Thursday, October 22, 2015

Welcome to the First Church of Huckabee

Hey there white Republican Christian! How you doing? 
Looking for a new church?  A place to worship with the right kind of people?  A Euro Jesus centric place to get your religious groove on?  Well, we've got just the place for you!  Welcome to the First Church of Huckabee!

I'm Rev. Mike Huckabee, come on in have a look around.  I'll be your heavenly guide.  But before we begin, I'll need to see your W2's from the past five years, we just have to make sure you're solvent enough to support the kind of work and mission we have here.  What?  You don't have them on you?  That's okay, you can email to me later, you look like the sort of sheep we want.

Don't be shy, if you have any questions, ask away.  But first, did you hear that sound?

Some of our choir ladies did!  And they know what it is, that sweet musical sound means Brother Lindsey is playing with his organ again!

He's devoted to this church and to his organ.  Sometimes he plays with his organ all day and night.  During the summer when we have Vacation Bible School going on he lets the kids chase him around the church and they always catch him by the organ.  

Take a look at our congregation.  It's as purely white as you can get.  It's not that we don't want black folks or Mexicans or people like that in our church, they're welcome to come and clean our lovely church and or to mow our lawns.  But just like we know that Jesus was really white, we know he wants our church membership to remain white.  There's no law that says we can't discriminate in order to maintain racial purity.

Speaking of racial purity, Brother Von Spetzel has a final solution for the unbaptized.  He offers them a choice between a holy shower or a bath, either way it's a gas!

Hey, I want to remind you to email me those W2's later, don't forget okay?  This building ain't cheap to maintain, and all this bling costs some serious coin.  

Oh look, Brother Disney is touching the kids again!
What?  Why that face?  He's anointing them with his holy oil.  Look, no matter what you may have heard, Brother Disney wasn't convicted of anything and he was just a passing acquaintance of child raper Subway Jared.  We believe strongly in a ministry to children here at First Church of Huckabee.  We like to get to kids early and to mold them into the kind of believers we think they need to be, Jesus loving, second amendment defending, prosperity gospel spouting, fat, slut, and poor people shaming, anti gay, anti birth control, and strongly pro life until that fetus gets born then that baby had better start earning it's keep.  We've found passages in the Bible to back up all our positions, so we're Biblically correct, don't you worry about that. 

I see you look kind of worried and I think I know what you're worried about.  So let me put your mind to rest.  Yes, we are pro Israel and we support anything Israel does because we're still full of guilt for not doing a damn thing to help Jews during the Holocaust.  And Jews are welcome in our church, but only if they accept Jesus and hate immigrants, Muslims, and gays as much as we do.  

Hey where you going?  Come back, I'm not done with the tour yet!  Well, okay then, go, but don't forget those W2's!  Okay?  

1 comment:

Who you callin' housewife? said...

A fine piece of work here Dr. Monkey. I'm hearing the drumbeats of righteousness now. My pearls are firmly clutched.