And now here's a sock monkey with a joke

 How many people did Dick Cheney have to torture before one agreed to change his light bulb?

The answer is: none.  Dick Cheney didn't torture anyone, he's too much of a pussy to do it himself, so he got some asshole from the CIA to do it for him.

 Careful now, Cheney might shoot you in the face.

 My stars!  A talking monkey and an insubordinate woman.  I shall see to it that both are thrashed within an inch of their worthless lives!

Yes sir, I'll have the fellow who made the previous comment shot for being too lenient.  And I'll put the monkey and the insubordinate woman to death as well.  You're so right sir, the lower forms of life must not be allowed to mock the white males in power.  

It's no wonder I'm so odd

When I was a kid, I used to love stupid jokes like these, especially the second one.  It should be no surprise that I still love jokes like these.

Here's some beautiful women telling a joke

"A liberal,"

"a moderate,"

"and a conservative walk in to a bar..."

"And the bartender says, 'Hello Mr. Mitt Romney.' "

"Hahahaha, that's funny. Now, can we all make out with you Dr. Monkey? Please?"

Where'd you get the pigs?

"You mean dog..."

Um, no, I was speaking to the dog.

It's so humid...

How humid is it?
It's so humid that I saw a squirrel blowing on his nuts in a vain attempt to keep them dry and cool.

Thanks. I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip the wait staff.

The best jokes are the ones you keep repeating

There is a great organization in my area called Dawn of Hope. They help mentally disabled people get around, get them jobs, and help mainstream them into life with others. We see their vans all the time and we drive by their HQ quite frequently. When I see their vans or the sign out in front of their HQ I say in my best grown up serious voice, whether I'm with someone or not, "Dawn of hope...afternoon of despair...evening of quiet resignation." It never fails to crack me up.

Bat shit crazy isn't just for American politicians anymore

The Prime Minister to be of Japan's wife said she's been to Venus. She went to Uranus first but she found too many Klingons hanging around.

Thanks, I'm here all week.

Best joke I've heard in a long time

Two older women are talking and one says to the other one, "Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The other says, "What are you going to do about it?"

"Snort more pepper."