Keepin' it real

It's time for another round of my opinions and takes on the reality shows I watch.

Top Chef:

This hasn't been a stellar season in Washington DC. And I hate most of the remaining chefs, except for this one:
(sigh) I hope my girl Tiffany goes all the way because she's the real deal, the total package, the gal who put the hot in 'If you can't stand the heat, then get out of the kitchen.' She gorgeous, has a great laugh, can cook the lights out, and did I mention she's hot? I hope she wins it all and then turns around and gives Padma a big ol' kiss and then they make out for about two hours while we get to watch. Oh sorry, did I write that last sentence out loud? Oops.

Project Runway:

I love this new season of PR. They've expanded the episodes to an hour and a half because after all, what the hell else do they run on Lifetime that's better than PR? Nothing. That's what. What I like best about these expanded episodes is they show us what goes on with the designers while the judges are deciding who stays and who goes. I love seeing the designers react when they find out who won and who's on the bottom.

So far this season I despise, I hate, I absolutely can not abide that twat Gretchen. And Ivy too. Both of them are delusional, self aggrandizing bitches who would back stab their own mothers to get ahead in the PR competition They can't be kicked off soon enough to suit me. I want them both gone ASAP.

My favorites this season are:
Valerie. Miss Hottie from Cleveland. She reminds me of my cute as a button friend Donna S. and she designs great looking clothes. She almost got sucked into the orbit of the bitch planet known as Gretchen but so far she has been able to fight off that madness. I hope she makes it to the end.
I also really like Mondo. He's an odd little dude who seems like he was born to be on this show. His personal look is weird, but it's a good weird, in fact if I had had more balls I probably would have dressed more like him back when I was younger. I like the stuff he's designed for his model so far and I hope he gets to the end as well.

Work of Art:
I was over joyed to see Abdi Farah win the whole thing. His art was consistently the strongest week after week and his final show was damn good. I was glad he beat out those two art school douchebags who had treated everyone so badly. And I was doubly glad to see him beat out Tits 'I hate the male gaze on my body so much so that I dress to attract it' McBitch. I'm already looking forward to the nest season of this show and I'm praying to the dark gods that spawned me that Sarah Jessica Horseface doesn't make any more appearances on it. And that Bravo stops running ads for those god awful housewives shows during every fucking commercial break.

Wrap ups

Top Chef wrap up:
My boy Kevin was not this season's top chef. But he should have been. He took simple ingredients and he spun gold out of them. He didn't go in for the fancy techniques or the over the top molecular gastronomy bullshit, he just worked smart and cooked good gourmet food. I hope his restaurant in Atlanta is packed every day that it's open.

The Voltaggio brother who won, meh. He was all sizzle and no steak. And he was a dick through out the competition. His brother was the better of the two chefs if you ask me.

Project Runway wrap up:
Hey Irina, good job on your collection hon. You gave all the little fashion conscious Goth girls and Twilight lovers something to aspire to. You took black to a new level of blackness. Your collection was the black hole of mediocrity if you ask me though. It's easy to use the same color over and over and it shows you have no sense of color and style. You trashed every body during the run of the show, especially Althea, and then you tried to act like you were best buds with her at the end. You'll do well in the cut throat world of fashion because you're such a fake bitch.

Carol Hannah should have won this season but alas, sometimes the best designers don't win it all.

College football 2009 (regular season):

My Michigan Wolverines stank it up, and so did Tennessee, USC, and Notre Dame.

Alabama and Florida both took advantage relatively weak SEC opponents and both cruised to the title game where Alabama handed Florida their ass on a silver platter. I was happy to see it even though I'm no fan of Alabama. I am a fan of seeing the previous years winner getting beat badly though. And I a huge fan of seeing Tim Tebow get his butt kicked by that Alabama defense, especially given the fact that he wore those things on his face with that bible verse on it. Jesus hates that shit Timmy boy. But he does love stuff like this:
Boo ya!

Runchefway update

Top Chef update:

• I was sorry to see the lesbian with the funny eyebrows, Ashley, get booted off a few weeks back, I thought she was a much stronger chef than Robin or Eli.
• Speaking of Robin and Eli, it was a toss up of who I hated more but now since the sight of that fat little repulsive bastard Eli makes me vomit it's safe to say that I would like to see him gone fairly soon.
• I was glad to see Ash go because he was about the most milquetoast doormat of a guy I have ever seen on that show. I'm pretty sure he's never had an original thought in his life. I hope he'll always have someone around to tell him what to cook and what to think about things.
• Yo Laurine, you really should have washed your hair before going to run the front of the house in the last installment of restaurant wars. Greasy is never a good look for someone who is working with the public.
  
• And finally, you chefs may think all those tattoos make you look hip, trendy, and cool, but I'm here to tell you they don't really. They actually make me not want to eat food prepared by you. I'm afraid that one of those things may be infected and dripping pus into my food. Would it kill you people to cover those things up? (And there's no need to leave me any comments about how your tats are super cool and keen, I'm not into them but if you are then that's cool, I just don't want to see or hear all about them. Okay? Good.)

Project Runway:

• How long will they keep Chris there? I'm beginning to think they're keeping him on the show just so they'll have someone to make fun of and mock. I liked his early designs but he's obviously peaked far too early. He's got to go.
• Speaking of people who've worn out their welcome, Logan is still on the show and he's still making the most boring shit I've ever seen. Jeans and a fucking T shirt? Really Logan? That's your idea of Hollywood? Dude, you need to be designing shit for skate punks, second amendment conspiracy theorists, and redneck hipsters like Miley Ray Cyrus.
• I was sad to see Shirin get booted. I thought she's a much better designer than Nicholas, who got booted last night thank goodness, Logan, and Christopher.
• Irina is a talented designer but boy howdy is she a bitch or what.
• I'm pretty sure Irina, Althea, and Carol Hannah will be in the final three. Or the eastern European chick could make it if she doesn't sabotage herself by not having any confidence in her work.
• After having had that walking STD Lindsay Lohan on as a guest judge, I was glad to see they had an actress who is actually hot, Milla Jovovich, on the show last night. Milla exuded charm, wit, and grace, while Lindsay oozed stolen prescription meds, long days in a tanning bed, and sour malt liquor when she was on the show.
  

Oh yeah, this post may contain spoilers. So don't read it if you haven't seen the current episodes yet.

One for three (A Project Model Chef update post)

Dear Project Runway judges,

I'm sorry but you can't have it both ways. You can't bitch week after week that the designers are not pushing the creative envelope and then kick them off when one actually does push it. Sure, his sci fi dress wasn't the best thing Ra'Mon has ever done but it looked like it belonged in a sci fi movie.
Kicking him off was inexcusable. The brother is more talented than most any of the people still left, and that goes double for Louise and Logan, both of whom should have been booted this week. They both did boring work that was in no way in the same league creatively with Ra'Mon.

And while I'm at it, you judges got the winning design wrong as well. Christopher should have won. That dress he made was chic, stunning, and so fashion forward that people in the future will be pointing to it as an example of good timeless good design. By naming that fat faced greasy haired Nicholas the winner you have increased the amount of smarm he'll inflict on us in the future. He's already insufferable enough, of course he's one of those know it all New Yorkers who denigrates everything that did not come out of that city, so you've put us all on dangerous ground you Project Runway judges. Damn you!

Yours,
Dr. Monkey


Dear Project Runway designers,

What the feck were you thinking letting this woman go?

She is stunning and she'd look great in sack cloth and ashes. You let my girl Fatma go and you kept that boring bean pole Asian chick Celine with the bad hair cut? And you kept Kojii and that horrid Vanessa? Seriously? You all really fecked this one up.

I'm putting you all on notice. And you better not be letting my girls Tanisha and Kalyn, and Katie go.

Consider yourselves warned.

Warily yours,
Dr. Monkey


Dear sweet, sweet wonderful Top Chef,

I loved this weeks show beyond words. It was beautiful, wonderful, and fantastic. It was a joy to behold and a treasure for the eyes and ears. And do you want to know why I loved it so?

It's because it was a Gail Simmons free episode! Oh how I hate that pampered little rich girl and her attitude of entitlement. She strikes me as someone who has never worked a day in her life and yet who expects all those around her to work their asses off to please her. Her voice grates on my last nerve, if I were a contestant on your show and one critical word came out of her fish mouth in my direction I'd leap across that table and sever her vocal cords with a rusty tin can lid. And she's not attractive and yet she parades about as if she is. I don't take anything she says seriously and I can only hope that she's gone for good.

Thanks for bringing the Brit back. Toby Young rules. He's harsh but fair and super best of all, he's no Gail Simmons!
And in closing, thanks for getting rid of Haitian Chowder Man. He was over due to be axed and it was good to see him go. Next time let's concentrate of getting rid of Robin and Laurine.

Gleefully yours,
Dr. Monkey

PS: Please don't bring Gail Simmons back. Pretty please?

Project Top Runway update

Good riddance Mitchell. Slink back to Savannah and let the 110 percent humidity melt the last of your "talent" away. Seriously dude, thanks for bringing the suck to this season's shows.
Hey fat faced NYC guy, I'm rooting for you to go next. The look on your face when they told you that your designs were among the lowest rated this week was beyond priceless. Just goes to show you that you don't know everything in the world.

Since my girl Erika walked, I'm now rooting for this exotic beauty to win the model portion of the competition. If she does win, I promise to learn her name.
Oh feisty fiery Fatma, how I love you so. You womaned up and realized you were wrong and you did the right thing in trying to apologize to Vanessa. It's not your fault she's an utter twat who would not accept your apology. You gave it, she would not accept it, now you may feel free to kick her butt if she fucks with you again. Logan was an idiot not to pick you. I hope you make it to the final three.

On to Top Chef.

I'd rather eat Draino while listening to Barry Manilow on the down low than put anything in my mouth made by these three 'chefs':

If these three are the best the commercial culinary world has to offer then it's a damn good thing we hardly ever eat out.

On the other hand, chefs I like so far include these two:
If beardy doesn't drop dead of a heart attack in one of those hot ass kitchens then he's got a good shot at going all the way. And the chick from Philly is a no nonsense gal who knows her way around food and the kitchen. I love the way she handled all the prima donna chefs in this past week's episode.

Top Chef run down

They're over half way through the new season of Top Chef and unless anybody has any objections I'd like to throw my two cents about it in the pop culture ring. Anybody have any problem with that? Padma, you okay with that?

Sure Monkey man. I'm fine with it. But before you start can you tell me what happened to my clothes?

No. No, I'm not going to tell you what happened to your clothes.

Hahahaha, look, I found my shoes. Now, please go right ahead with your thoughts on this season of my show Top Chef.

Okay then, I will, but I need you to stop looking for your clothes. Can you do that for me?

Oopsie, look what happened. I found my bikini bottom. I only have to cover my breasts now. Please, go on with your critique of my show.

Look Padma, I will give you my critique if you'll just stop getting dressed. Is that so much for me to ask? That you just sit there in a semi nude state while I blather on about your fabulous cooking competition show?

Well, would you look at that. I found my bikini top. I found it in the hand you had hid around your back. Now my arms can go free since I no longer have to cover up my boobies around you. Now please, you were about to give your impressions of the current season of Top Chef.

I'm sorry Padma, I just can't now. After you got dressed I forgot what I was going to say.

Oh, okay. I better be going if you're not going to share those thoughts with me. I can go just about anywhere and be glad that I don't have Salman Rushdie sinffing around after me anymore, I certainly don't have to do it around you Monkey boy. See ya around Doc!

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( I really was going to write about how the European guys on this season of Top Chef are a pair of over confident tools and how the tall black chick with the bug eyes kind of freaks me out and how I dug the Jersey chick and how I'm rooting for the lesbian with the bad attittude to win but all that went out the window when I saw those pictures of Padma. Padma, hubba hubba.)

The hate list (TV edition)

I'm currently hatin' like crazy on the following people and or shows on TV:

1) I despise this show and every one on it. I have never watched a full episode of it and I resent it's outsized influence on our popular culture.

2) The Travel Channel cannot cancel this guy's show fast enough for me.His whole shtick is he goes all around the country and the world eating shit food and going, "Mmmm, ooohhh, that is good! Animal penises are really good! I love animal penises. Seriously, animal penises, what's better than that? Nothing. Well okay, maybe animal assholes but that's it. Mmmm. Ooooooohhhhhhh."

3) Both incarnations of What Not To Wear and the insufferable twats who host them.If people hate British females it's because of these two "women." I've never wanted to slap the shit out of any one more than I did when the one on the left told a woman, "You shut up and do what you're told."
And these two women are just as bad. Oooo, let's all bow down to the taste police. Let's let a couple of catty gals decide everything fashion wise. Or how about this, let's don't. And while we're at it, let's actively ignore them all from now on.

4) Chris Matthews, Tim Russert, Joe Scarboro, that female they keep drugged and chained to the chair next to Joe Scarboro, Chris Berman when he does "play by play" on baseball games on ESPN, and everyone on every religious TV show on the airwaves.

5) The food harpy Gail Simmons. If this gal was half the hottie she though she was then she'd suck all the sex appeal off the planet. If I was on Top Chef and my fate was in her hands, I'd gut myself on national television and I'd deep fry my innards and make her eat them.
6) I got nothing but love for Obama, Charlie Rangel, and most every other black politician but I'll have nothing but contempt for this turd in the political punch bowl:

Harold Ford Jr, late of TN, would sell us out in a heart beat if he thought it would endear him to corporate America, to "centerist" circles (when I say centerist he hears Republican lite), or to his media overlords. Harry thinks that because he lived and represented a state that voted Republican in the past few Presidential elections that he's got to be a conservative's conservative Democrat. He thinks we all want Bush lite and that we all shun Nancy Pelosi and Jessee Jackson/Al Sharpton/Tom Harkin style liberalism. Well Hank, I got news for you, not all of us in TN think like you do. Some of us don't want bipartisan politics if it means we have to be like Republicans. Some of us still believe in the party of FDR and LBJ, and we don't want people who claim to be Democrats to be like GWB. Got it?

7) Constant repeats of every Law and Order series. Enough. We've had enough. Stop airing them. I'm begging you.

8) The current crap line up on BBC America. If back to back episodes of Top Gear, Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares, Torchwood, and that hideous new Robin Hood, represent the best in British TV programming, then it's no fucking wonder why people in England love American TV shows.

9) Can someone please leave Larry King's coffin open in the daylight? Or can someone drive a sharpened wooden cross through his undead vampire heart? Is there no one who will step up to the plate and make him get the hell off the airwaves? Anyone? Please? No? Damn.

10) Note to VH1 Classic, you should have stopped running that same history of heavy metal series after it's seven hundredth showing. There's only so many times people can stomach the riveting story of how Judas Priest and Black Sabbath conquered the metal scene in the UK in the mid seventies. And I'm pleading with you to can the endless showing of Kiss concerts. Kiss stopped being cool back in...oh wait, they never were cool.

That's all for now but I reserve the right to hate on more TV stuff at any time.