Monday, March 30, 2015

Here's an important message from the Indiana Department of Religion

Some of you good small business owning Christians have prayed to us wanting to know who it's safe to discriminate against now that the religious freedom bill has become law in our state.  The homogays and the liberals are deliberately trying to confuse people for whatever sick and twisted reasons they have, so we wanted to clear up how you can tell if someone is gay and therefore eligible for some Jesus based discrimination.  

It's pretty easy to tell if a woman is gay.  If she's wearing a flannel shirt and work boots, then she's gay and you can discriminate.  If she looks mannish, has a deep voice, or talks incessantly about sports, she's gay, discriminate away.  If she doesn't respond to your sexual advances, she's gay and Jesus is totally cool with you refusing to serve her or sell her things.  If she expresses any interest in drum circles, comic books, video games, or any other traditionally male things, then she's a man hating lesbian and God demands you soundly trash her after you refuse to do business with her.  

Men on the other hand are a bit more tricky.  Many of them have spent years hiding their true homogay nature, after all this is Indiana and we've never been accepting of the homosensuals, so most gays in our state have to hide who they are, lest we find out and drive them away to Chicago or some other den of gay sin.  By and large if men talk about track lighting, fine dining, Judy Garland, European art and literature, fashion, and flower arranging, they're gay.  If they refer to anything or anyone as 'fierce' or use the word 'efforting,' they're gay and you don't have to do shit for them.  

But, like we said, many have learned to hide these symptoms and 'tells' so you may have to delve deeper to find out if they're gay or not.  So if you suspect your potential customer may be gay but you still need absolute proof he is or not, then try this:

Both of you get naked, enter his rectum with your lubed up rock hard aching penis and then thrust it back and forth inside him.  If he moans to indicate he's enjoying what you're doing, then he's gay, but if he's silent, then keep thrusting until you ejaculate.  After you finish, ask him if he enjoyed it, if he says he did, then you may discriminate against him beginning immediately.  If he didn't and he claims you anally raped him, tell him you're a good Christian businessman and that you'd never ever do such a thing and if he still prattles on and on about how you 'sexually abused' him, start speaking in tongues and handling snakes and he'll quickly get the message that you're a holy warrior doing the Lord's work and you are not to be trifled with and he'll get dressed and leave your business as quickly as he can.

If your potentially gay customer is not into the anal sex test, then try the oral test on him.
It's basically the same as above but this time you lie down on the ground and let him put his erect penis in your mouth and let him thrust it back and forth while you provide some suction.  If he ejaculates in your mouth, he's gay.  If he asks that you kiss him afterwards, he's gay.  If he tries to give you his phone number afterwards, he's gay.  And if he's gay, you know what to do: discriminate against him until Jesus can come back and finish what you started.

So that's pretty much it, watch for the signs, listen to what he says, do the tests on him, and remember if you don't enjoy doing the anal or the oral sex, that means you're not gay and that you're not eligible to discriminate against yourself or let other discriminate against you.  Rest assured, Jesus would have done the same thing and we're sure of that because all of his adult life, he chose to hang out pretty much exclusively with twelve hunky hairy dudes.  

Now get out there and restore your religious freedom to be hateful to gays and anyone else you think Jesus would hate!

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