It's alive!

Ladies and germs, I'm still alive and kicking. As much as slappy boi and my douchebag Congressman hate it, I made it through today's heart cath with flying colors. Well, as flying as my colors can get after nearly dying four years ago with the initial heart attack and the ensuing quadruple bypass that is.

Let's put todays events in historical context shall we? Why, yes, we shall since this is my blog and not yours. So lets go back about a week to a chilly Monday morning in the dead of winter.

It was about 9 in the morning and my cardiologist called me. He said that after he reviewed the results of my stress test he saw that I had developed a new blockage and that I needed a heart cath to check the new blockage out. He said that balloon therapy or a stent may be needed. I quickly agreed since he was the man responsivle for saving my life back in August 2004. He said that his secretary would call me later with an appointment.

In a few days his secretary did indeed call me with an appointment time. She also told me I needed to get some blood work done in advance of the heart cath and she inquired as when I would like to come to Knoxville to get it done. I told her that since I lived 90 miles east of Knoxville that I would not get it done there. She then asked if there was anywhere around where I lived that did blood work. I wanted through the phone line to punch her condescending ass out for asking such a stupid question. I told her, in not too polite terms I must say, that we did indeed did have many places where such blood work could be done. I told her that we have not one but two hospitals in my town and that we also had a university that has a medical school in the city where I live so she needn't worry about there being a shortage of places to do said blood work. I also reminded her that the state did not stop at Knoxville and that there were many people in my area of this state who got fine medical treatment from one of a number of medical institutions around here. I'm not sure if she got the picture or not but I did my best to let her know that she was being patronizing and more than a little condescending by the time we finished our telephone exchange. By the end of said exchange she agreed to call in the order for the blood work to a local clinic I sometimes go to.

Then a few days later I got that blood work done, not at the clinic but at a local hospital. The clinic did not do a certain test my cardiologist ordered so they referred me to the hospital where I had my stress test done. After a days delay I got my blood work done and the results were sent to my cardiologist.

Fast forward to yesterday. When Sparky and I left the house in the morning it was warm, low 60's, and raining as we made our way to Knoxville for the cath. Along the way it rained like a mo-fro on us. At one point I nearly pulled over because I could not see. But as luck would have it the closer I got to Knoxville the clearer the skies became. And by the time I got to Baptist Hospital the sun was shining brightly.

The view from Baptist Hospital admitting area waiting room.

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I got checked in and in a few short minutes I was being whisked away and told to disrobe down to my socks and told to put on a stylish gown that tied shut in the back. After donning the gown I got stuck with an IV in my hand

and then the nurse told me not once but twice that they were going to shave my "groins." I had to bite my tongue so as not to correct her and tell her that I had only one groin and not two or more. Thankfully one of the most unattractive women in the world came in to do the shave job on me. I thought to myself that it's a damn good thing that they found such an unattractive woman to shave the male paitents down there because of they got a total hottie to do the job then she might have to fight some dudes raging boner when she shaved his pubic area and we all know who wins when a dude has his raging boner fought by a total hottie. After I was stuck and shaved they allowed Sparky to come back and sit with me before the heart cath procedure was done. We waited on pins and needles, and when I say pins and needles I mean I waited on a bed and she waited while sitting on a chair that was manufactired when LBJ was President. After a half hour or so they took me back to the heart cath area.

In the heart cath area I got to finally speak with my doctor and he asked me if I had any questions or fears about the ensuing procedure. I told him I did not and I said, "I trust you, you seem to know what you're doing. I've managed to stay alive by following your advice for the past four years now. You're a pro doc, so you do what you think is best." Heartened by my somehwat ringing endorsement of his medical skills he said his assistant would give me something to sedate me and then he'd be back to do the heart cath. I was semi sedated about 10 minutes later. The drip in my IV put me down but not out, so I was not totally under when he did the procedure. Time lost all meaning as I rode the medication train. I could hear them talking and they even talked to me while they did their voodoo medical magic but I don't remember much. I do remember Dr. Hoadley telling me that they were going to inject some dye into me and that I'd feel hot and tingly. Holy shit was he right. I felt like I was a million degrees hot and my whole body felt like your arm does when it "falls asleep." Those feelings lasted only for a second or two though but man while they did last they were super intense.

By the end of the procedure my doctor said everything looked good and that I would not need the balloon or the stent this time around, so that meant I would not have to spend the night. He said that three out of the four bypasses were doing well and so he was not worried. My heart, according to him and his learned opinion, were doing fine, well as fine as it's going to get anyway. He then told me I would have to wait until the pain medication, the sedative, wore off and my the area of my groin where they threaded the tube to my heart artery clotted properly before I could leave. So they wheeled me back to the staging room.

Sparky was relieved to hear that we could go home later and that everything was okay on my end. So we sat, and when I say we sat I mean I laid in a bed as the sedative wore off and Sparky sat in the uncomfortable chair, and we waited for the sedative to wear off and for them to take my blood pressure about 40 times. Thanks goodness that Comedy Central was running Dirty Rotten Scoundrels this afternoon. We watched it and laughed as we waited for them to release me.
During the afternoon and early evening hours that we spent in the hospital the temperature outside had plummeted and the rain came back and it was supposed to turn to snow later. We got out just ahead of a snow storm that was predicted to dump an inch or more of snow on the Knoxville area, I know that amount sounds laughable to you northerners but down here one inch may as well be 50. People don't do well in the snow down here. Sparky drove the 90 miles back home like a champ and we did indeed run through some snow, sleet and a little rain on our way back here to Monkey Central. We made it back safe and sound and we finally got to eat a decent meal. I hadn't eaten since supper last night and Sparky didn't each much today out of solidarity with me and my plight. We spent almost 12 hours on the road or in the hospital today but since everything turned out okay it was 12 hours well spent. I have a feeling that this won't be my last heart cath and I hope that all the rest turn out as well as this one did.

Thanks to all of you for your well wishes and your kind thoughts and comments. However, to the person who left me a comment with a Bible verse in it, I deleted your comment and please do not ever leave a comment on my blog ever again that contains a sentence from your stone age book of fables. You knew damn well beforehand that I am an atheist and that I do not care for your holier than thou ass, so to leave the comment you did was extremely disrespectful to me and my beliefs. While I appreciate that fact you were thinking of me, I do not in any way appreciate the fact you want to convert me to your intolerant brand of religion.