Watch out for that mud they're all slinging at me!

Well, well, well, it looks like a couple of ne'er do wells and nincompoops have joined with Dr. Zaius in the the race to prevent me from saving this great country. Not only have two additional rivals popped up to run against me, they've learned from their pal Dr. Zaius how to sling mud at me as well.

I'd formally welcome Sleestak and Dr. Smith into the race but both of them have begun their campaigns on such a negative note that I am forced to respond to their and to their intellectual leader Dr. Zaius's insane amount of mudslinging.

First off I must address the foul lies Zaius has spun from his lair of deceit. He claims that I have invented some sort of mind control fez and that if elected I will require all Americans to wear one. Nothing could be further from the truth! The fezzes I have invented are merely for relaxation and they will in no way be used to control your minds. Here are a couple of supporters of mine who have been wearing the fezzes for quite some time now:

"Must shop lift, must sell stolen property, must give ill gotten money to Monkerstein campaign." "Must grow beard and hair even longer and then cut it off to give to Monkerstein to cover his bald spots. Monkerstein must look virile and hairy or else women will not vote for him."

You see there? These fellow's minds are not being "controlled." They willingly do those things for me and my campaign because they love me. So stop telling your lies Zaius and apologize to me at once! Oh yeah, and pay me for all that damage you did to that safe house of mine or you shall be hearing from my lawyers post haste!

While I'm on the subject of mind control, don't forget that Dr. Zaius is the one who will give all Americans lobotomies. This is his vision of what he wants all of you to look like after he's done with his "operations:"

Now as to the lies of interdimensional dwelling, bleating green thingy that some of you know as Sleestak. You sir are an abomination! Your slime is well known and has been well known since the day that Sleestak propaganda machine known as Land of the Lost hit the airwaves! All Americans know that you and your kind are nothing but trouble for all of mankind, not just the lovely virginal Hayley Mills (Special shout out to Hayley: hang tight girl, we're doing our best to rescue you!).

What's that Mr. and Mrs. America you want more proof that Sleestak is pure evil? Well here you go:

You can see he hates not only puppies (which I love by the way!), humans, Hayley Mills, but also this neanderthal throwback named Chaka! Worse still, Sleestak works for the most evil company known to man, Wal-Mart!
"Welcome to Wal-Mart! How can Sleestak help this multi national corporation rob you of more of your money and dignity?"

You disgust me sir, as you do all good progressive Americans! As soon as I figure out a way to send you back to your old dimenson then you've had it you booger eating multi national corporation Republican loving lizard you!


And finally we turn to Dr. Smith. That's right America you heard me right, Dr. Smith. Yes, that Dr. Smith, of Lost in Space fame.


It looks like ol' Dr. Smith found his way back to earth but where are the Robinsons? And that other guy and that hot blonde chick and that robot? I'll tell you where they are, they are still lost in space! Smith found his way home but somehow he managed to make sure the rest of his party did not.

So here is, back and he's running for President and he's managed to hoodwink Marcia Brady into becoming his running mate.

I'm not going to say that he met Marcia on some twisted episode of To Catch a Time Travelling Predator, but that's exactly where he met the poor deluded thing! I swear Smith if you lay one hand on her golden head then you shall have hell to pay!

Smith has gathered around him some of the most evil and dastardly right wing henchmen. Here he is with Guiliani advisor Shecky Applebaum and the guy who played Grandpa Munster.

Now as to the Smith smear that I appeared in a mime porn movie, I will have you know sir that that film which you call 'porn' was actually a highly regarded award winning French film called Bang the Mine Slowly. It was an art film sir, an art film and I stand behind my performance in it as well as standing behind my fellow castmates!So let's review a bit here shall we?

Dr. Zaius will give all of you lobotomies if elected and then he'll destroy America.

Nurse Gregarious seen here prepping one of Dr. Zaius's paitents.

A Sleestak victory will mean four more years of the failed policies of Bush/Cheney.

"Mah lil buddy Sleestak, where would Ah be with out him?"

A Smith victory would mean we would all be subjected to the foul odor of Dr. Smiths farts!

"I love smelling my own farts!! And you'll love them too!"

Now, if you all will excuse me my lovely running mate and I must be off to a little private candle lit dinner so that we can discuss strategy.