Interview with Sam Brownback

I knew something was up when I got the call from Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback's (R) handlers. They told me the Senator would be glad to sit down and allow me to interview him but we had to do it at Hooters.

Reluctantly I agreed.

I got to Hooters and he had already had had a few. Awww, who am I kidding? He was drunk off his ass by the time I got there. He saw me and he said, "Hey Ape Shit, look I can do that thing Duncan Hunter did the other night at the debate too! You left me out of your piece on our debates so I wanted to show you I could do this as well."

I knew the rest of the interview was not going to go well.

Before I could open my mouth to tell him not to, Brownback chugged half a pitcher of beer and jumped into a pile of college girls.He started groping and kissing and doing all sorts of untoward things to the girls.

Then as things were about to turn uglier, the manager of Hooters called the police.The cops however could have cared less. They said that they were all on the way over to Krispy Kreme for some fresh hot doughnuts. They told the manager that since Brownback was a US Senator and a Roman Catholic he would not do anything harmful to the women. They said, "We never heard of a member of Congress or a member of the Roman Catholic clergy doing anything slightly wrong with young girls, it seems both groups are partial to young boys, so don't worry about it. Now leave us alone our doughnuts are getting cold."

I knew it was up to me to dispense justice.

I don't usually carry a gun, I stopped when I learned how to kill a man with my hands, but something told me earlier that day to pack some heat. I whipped out my tool and I pointed it at him and said in a calm clear voice, "Step away from the hot human girls!"

He did as I asked. Then I said, "How many of those girls did you grope you sick freak?"

As soon as he told me his answer, I cuffed him and then I put him in handcuffs. Yeah sometimes I carry a pair just for fun or for occasions like these. I led him outside and into the Monkey Mobile.

I kept my gun trained on him as my drivers, Ebb and Flo, took us to the nearest police station.
When we got there I marched his ass inside.

I scolded him for groping those girls against their wishes but he just laughed at me.

He said he didn't care if he scarred those girls for life and ruined them for other men and or women later on, all that mattered to him was his base desires and getting his jollies and to hell with anyone else.

When they stuck him in a cell with Cletus Huckabee I knew the fix was in and that he'd be out in time for the next Republican debate in August. Disgust welled up inside my simian brain and I walked out. I gave him the 'evil eye' as I walked back out to the Monkey Mobile.

Somehow I could have cared less what his positions on the issues were now and I could not bear to listen to him drone on about how evolution was not real or that you can ignore scientific facts if they get in the way of your faith. And somehow I also knew that maybe one day I'd see Brownback again, probably on an episode of To Catch a Predator, or, even worse, CSPAN.