Keepin' it real

It's time for another round of my opinions and takes on the reality shows I watch.

Top Chef:

This hasn't been a stellar season in Washington DC. And I hate most of the remaining chefs, except for this one:
(sigh) I hope my girl Tiffany goes all the way because she's the real deal, the total package, the gal who put the hot in 'If you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen.' She gorgeous, has a great laugh, can cook the lights out, and did I mention she's hot? I hope she wins it all and then turns around and gives Padma a big ol' kiss and then they make out for about two hours while we get to watch. Oh sorry, did I write that last sentence out loud? Oops.

Project Runway:

I love this new season of PR. They've expanded the episodes to an hour and a half because after all, what the hell else do they run on Lifetime that's better than PR? Nothing. That's what. What I like best about these expanded episodes is they show us what goes on with the designers while the judges are deciding who stays and who goes. I love seeing the designers react when they find out who won and who's on the bottom.

So far this season I despise, I hate, I absolutely can not abide that twat Gretchen. And Ivy too. Both of them are delusional, self aggrandizing bitches who would back stab their own mothers to get ahead in the PR competition They can't be kicked off soon enough to suit me. I want them both gone ASAP.

My favorites this season are:
Valerie. Miss Hottie from Cleveland. She reminds me of my cute as a button friend Donna S. and she designs great looking clothes. She almost got sucked into the orbit of the bitch planet known as Gretchen but so far she has been able to fight off that madness. I hope she makes it to the end.
I also really like Mondo. He's an odd little dude who seems like he was born to be on this show. His personal look is weird, but it's a good weird, in fact if I had had more balls I probably would have dressed more like him back when I was younger. I like the stuff he's designed for his model so far and I hope he gets to the end as well.

Work of Art:
I was over joyed to see Abdi Farah win the whole thing. His art was consistently the strongest week after week and his final show was damn good. I was glad he beat out those two art school douchebags who had treated everyone so badly. And I was doubly glad to see him beat out Tits 'I hate the male gaze on my body so much so that I dress to attract it' McBitch. I'm already looking forward to the nest season of this show and I'm praying to the dark gods that spawned me that Sarah Jessica Horseface doesn't make any more appearances on it. And that Bravo stops running ads for those god awful housewives shows during every fucking commercial break.

Reality Round Up

As long time readers of this blog know I only watch 'reality' TV shows that require their contestants to have some sort of actual talent to win. The ones I watch are Project Runway, Top Chef (but not that horrid Top Chef Masters and I'll be skipping the Top Chef Just Desserts show because I hate Gail Simmons), Next Food Network Star, Design Star, and my new favorite Work of Art.

Despite having Sarah Jessica Horse Face as the executive producer, I'm all in on the artist show. I love to watch the artists process, their thinking, and their creating. On one hand I've always hated artists who prattle on about their art and their thought process behind it but on the other hand slick editing can make that shit tolerable on a TV show like this.

My favorite artists on this show are the fat fry cook who is a Photoshop wizard:
His stuff is always thought provoking and visually striking. And he can do more than just manipulate images in Photoshop, he can also paint, and design.

My absolute favorite is Abdi:
His art, in my opinion, is always consistently head and shoulders above the rest. It's well made, looks good, and it fits the challenges. He seems like a nice and genuine person as well. He also can do many different styles of art, from painting to sculpture to computer work. My money is on him to win the whole thing.

My favorite person on the show however, is this guy:
He's 'the mentor.' The guy is the epitome of art world cool. He's seen it all before and he's not afraid to call bullshit when it needs to be called. He's the Tim Gunn of this show, which is something that a show like Top Chef needs. And don't tell me that Tom the Bear is 'the mentor' on Top Chef, he's not. He's a judge. Just like Tim Gunn doesn't judge, Simon on the art show doesn't judge, he mentors and guides the artists.

The artists on the show I hate are the phony Jaclyn. She calls herself a feminist who hates the sexist objectifying male gaze, but then she turns around and creates art based on her body and her big tits. She hates being objectified by the male gaze but she goes out of her way to make sure that men are looking and lusting after her. And she's a damn lying twat as well. When she gave Erik no props for his idea of letting the viewers of her latest narcissistic 'art' work write comments on her photos with markers after first thanking him for the idea, she showed herself to be a back stabbing bitch with no ethics or morals. I'm also not loving Miles and much as the judges are and the gal who feels the need to let everyone know she's a Christian every five minutes is pretty annoying as well.

As far as the other reality shows I'm watching go, here's the quick lowdown:

• Note to contestants on Design Star and Next Food Network Star, take off your fucking hats. If your whole persona is built around wearing your lucky hat or a stupid trucker hat, then you don't need to be on TV, you need to be working in a carnival some where.
• Texas produces some of the most annoying reality show contestants in the history of the world. Cases in point that hideous Dzintra and the chick who got the boot on Design Star a couple of weeks ago.
• Never make excuses for your lack of spice control in your food, that goes double for chubby backstabbing hat wearing chefs. Seriously, take off your hat unless you're in the kitchen working. I mean it.
• I'm glad to see more people of color on Top Chef this time around. I was beginning to think that all the top chefs were lily white and obnoxious. I'm glad to see that there are some obnoxious black folks out there who can cook.
  
• I'll stalk those damn judges and hobble them for life if they don't kick Nina off Design Star pretty soon. That bitch is a walking, living, breathing example of why people hate New Yorkers.
  

Keeping it real all summer long

The only 'reality' TV shows I watch are the ones where you have to have some talent to win them. I watch Project Runway, Top Chef (But not Top Chef Masters because I hate the host and most of the judges.), Design Star, and Next Food Network Star. With the exception of PR, all three shows are either back on or coming back on soon.

We caught the season opener of Food Network's Next Food Network Star the other night and here's my thoughts on it:

1) They need to change the name of this show to 'Win Yourself a Show on Food Network.' The past few people who've won this series are nowhere near star status and they run their shows when no one is watching. They made a star out of the idiot with the spiked hair and I guess they regret it so much they haven't put much of any push behind making the others a star.

2) Food Network needs to give Susie Fogelson her own show. And it needs to be a three hour show of just her sitting, smiling, and staring into the camera with those smokey eyes of hers while she wears sheer lingerie.
Seriously, they are wasting her talents by not putting this gorgeous woman out front on camera.

3) I hate the black female contestant in this new series. She's a real twat for ragging on the other gal who went to the hospital with the scratched cornea. She kept saying what a wuss the injured woman was and that if it was her, she never would have left. We all know that's bullshit. But if she'd like to actually find out what she'd do, I'm willing to jab her in the eyeball with a rusty nail. Then we'll know for sure if she'd gut it out or seek medical help.

4) The contestants I like are:
Aarti the Indian gal. She's got what it takes to be a host and it looks like she can cook. Her only problem may be that she relies too much on cooking Indian food. Last season the Korean gal cooked only Korean food and she beat it over our heads that she was Korean. If Aarti wants to win then she's going to have to prove she can cook any style of cuisine.
Serena the Italian spitfire. I like this firebrand because she's so feisty. She may not have the goods to go all the way but it'll be fun watching her try.

I'd watch either of these gals if they got their own show.

5) Contestants I don't like are:
This idiot. I'm glad he got booted off on the first show. I took an instant dislike to him when I saw his intro. He said, "I live on a farm but I don't wear a straw hat, overalls, and I don't have a piece of straw sticking out of my mouth." Wow. Really Nancy? You live on a farm and yet you don't dress and act like a stereotype? Go fucking figure. And go home and stay there.

I'm not impressed with the gal from Wisconsin with the big eyes. The judges seemed to love her but she was just annoying to me. Fake and annoying.

Most of the male contestants stink. They're either smarmy or too inexperienced to have a show.

Poor Doreen. I'm rooting for her to stay in it just so I can ogle her and so I can see how badly she does week after week. But seriously, this chick is a train wreck waiting to happen and a nervous breakdown away from a long stay in the Thorazine Hotel.

Whatever happens though, one thing is for sure, we'll be overdosing on Bobby Flay by the time this run of shows is over.

Keeping it real

I know you've all been on pins and needles waiting to find out what I think of the reality shows I've been watching this summer, so I will torture you no more. I shall now give you my run down of the reality shows I keep up with.

Next Food Network Star:
What I like about this show because it puts the contestants, who must have some cooking talent to be on there in the first place, through their paces. What I don't like about this show is that they have some of the Food Network people who I hate, that dude with the spiky bleached hair and Paula Deen, on there as well. Thankfully fat bleached hair guy and Paula 'The Queen of Fat' Deen aren't on there every week.

I hate all the male contestant they've got on this go round. I especially hate the fat gay guy with the stupid beard who wears the dumb looking hat all the time. I don't hate him because he's gay, I hate him because he makes my skin crawl and because I cringe when he opens his mouth. I see a public access cooking/gay sex tips show in his future, so if you live in the New York metro area look for that soon.

I think this gal is going to win it all:
And this gal is going to get a Food Network show as well:They are both too good not to have a show of some kind on the Food Network.

The Fashion Show:
I tried to like it but I absolutely hate it. I like Isaac Mizrahi. I love his co host Kelly Rowland, and for my money she was the real hottie of Destiny's Child. And I liked Project Runway. But for some reason I'd rather be forced to take long slow tepid showers with the late Captain Kangaroo, Carol Channing, and Osama Bin Laden all at the same time than watch that show. Seriously, I hate it more than I hate being beaten in the kidneys with sacks of quarters.

Top Chef Masters:
I like it despite the fact that I hate most all of the food critics on there and I think the Asian gal they got to host it is kind of creepy. What I like is seeing big time chefs being put through the same kinds of challenges that the usual chefs go through. I think I'll like it even more when they finish all these preliminary rounds and they get into the usual competition that I've come to know and love from Top Chef.


I'm looking forward to the new Anthony Bourdain shows coming up on the Travel Channel later this month, because honestly, how many times can they run shows with Samantha Brown and that fat bald guy who eats all sort of animal scrotums and asses before we blow our brains out? And maybe, just maybe, Lifetime will actually air Project Runway sometime this summer.