"I was going to turn gay but when I heard that businesses could discriminate against me if I did, well you best better believe I stayed straight. I totally love women and their boobs and their hair and make up and I totally want to have sex with one someday. As soon as I find one with a penis who looks like Ryan Gosling, then I'm all in!"
"My parents made sure the hospital didn't give me no gay blood and now I'm on the mend and I'll be back to protesting at abortion clinics and shaming poor kids in no time! Thank you Jesus and mom and dad!"
"I get zapped with the de-gayinator ray three times a week instead of two like I used to. Sure it hurts like hell and all the radiation is probably going to give me cancer and shit, but that's a small price to pay to keep me straight and not discriminated against."
"As soon as I heard about businesses being able to discriminate against gays, I moved the fuck out of Indiana. My wife and I now live in outside of the Midwest and we no longer smell like tainted cheese and almost all our rashes have cleared up!"
"I want to be able to live the real Indiana experience and I can't do that if I'm being discriminated against. So I've learned how to hide my homosexuality. I have to keep it under wraps or I won't be able to enjoy basketball games in hot stinky gyms, eat my body weight in day old bread and tater tot casserole, and passive aggressively judge others who engage in the same behaviors that I do. When ever I feel like getting gay on another dude, I slide my arms in to these slings and I put my junk into this medieval cock blocking device until my desire for another man passes. I also think of Bobby Knight naked and that kills any boners I might get."
"Am I safe? I don't know, are you safe?"
"Getting my anti gay hate on has turned back the clock for me. I look just like I did back in college when I used to persecute gays and lesbos in my college. Just look at my before and after photos! Last week I looked old and tired and my skin sagged. Now, after refusing to serve gays, Presbos, and Mexicans, I have a spring in my step and my skin looks days younger. I haven't felt this good since the days when I was an Eva Braun impersonator for World War 2 re-enactors. Hate, discrimination, and small minded Christian paranoia never felt so good or made me feel so sexy!"