These people learned history from Trump University

"Andrew Jackson could have prevented the Civil War but he chose not to because he had investments in northern factories."

"Teddy Roosevelt tried to stop the Korean war but Harry Truman bitched slapped him out of doing it."

"Martin Luther King Jr. wanted to invade the Falkland Islands but Ronald Reagan persuaded him not to by getting him hooked on the Mary Janes."

"The war of 1812 was really fought in 1799 but the fake news media won't tell the American people the truth."

"Spiderman is behind all international tooth decay, the rise of Freemasonry, and he killed Prince."

"I've come from the future to warn you not to elect Trump...what?  I'm too late?  Fuck, you're all fucked and I'm trapped here in the past.  Oh well, screw it, I'm going to become a gigantic whore and get hammered all the time." 

"So it's decided then, right?"

"Yes, we'll bomb North Vietnam and then we'll go get some hookers and blow with LBJ and Billy Graham."

The history they don't teach you in school

June 1776.

"The ancient ones will rise when a blackamoor leads this land.  Go spread this prophecy.  I do not care if there be few blackamoors free and that none have the intelligence to lead us, the prophets have spoken!  Now go!  Spread the word but be careful lest ye let Christians hear of our doings.  Go now and then upon your return we shall orgy until dawn!"

 "Be ye men of goodwill who know the name of Cthulhu?  If ye be, then ye must listen to my words and then we must orgy until all are sated."

 "Child, we have heard you are an oracle of the ancient ones.  Can you speak the prophecy to our fellow traveler Ben Franklin, he believeth me not."

"'Tis true, I Ben Franklin have heard that the ancient one, our dread Lord Cthulhu will only come to our realms when a blackamoor leads this land.  I despair that I will never live to see the day that happens, but now, let me pass I must spread the word to my brothers in the Continental Congress, I will bide no delay." 

"Brother Franklin hath told us the prophecies.  We must orgy like mad and then free the slaves immediately after we are spent so that one my rise up and lead us to the day when Lord Cthulhu rules over us." 

"Dear Oracle Child, Christians and one lone Jew have thwarted our efforts to free the slaves so that we may find one to lead us to the day when the dread ancient ones come to rule over us.  We have failed for now, but come, now let us all orgy together."

"Fear not!  All is not lost, the epoch of the ancient ones will be upon us someday soon.  Sometime around 2008 we think.  For now, we must go orgy with the British, I heard they're coming!"

The origin of hot dogs

In olden days, the judge said, "Forsooth, I am hot as hell and not in the 'good' sense of that phrase.  On top of that, I'm hungry as hell.  Bring me some food about this long and I will eat the hell out of that shit."

Throughout the colonial city people scrambled to find the judge some long food.  They looked high and they looked low but no one could find food to suit him, until...

"Hail young negro, my hungr is insatiable, give me that animal you cling so tightly to your dusky breast."  The young negro, being a son of slaves, had no choice but to comply.  He handed over his pet to the judge.

"My lord, this animal is too skinny to be eaten now.  Your lordship should allow me to let it eat the negro boy so as to fatten it up so it will be a nourishing and filling meal for you."

"Overruled!" shouted the judge before he ripped a fart that peeled the paint off the wall behind him.  "Gimme that dog.  NOW!"  The judge grabbed the dog, popped it's eye out, and skull fucked it before he ate it raw.

 "Whoa, did thou see-est that shite?  He ate that dog like a boss!" said the young negro as the crowd of white landowners looked on.

The judge was not amused by the flippant comments made by the young slave so he sentenced him to death and had his corpse ground up and stuffed inside thin translucent casings, which were called 'hot dogs' after the food he had gotten for the judge.