My lawyers are making me do this

My attorneys, aren't they cute?

My crack legal staff has informed me that if I want to do more of the Crunky posts, then I must put out the following disclaimers:

• The makers of Crunky do not give 15 percent of their after tax profits to the Church Of Satan.
• Crunky will not make you live forever and give you a musky virile Bruce Campbell like scent.
• Crunky should never be used as a weapon, a method of birth control, or a pawn in a game of emotional chess.
• There are absolutely no plans whatsoever to start marketing an avocado flavor Crunky.
• Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung did not invent Crunky nor did they sanction it's use in any Politburo meetings.
• Crunky was not on the grassy knoll. Ever. No matter what it looks like on the Zapruder film.
• Crunky did not impregnate a 16 year old virgin in Hokkaido. She was 18 and she'd been around the block.
• There are no tribes in the rain forest that worship Crunky, although there are three who worship a plastic bag from Wal-Mart.
• Crunky will not ever turn a gay person straight. It will only make them a little more chubby.
• You will not get cooties from Crunky.
• You should never raise your voice in anger to Crunky and be careful not to make eye contact with Crunky if you are menstruating.
• All of you need to ask yourselves the following question before making a big decision, "Will this decision I am about to make potentially hurt or help Crunky?"
• Crunky will not answer to any pet names whatsoever, although Crunky will come if you call it 'Clifford' or 'Janelle.'

The above fulfills my obligations in the Crunky v. Monkey Muck suit. I can now do more Crunky posts. So for the literally ones of you who said they missed them, Crunky posts will resume tomorrow.