And now a message from the President of the United States of America

My fellow Americans I come before you tonight with some very troubling news. It seems that traitors and Nancy boys have infiltrated our military. Before this got too out of hand, I instructed this nation's new War Czars to come up with a plan to combat this insidious plot both here and abroad.

They done that job real quick and they got back to me with the following recommendations:

First thing we will do is to bring them dissident troops home and then when they get back here, we ship them back to Eye-rack. They'll be so disorientated they won't have time to be all hatin' on my war and stuff.

B, we will get all our Middle East intelligence from the Israelis now. They are, after all America,

God's chosen people and that means they can't tell us a lie or get anything wrong.

With that base covered, our three thing will be we will send in more troops to secure Baghdad. They will be led by a team of stone cold killin' machines. But you might remember them from their big hit back in the 1990's Mmm Bop. That's right America, I'm sending in the Hanson brothers to lead the next surge.

Finally, America we will be using methods of spying on traitors here in America that were pioneered by the Department of Homeland Security of Alabama.

Anyone who buys the ingredients to make hummus,

or who buys couscous,

or who buys too much lamb will be placed on a watchlist and monitored.




I know that there are groups of people out there who will not mind these drastic measures and who support anything I do, and to those groups, I say "Thanks."

And the fifthly thing we will be doing is to crank up our super patriot breeding program. The first pair of patriots have been chosen and they will commence to breedin' soon.
All children born to the couple in our super patriot breeding program will be sent to Eye-rack to kill evildoers.

That is all I have to say right now America, except that I am hungry and would like some pork rinds and maybe a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Good night and happy Memorial Day.