passing acquaintance of child raper Subway Jared.  We believe strongly in a ministry to children here at First Church of Huckabee.  We like to get to kids early and to mold them into the kind of believers we think they need to be, Jesus loving, second amendment defending, prosperity gospel spouting, fat, slut, and poor people shaming, anti gay, anti birth control, and strongly pro life until that fetus gets born then that baby had better start earning it's keep.  We've found passages in the Bible to back up all our positions, so we're Biblically correct, don't you worry about that. 

I see you look kind of worried and I think I know what you're worried about.  So let me put your mind to rest.  Yes, we are pro Israel and we support anything Israel does because we're still full of guilt for not doing a damn thing to help Jews during the Holocaust.  And Jews are welcome in our church, but only if they accept Jesus and hate immigrants, Muslims, and gays as much as we do.  

Hey where you going?  Come back, I'm not done with the tour yet!  Well, okay then, go, but don't forget those W2's!  Okay?  

Let it go before it kills you

There is one group of people who will always hate Michael Vick and who will never stop vilifying him no matter what he does and that group of people is made up of primarily white women.  Not all white women are in that group but the group is made up of mainly white women.

Never mind the fact that Vick admitted his guilt, took his punishment, did his time in federal prison, paid his fines, and to this day donates time and money to animal welfare organizations.  It's still not good enough for the white gals who hate him.  They cling to their hatred of him like it's a precious thing that's not to be let go of no matter what.  They use any and every opportunity no matter who slight or small to remind you that they hate Vick.  And they get indignant when you don't join them in their hatred, they look at you like you're some kind of animal cruelty enabler who is just waiting for them to turn their heads so you can kick a dog, stage a cockfight, or skin a cat.

The sad thing about all this is that it's no longer really about Michael Vick and his role in staging dog fights.  It's not about his cruelty to animals which he's paid dearly for and for which he is still making amends for.  Nope.  What it's about it how some people cling to hate and nurture it like it's a seedling that will grow up one day and finally give Vick his just and true punishment, whatever that is.  I had one white woman admit to me on Facebook that in her eyes there was no punishment that would ever be enough for her, she wanted to see Vick suffer for all of eternity for what he did.  Another demanded I give her proof  of what Vick is doing to help animals now and this is a direct quote, "And please don't give me a link to explain."  So what she wanted was proof but not proof she actually had to go and read for herself because dang it, all that reading would take away from her precious Vick hate time.

Dog fighting is horrible.  Animal abuse is horrible.  I deplore it.  I am a dog person, I don't hate cats, I just can't have one because their dander dries my eyes out and makes me miserable.  So I like dogs.  They're loyal, they love you unconditionally, and you can blame them for the fart smells.  I hated what Vick and his pals did.  I hate anyone who stages and profits off of dog fights and now it's a federal crime to attend a dog fight, which is a good thing to come from the Vick case, so I'm not in any way condoning what Vick did.  Period.  What I am saying is Vick did the crime, he did the time.  He paid the fine and he's walking the line.  For anyone to still hate him and want to deny him a second or third chance at life is shitty, petty, and hateful.  It's not about your love of animals, it's about your hatred of a man, and yes, in some cases it's because he's black.

If you happen to read this blog and you're one of those people who will never let your hated of Michael Vick go, then please stop reading this blog right away and don't bother commenting because your hateful comments won't ever see the light of day.

Sorry y'all

I am so sorry y'all.  I should have never gotten up at the Video Music Awards, by the way, anyone know what a music video is, if y'all do then let me know, and danced like I did.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I, a twenty year old woman, had no business slut prancin' like I did.  After all, who the hell am I to whore myself out like that?  I should just stick to letting my daddy and the Disney corporation whore me out, they know better because they've got a penis and I don't.  Well, I don't have one right now but I can get me some if I want...

Aw fuck it, I'm just fucking with y'all.  Fuck you if you didn't like my performance.  Fuck you if you want me to be a professional virgin.  Fuck you if you hold me up as a role model for your daughters, seriously, if I'm their role model, then you done fucked them up more than me gettin' nasty on stage ever will.

I'm a performer, I perform.  If you don't like it, that shit's on you.  If you find it offensive, then don't fucking look.  If you get pissed off at me for not living up to your expectations of me, that's your problem.  I got to make money while I can.  The public is fickle and I got to stay in the limelight while I'm still hot.  And if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass.  I never heard you all bitchin' when Mick Jagger thrust his dick at everybody all those times onstage, so y'all can quit bitchin' about me now.