"Andrew Jackson could have prevented the Civil War but he chose not to because he had investments in northern factories."
"Teddy Roosevelt tried to stop the Korean war but Harry Truman bitched slapped him out of doing it."
"Martin Luther King Jr. wanted to invade the Falkland Islands but Ronald Reagan persuaded him not to by getting him hooked on the Mary Janes."
"The war of 1812 was really fought in 1799 but the fake news media won't tell the American people the truth."
"Spiderman is behind all international tooth decay, the rise of Freemasonry, and he killed Prince."
"I've come from the future to warn you not to elect Trump...what? I'm too late? Fuck, you're all fucked and I'm trapped here in the past. Oh well, screw it, I'm going to become a gigantic whore and get hammered all the time."