Excerpts from the Ronald Reagan's Diaries or Scooping Vanity Fair

We here at Monkey Muck HQ have pulled off a stunning journalistic coup ladies and gentleman, we have obtained excerpts from the new Reagan diaries that Vanity Fair chose not to print. Feb. 1, 1981 "Can hardly believe I am still president. Mommy says I have four more years here in this nice white house. The men who she makes me work with sure talk a bunch, they hurt my head. I need a nap."

March 15, 1981 "I pulled my groin today, for about two hours. Ha ha ha. Mommy hates that joke and she hates it when Chuck Heston and I shower together. Nothing wrong with showering with another man. Getting sleepy, I need a nap."

June 16, 1981 "Can't find James Brady anywhere. Wonder where he got off too? Oh well, I sure do miss him, he's a firecracker with a sharp wit and his daddy must have been a pistol because he's a son of a gun. So sleepy. Need nappy."

July 4th, 1981 "Pretty lights in sky tonight. All colors and twinkly too. So glad I got up to pee and I got to see them. I hate those loud noises that happen right before the pretty light appear though. Got to remember to gut more regulations in government agencies that might benefit people but harm business. Oops, I peed in a vase. Holy Jesus, I need to go to bed."

August 29, 1981 "I had a date today Diary! Mommy let me go out with this nice lady in a dress. Her name is Carol or something like that. We knelt alot and bowed our heads and she checked me for hernias a bunch of times. "Little Ronnie' almost got hard like he used to when Mommy touched it while she wore those yellow latex gloves. Oh to be 75 again. Golly, that would be keen. I hope I get to see that Carol woman again, I liked her cologne. Got to go to bed now, it's half past 7 and boy am I bushed. Ha ha, I just wrote bushed and my Vice President's last name is Bush. I'm funny but sooooo sleepy."

Dec. 17, 1982 "I hope Mommy gets me that case of Cream Of Wheat I've been hinting I want for Christmas."

April 8. 1983 "People keep yammering at me about my aides, they say I should do something about my aides. Must remember to ask Mommy what my aides have done to make so many people so mad at me. I'll ream those aides out when I find out. But right now, I need to lay down and rest my eyes for a bit."

Nov. 26, 1985 "Boy howdy, that son of Bush's is a real go getter. That kid is going places, he's smart, listens to others, knows when to compromise, and works his ass off. Yes sir, I like that cut of Neil Bush's jib. Too bad that George Jr. is such a dolt. That idiot thinks Sherlock Holmes is a sub division and that Loverboy is the bestest band ever. Ah well, my eyes are getting heavy, I better go to sleep now."

May 1, 1986 "I rode Trigger today and we scoured the south lawn of the White House for Indians. Everything was all clear tho Diary, so me and Trigger had a nice nap on the lawn and then after I got up I went to a meeting about someone contradicting someone in Central Anerica. They seemed pretty steamed about things. I wish those people in Kansas would just learn to get along with everyone."

October 2o, 1987 "Got a 'Cleveland steamer' from Ollie North after lunch then I took a nap."

Jan. 4, 1988 "Watched a very special A Team tonight. I'm going to hire those guys to take out that guy who wears those rags on his head in Libya. Oh that reminds me, that nice Hussien guy in Iraq wants more missiles and shit. I told the guys at the Pentagon to give him the stuff at cost, he's a good friend of this country. It's not like those missles, tanks, or guns will ever be used on our fine men in uniform. I think I'll just lay my head down on the desk for a few minutes."

Sept. 5, 1988 "So very tired. Where am I? Is it halloween yet? Why is Pat Robertson on his knees between my legs? And why is he touching 'Little Ronnie'? Aww screw it, I'm too sleepy to care. Maybe I'll dream about that horrid English woman with the bad over bite again tonight."