Hello America, Rick Santorum here. As many of you know I hate marriage equality and I said just the other day that I'd die on the hill of this battle. That's right I'd rather die than see homosexuals get married to one another. However, I don't mind if they marry people of the opposite sex, I'm cool with that. After all, Marcus Bachmann did it and look at his marriage.
Hahahahaha, but seriously folks, I really, really, REALLY hate gay marriage. And I especially hate the ones they performed already. They need to be broken up and I've come up with a plan to do just that. In fact, my plan will end all gay marriages in the USA.
My plan is simple, it's ingenious, and it's fool proof. My plan is this: we send in secretly not gay men to have sex with one of married gays in a married gay couple. This will piss off the other partner and they'll dump and divorce the cheating gay. I believe in my plan and my hatred of gay marriage is such that I am willing to go in and have gay sex with as many gay marrieds as it takes to break up the gay marriages that swept this nation. I know that I can't be having all the sex that breaks up these marriages, so I have enlisted some of my friends, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Sen. Lindsay Graham, Donald Rumsfeld, and that black minister in Atlanta who digs the younger dudes, and we're all going to go about breaking up gay marriages all across the states where it's permitted. It's going to be dangerous, hot, and sweaty work so we've all been working out and taking Viagra by the fistful. We're serious about this and with the help of Jesus Christ, we'll whip these gays and we'll nip this gay marriage thing in the bud.
And don't worry, when the lesbians see what kind of cock we're slinging, then they'll all convert and become the man loving sex machines God intended them to be, because you know just as well as I do that those women are only having sex with women because they haven't ridden the right cock yet.
So that's my plan and I'm stickin' to it. Now, where are my chaps? I need to show off my dimpled ass so I can begin the seduction of the married gays!