The Republican Debate

Good evening everyone and welcome to the Republican Party debate live from New Hampshire! Time is tight so lets get started right away with a question for the frontrunner.

Rudy what are your plans to pep up the currently tepid US economy?

Rudy: Well, what we do not want to do is to go back to the bad old days of the 1990's like Hillary Clinton is suggesting. Far too many people had far too much money back then. Too many people were able to move up the economic ladder in the 1990's. They bought too many houses, they bought too many cars, and they supported far too many of her husbands policies, so many in fact that the US was actually thought of in a good light around the world. Now, if you elect me president then I'll continue the policies of the Bush administration that keep the wealth only in the hands of whites, I'll continue to keep us in the war of terror, and I'll make sure this country stays a laughing stock abroad. Oh, and I'll perform abortions on the side.
Mitt: On the side? I didn't know they moved it!
Settle down Gov. Romney and leave the bad jokes to the monkey. What do you think about the sentence that Scooter Libby got today Gov. Romney?
Mitt: That sentence was a miscarriage of justice. he should have gotten life in a maximum security prison! I have always maintained that the prosecutor in that case, a Republican Party appointee by the way, was fair and unjust and that is why I said that Mr. Libby should be pardoned because he did nothing wrong. Oh yes, and one more thing, global warming is causing the immigration crisis and that is why I have always been against abortions on the side, taking into consideration of course the fact that global warming and immigration are something I have always been completely in favor of just like Ronald Reagan was years ago.

Okay then, we've got a question for Can O' Soda. Can, how do you feel about sugar subsidies?
Can: One hundred per cent for them. Unlike my panty waisted opponents. In fact I am ready to go to war to keep the price of sugar low!
Rudy: Me too!
Mitt: I have always advocated a war for low sugar prices. I talked about it when I was a Mormon, oops, I mean Baptist missionary. So yes, I can not support a war for sugar.

Duncan Hunter: I'd like to remind everyone that I am in the room also. Can you please keep that in mind?
Can: Jeez, who told the insurance agent he could talk?
Duncan: I have not now, nor have I ever sold insurance. Insurance is something that gays and liberals and terrorists want and desire to buy and I will outlaw insurance when I get to be president.

Can: Who you kidding? You got as much chance to be president as Johnny Rotten.
Duncan: I will outlaw Johnny Rotten as well. His snarl scares small children.


Johnny Rotten: I'll kick your ass old man, you too Can O' Soda. I will, so help me God, I will. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Mitt: When I was Governor of Michigan...
Rudy: It was Massachusetts.
Mitt: That's what I always said, when I was Governor of Missouri...
Johnny: Shut it you damn oily used car salesman. I'm sick of your crap.
Mitt: I am also sick of crap. I signed 14 major pieces of legislation against crap when I was Governor of Mississippi.
Johnny: I swear I will fucking kill you. And wear your intestines as a necklace. Grrrrrrrrrr.


Ron Paul: Everybody needs to see that I can do the same hand gesture that Duncan did a moment ago, except I turn my hands a little bit when I do it. Now, if I can do that, why can't this country go back to the 90's, the 1690's? Back when there was very little government and there was no war in Iraq. That's all I'm saying.



Can: Holy crap, is that guy Mike Gravel's evil twin or what?
Mitt: I was Mike Gravel's evil twin. No I wasn't. Of course I was.
Rudy: No one has mentioned 9/11 lately.
Johnny: I'm gonna disembowel all of you.
Can: Zip it you English pussy.
Johnny: Grrrrrrr.



Come on people, this is a civilized debate. Gov. Huckabee, please say something smart, you've been quiet all night.
Huckabee: Okay, first off this is how I would do that hand thing that Duncan did a minute ago. See how my fingers point up to God? That proves there is no evolution, that the war on terror is a reality, and that I no longer have stink finger. But what I'd really like to say is that I love John Edwards. I do. He was on my mind in the last debate and I have not been able to stop thinking about that dream boat since. He's a man's man, a man for all seasons, a man with, as we say in Arkansas, a 'purty mouth.' I love him and if he'll have me, I'll be his husband.



Can: Nancy boy.
Johnny: Sick old poof.

Mitt: I support their right to get married, always have.

Rudy: I support their right to conceive a child through a surrogate who can then have an abortion. And lower taxes on my rich buddies as well.

Mitt: Of course, we all support low taxes.

Ron: I support no taxes! No taxes, no government, and no tapioca as well. Pudding and taxes bad.

Governor Gilmore, what have you been up to since you stopped being Governor of Virginia?

Gilmore: Well, when I found out that the Gilmore Girls TV show was not about my wife and our daughters, I started drinking heavily. I lost weight, and one day I looked in the mirror and I saw Shane McGowan lead singer of the Pogues staring back at me. So I ran with it. I've been singing for a Pogues tribute band called 'James Joyce's Genitals.' Say I was wondering....

Yes?




Gilmore: I'm a bit parched, can I have a soda?
Can: No!!!!
Gilmore: Please? Pretty please?
Can: No! Do not let that sot drink me!
Go right ahead Governor.
Can: You bastard! I'll get you for this!
Rudy: 9/11.
Mitt: Soda is something I have always been either for or against. Honestly I can't remember anymore.
Gilmore: (glug, glug, glug) Ahhhhh. Man I loves me some imitation grape soda.


Female Mao, who is your position on the war and immigration and lower taxes?
Female Mao: What you all need a a 'long march' to the asylum.
It's seems that when it comes to you people that political power flows not from the barrel of your guns, but from your asses. You guys are as stupid as Ho Chi Minh when he was all hopped up on rice wine.

We need to break for commercial but before we do, here's a gratuitous picture of a very pregnant Salma Hayek.