The Biggest Whore in Hollywood

We have long felt that Kiefer Sutherland was the biggest whore in Hollywood. Mr. Sutherland makes the talk show rounds and claims that he is against torture and that he is really a progressive, and yet he continues to rake in a huge salary for starring in the FOX show 24 year after year.

We invited Kiefer in to give his side of the story.

Okay, first off thanks for giving me a chance to respond to your accusations. Yo Monkey dude, I am not a whore. I'm a cool dude, why just look at me on the cover of Rolling Stone. How cool is that? How man times you been on the cover of the Rolling Stone?

Just because I do a show that is produced by a right wing Rush Limbaugh lovin' guy who supports Bush's war of terror wholeheartedly, that does not make me a whore. I'm against torture remember?

And you know what Monkey? It's no crime to be on a TV show. This is a capitalist country, granted it's also a country that I was not born in but it's one I will exploit for my personal gain. It's not my fault that I give right winger guys hard ons when I do stuff like this:

And you know what else? It's not my fault that people like Ann Coulter, Laura Inghram, and Sean Hannity get wet panties when they see me like this:

I'm just an actor doing a TV show. Yeah I know it's a hugely popular TV show and all of it's previous seasons are in reruns on various channels and on DVDs that are available for rent or purchase. No way a TV show can influence public policy or influence the way people think or what they do. I came out and said I was personally against torture, so what more do you want?

Just because some woman did shit like this in prisons in Iraq, it's not my fault. No way no how.

And I am in no way responsible for this type of shit or for people thinking that this type of shit is okay. I keep telling you that what I do is just a TV show.

I'm really a stand up guy Monkey dude. The cool kids dig me because I'm all dark and edgy. And because I have a band that I made a film about and my film about my cool ass band was on Vh1, how much cooler can you get than that?

So dude, as you can see, anyone who has been on the cover of the Rolling Stone, who is on a popular TV show, and who has a cool ass band that a movie was made about is not a whore. Seriously, I'm not a whore. I show up at my job, do my work, make my money, and I support the non torture of people. You just ignore all those West Point cadets who say that torture is ok becasue they see me do it on TV. And you just ignore that anti immigration ass from Colorado who says he thinks torture is cool since he sees me do it on 24. And you just keep on watching my show on FOX and keep buying our DVDs so I can keep making money.

And hopefully, one of these days I'll actually believe what I'm saying and then maybe I'll sleep better at night, that is when I,m not touring with the bestest band ever!