Hey! What are you doing?

"I'm tenderizing this baby that I plan to roast later."

Oh, okay then.  Carry on.

Leonid Brezhnev answers some questions

Comrades, I have come from beyond the grave to give you the following answers:

• Yes.
• A moldy doughnut.
• Henry Kissinger.
• Two tractors and a microphone.
• Olga Korbut.
• The Erie Canal.
• Marsupials.
• 340.
• Videotapes.
• Two squirrels would never board a train in Cincinnati, so the question is moot.
• Evelyn Umphries.
• The New Bruise by Jesus Cross and the True Nails.
• Siberian women.
• Nickelback.
• Waiting in line for all of eternity.

I hope these answers help in your five year plan to find the truth.  Now, someone, give me a carton of American cigarettes before I disappear...hurry up...god damn it...you're too slow...fuck it...I'm breaking up...

What is it?

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Danish women ask Sarah Palin some 'gotcha questions'

"What time is it where you are at Miss Sarah Palin?"

"Do you know where Denmark is Sarah Palin?"

"Why do you want me to get on your big ugly bus Sarah Palin? Do you want to perform medical experiments on me?"

"Where does the sun go at night?"

"When are your fifteen minutes of fame going to be up?"

Pin Ups Answer Your Burning Questions

How will that new immigration law in Arizona affect you floral bikini lady?
"I'll have to hire Anglo Saxons to clean my pool, mow my lawn, and undress me with their eyes constantly. I'm not happy about it, but I guess I'll do it."

A Texas lawmaker said that President Obama is his god's punishment for the wickedness of this country, do you agree bondage barn lady?
"I'd be willing to bet his god and the god that the Westboro Baptists worship are one in the same. So if their god really wanted to punish us, he'd have let Bush McCain and Half Term Palin win in 2008."

Did you lose your razor huge bush woman?
"Yes. And I lost it after I started using Rogaine down there."

Has the volcano eruption in Iceland made life hard for you narcissistic woman?
"Iceland hasn't melted yet? Even after all this global warming? Holy shit, I guess Sean Hannity is right, Al Gore is full of crap."

Haven't you heard that smoking is bad for you faux hippie lady?
"I'm smokin' with or without the cigarette. So it really doesn't mean shit to me monkey boy."

Have you seen my keys Miss Daisy?
"Yes. I found them but I'm not giving them back without a fight. I'll wrestle you for them. Let's get greased up and go two out of three falls for them. How's that sound?"

Nude model gal, is No Child Left Behind working?
"No children are coming out of my behind and that's final. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Not all answers make sense. Now go away so I can pose more. I mean it. Scram."

Answers to burning questions

Yes, but I still like to lie about it anyway.

Most assuredly.

Not so much.

Ask again later.

Yes, but you knew that when you married him. So there you go.

Mr. and Mrs. George Bush senior, you may be able to but the rest of us sure as hell can't.

Of course. But actually getting those ungrateful brats to do so is another story.

Yes, but the real money is in strip club management.

Quick question:

Does the USA need more
or do we need more
Choose wisely gentle readers, choose wisely.

Here's why monkeys don't want to go to heaven:

Hopefully this will clear up a few of your questions

The Johnson girls, Faith, Hope, and Charity, will be watching us and judging our every move for the rest of the month. The following people have been checking out Androcles and the Lion:
When I'm not blogging, cooking, running for President, reading to the blind, interpretively dancing, working for world peace, visualizing whirled peas, producing recordings for the Black Eye Peas, making people sneeze, saying "Thank you" and "Please," cutting the cheese, looking at trees, counting to three, enjoying a crime spree, having a loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thee, I like to get together with friends and reenact scenes from the film Barbarella.

Question of the day

Today's question comes to us from Austin M. Austin says: I enjoy very much the "Cooking w/ Dr. Monkey" segments. Let's say that George W. came by one day to apologize. What would you cook him for dinner?First of all Austin, thanks for your kind words about my cooking posts. I'm glad you like them.

Secondly, at this point any apology from the lips of that greedy murdering bastard would ring hollow in my ears. I would not and could not forgive him for the way he has abused his power, senselessly murdered hundreds of thousands of people, and has helped his pals in big business rape us and abuse our planet.

However, just because I will never forgive him for his transgressions while in the Oval Office, that does not mean I would not turn him away from my table, as he has done to the poor and underemployed in this country and the whole world over. In fact, I'd feed him a meal he would really enjoy. I'd make our ersatz cowboy, don't forget he was born in New England after all and not Texas, a red neck meal that would delight his stupid ass. I'd open can after can of Vienna Sausages and pork and beans, and I'd serve those two items with loaves of white bread. I'd let him wash all that food down with Red Eye after Red Eye (A Red Eye is a beer that has tomato juice mixed in with it.). I'd keep shoving the bad food and the Red Eye's at him until he became bloated and nauseous and then when it looked like he might vomit, I'd assist him to the most disgusting gas station restroom with broken overflowing toilets I could find and I'd hold his head down in the toilet bowl while he puked his guts up. I'd keep his face near the water as he finished retching and I'd then recite the name of every person killed in the wars of terror on Iraq and Afghanistan as he breathed in the stench of his own vile bile and other people's excrement. Then after that, if he was game, I'd invite Dick Cheney over for a meal so he could apologize as well. And maybe I'd invite Rumsfeld too and the rest of that gang of thugs who got our country to attack a sovereign nation that had not attacked us first.

Thanks for sending in that great question Austin!

Question of the day

Today's question comes to us from the frozen north. MNMom has a health related question: As I age, I seem to be shrinking! I've lost 1/4 inch off my already hobbit-like 5'2" frame. How can this be stopped and how can I blame George W. Bush?Well MNMom, I'm afraid I have bad news. The only way to stop shrinking is to die and we don't want you to go this early in the game.

Don't despair though! There are advantages to being "hobbit like."

1. You get hit last when things fall from above because the falling objects usually hit the taller people.
2. You don't have to play basketball anymore.
3. You have a low center of gravity, which will come in handy if you ever get into a fight or if the earth spins off it's axis.
4. You can earn extra money at War on Christmas time by hiring yourself out as an elf.
5. If needs be, we can stuff you into a duffel bag and smuggle you places.
6. You can start a second career as a jockey.
7. You'll never hit your head on ceiling fans.
8. If there is ever a "tall tax" levied, you'll be exempt.

As for how you can blame Bush Jr. for your shrinkage, he did cut funds for the Department of Health and the NIH. Both of which could have given grant money to a mad scientist who might have worked on way to stimulate growth in women who are aging. So, yeah, it's that prick's fault you are now so tiny that you are often mistaken for a sexy little garden gnome.

Thanks for sending in that great question!

I still need a couple more queries to finsh out the month of questions. Send me your questions via email to monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com.

Question a day

Today's question comes to us from Distributor Cap. D-Cap, or as he is known to his friends, "Mr. Excitement," sent in this question: We are heading into severe economic turmoil, what do you suggest the country and individuals do to soften the blow and make life as palatable as possible during this rough economic era?

Excellent question sir! And you are indeed correct, we are heading for a prolonged down turn in our economic fortunes. The "boom" years of the Bush Junta are about to come to an ignominious end due in part the funding the endless wars of terror in Iraq and Afghanistan, the sub prime housing crisis (which only became a crisis in the eyes of the media and the idiots in Washington DC when banks saw how much money they stood to lose), and our mindless rapacious unsustainable consumerism.

We can do the following things as a nation to soften the blow:

• End the war this second and get out of Iraq and Afghanistan.
• Close every tax loophole for the wealthy and tax them at rates comparable to the tax rates in Europe and Britain.
• End corporate welfare and all tax breaks for large corporations.

We then take all the money that we were spending on the wars of terror and we reinvest that money in rebuilding our crumbling national infrastructure, in college scholarships for low income students, and in art and music programs in elementary, middle, and high schools across the country. We then take all that new tax money and we invest it in small "Mom and Pop" owned businesses, alternative sustainable energy sources, and community owned and operated organic farms.

We should also legalize hemp production in this country. Food, fuel, clothing, and many other useful items can be made out of hemp and it's a crime that fields lay fallow in this nation when they could be used for growing hemp. We need to stop importing hemp and start growing it ourselves.

Things we can do as individuals are:

• Stop consuming so much and live more sustainably.
• Stop taking on more debt.
• Stop trying to live the life the corporate media says you should live.
• Stop patronizing the multi national corporations who are killing us and our planet.
• Break up every multi national corporation.
• Vote out all incumbents.

And if Bush/Cheney and their gang of thugs tries to stay in power past their Constitutionally mandated time, we should take to the streets and begin a rebellion against them and their corporate overlords.

Actually, if we all did those things during good economic times then we'd be doing ourselves, our planet, and future generations of people a world of good.

Thanks for that question D-Cap!

Send me your burning questions all this month and I'll answer one a day. Send your questions to monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com.

Question a day

Today's question comes to us from one of my blog heroes, the lovely and talented Johnny Yen. Johnny is part of the axis of Midwest bloggers that may one day rule the earth until the simian takeover. Johnny wants to know: Which game show host was cheesier: John Davidson or Bert Convy?
As a viewer of game shows since I was a young monkling I've seen both of these men at work hosting game shows. Both men started out as actors and both rose to fame as a result of doing parts in popular musicals, Convy was in Cabaret and Davidson was in Oklahoma! However as soon as Convy hit the big time and began hosting game shows he stopped singing professionally. Davidson did not. He continued to sing and record albums and tour in dinner theatre productions of varying quality.

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Based purely on memory of both of their hosting skills, I'd have to give the edge on the cheesy scale to Davidson. He was enamored with himself and with his dimples and it showed on every episode of every game show he hosted. He exuded smarm. Convy just seemed nice and happy to be there earning a paycheck in a job that gave him a bit of celebrity.

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Sadly Bert is no longer with us, he died of a brain tumor a few years back. And sadly John Davidson is still singing and playing his guitar. He and his wife, in addition to staying alive, have also founded a game company. Evidently they design games that teach geography, although there is no truth to the rumor that they know where in the world Carmen San Diego is at this moment.

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Thanks for your question Johnny!

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Has there been a question on your mind lately? Well,email it to me and I'll answer it. Send your questions to me at monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com. I'll be answering one a day all month long.

Question of the day

Today's question comes to us from Blind "Mississippi Hand Job" Johnson. Blind had someone send in this query: "Recently, I went blind from masturbating, is there any way I can get my sight back?" First off Blind, it was pretty fortuitous that your parents named you "Blind," seeing (pun intended) as how you went blind and all.


Second, were you masturbating while watching someone doing some arc welding or something? Is that why you went blind? Or maybe you tossed lye in your eyes when you climaxed? Because I got to tell ya guy, I've had a long history of "roughing up my suspect" and I never went blind because of it. In fact, if I hadn't "dusted the demon" all those times I would have went blind from the back log of baby batter in my once youthful loins.


Finally Blind, I don't see much hope of you regaining your sight. So I suggest that you dig deep in the spank bank in your head and you flog your log as much as you like. Why not, the damage has been done so you might as well have some fun.


Thanks for sending in your question Blind! I hope someone with a very sexy voice reads you my reply!


I'm taking most any question on most any topic all month long. Send in your burning questions to monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com. I'm answering questions in the order in which they were sent so if I have not gotten to your question yet, hang in there I'll get to it soon.

Question a day

(Click to enlarge picture.)

Today's question comes to us from Beth over at A Cup of Coffey. Beth wants to know, "How are things in Tennessee?"

Things are good thanks.

Thanks for sending in your question Beth!

Have a question you've always wanted to know an answer to? Well, send it right on in to me here at the blog. I'm answering one question a day all month long during January. Send in your question via email to me and I'll do my best to answer it. Send those questions to monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com. I've got a few days worth of questions yet to answer but I need more so don't be shy, send me your questions!

Question of the day

The question of the day comes to us from Josh over at Boxer Rebellion. In between teaching, caring for his dog, and cooking up a storm, he managed to find time to shoot this question to me over the series of tubes known as teh interwebs: If the answer to the meaning of life is 42, what is the question?

The question was "What was the best summer ever?" And of course the answer was Summer of '42. It started as a novel and it became a movie starring the lovely Jennifer O'Neil. How could a summer where a young guy gets laid by a hot experienced older gal not be the best summer ever? I'm not sure how your first time went but mine was lousy. I was drunk, the gal I did it with had been dumped by her husband earlier that day, he left her for a man. By the time she decided I was going to do her in order to make herself feel better I was three sheets to the wind. I'm not sure I even put it in the right place but it didn't matter anyway because I lasted about 30 seconds. I felt horrible about it as soon as we, I mean I, finished and I rolled off that gal and I stumbled downstairs and passed out in the living room floor.

I can only imagine how much better it might have been with Jennifer in Summer of '42 style. Jennifer would be patient and understanding and she'd guide me into manhood with grace and some hot monkey lovin.' She and I would have rocked that house on that windswept beach.
Ahhh Jennifer, you made 42 the best number ever. Thanks hon.

Thanks for your question Josh!

I'm taking your questions one at a time one day at a time all January long. Send your question on any topic to monkeymuck(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll answer it in the order it was received.

Question of the day

Today's question of the day comes to us from Stephanie S. Steph, do you mind if I call you "Steph" Stephanie?, asks: If there was one little known yet important historical event that you could make all Americans aware of, what would it be?


I'd pick the shameful events of Sept. 11, 1973 and it's aftermath.

Nixon and Kissinger gave their tacit approval for the overthrow of the legally elected and popular President of Chile Salvador Allende and on 9-11-1973 the Chilean military under Augusto Pinochet murdered Allende. Pinochet then began a campaign of torture and repression that lasted for years and years. Under Pinochet's regime people who opposed his views were systematically kidnapped, tortured, and murdered.


The question then is why did Pinochet do all this mayhem and murder with the approval and help of the Nixon administration? The answer is that it was done to force a disastrous economic system down the throats of Chileans. This economic system was the brainchild of Milton Friedman and his cronies at the University of Chicago. Chile under Allende was too socialist in their view and there was not enough foreign, i.e. American, corporations doing business in the country, or so Friedman believed. They convinced Pinochet to cut social spending to the bone, to open up all markets to American and European corporations, and to cut price controls on things like food and utilities. They also saw to it that most every business and industry that the Chilean government owned was sold off and privatized.


The people did not want any of this. They wanted Allende and his program of modified socialism. So Pinochet had to use force and torture and intimidation and murder to get the Chicago School plan implemented. Nixon and Kissinger and American corporations like Ford Motor Company and ITT all helped Pinochet rape, murder, torture, and terrorize his people.


The whole sordid story has been laid out in full detail in Naomi Klein's new book The Shock Doctrine. I'm about half way through it and I highly recommend it. I'm not kidding when i say it's probably one of the most important books I have ever read.


Thanks for sending in that question Steph!

I'm answering one question every day in January so send in what ever question you might have. I answer most anything as long as you send it in via email to me at monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom.

Question of the day

Today's question comes from Rev. John Shuck who writes Shuck and Jive, if you have never read John's blog it's a lot of fun, especially the comments he gets from right wing conservative Christians who hate his progressive take on Christianity and all things religious. (I'll admit to goading a few of those close minded folks over there every now and again, so I hope your boss and celestial homeboy Jesus doesn't get too mad at me for doing that John.)

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Anyhoo, John's question is: What is your favorite Ann Coulter fantasy?

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Okay, I need to make sure we all are straight on a few things before I can answer this question.

1) I do not in any way find Ann Coulter attractive so I have no sexual fantasies about her. She is too skinny for my tastes and her skin looks papery, like the skin of a vampire. Her figure is too bony and angular for me, I like a gal with curves and meat on her bones, and as the kids today say, with "a little junk in her trunk." Heroin/Holocaust chic just does not get it done for the monkey man. 2) While I disagree with everything she says, I do not hate her nor do I wish that she suffer any injury or a slow painful death. I don't want to shut her up. I've grown fond of the degree of free speech we still have in this country so I'll gladly let her have her say, just so long as I get to do the same. I'm not about shutting anyone up, even Ann, I'm all about getting more voices into the mix.
So, my answer to your question John is, my favorite Ann Coulter fantasy would be that she would wake up today and have a civil tone to her rhetoric. In my fantasy she tones down her outrageous statements that she makes just to get attention and she begins to have more intelligent cogent points to back up her arguments. Then as other pundits notice how much nicer, though not any different politically, she has become, they all start to become nicer too and as a result our national political debate stops being so shrill and divisive and it starts to bring people together.

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Great question John! Thanks for sending it in.

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Do you have a question about food? Sports? Politics? Movies? TV? History? Interpretive dance? Pre-Cambrian plant life? Card or board games? Improv Comedy? Anything at all? Well then don't be shy, I'm answering one question a day all January long here on the blog. Send your questions to monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom and I'll answer them in the order I get them. I need many more questions to answer folks, so keep sending them in, even if you have already sent one, send in another. And I'm hoping against hope that my Canadian and British readers will get off their duffs and send in questions.

Question of the day

Today's question of the day comes to us from Freida Bee. Freida wants to know: What can a person do if he or she finds him or herself too sexy for his or her shirt?

Great question Freida! And wouldn't you know it this is something that I have struggled with for years, being too sexy for my shirt. As you can see in the photo below, I was way too sexy for my shirt, so I just took it off.

Of course since I took my shirt off I can't get service in most restaurants, banks, grocery stores, and when it gets cold out my man nips do tend to get a bit blue. But that is the price one must pay for being such a sexy beast as me. When you become a big celebrity though, none of that applies and many celebs routinely walk around topless and no one complains. For instance Sarah Michelle Gellar was too sexy for her shirt so she took it off in 2005 and rarely wears one at all now.
Since Salma Hayek is nursing and since she has been declared by the United Nations as far too sexy for any shirt that has ever been, or will ever be, made, she is now topless all the time.And Michelle Marsh decided that she will follow my brave example and she will go topless for as long as she lives.
So the answer is, if you feel like you are too sexy for your shirt and if you are comfortable with being topless in a crowd or around just one person, especially if that other person is me, then go right ahead and peel off that shirt and let that sexiness shine through.

Thanks for sending in that super question Freida!

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I'm answering questions in the order they were sent so if you have not seen your question answered yet, don't despair. I've got about a weeks worth of questions left so I need more questions sent in. Please send your burning queries to me via email and I'll answer one a day all January long.

Question of the day

Today's question is from Samurai Frog. Samurai Frog asks, "What we all want to know:
Betty or Veronica?"
Most excellent question Samurai, excellent indeed. While my love for brunette women is known by regular readers of this blog, all the women I have had long term relationships with have been brunettes and of course I have a thing for Salma Hayek and the gal who played Jane on the BBC show Coupling, I have to pick Betty. Veronica is from a rich snooty family and I always thought she led Archie around by his "nose," if you know what I mean. Ms. Lodge is a shallow, vain, wealth obsessed twat.

But Betty on the other hand exudes that girl next door sexiness. She seems nice and eager to please, willing to go the extra mile to keep her man happy. I grew up reading the Archie line of comics and I was a mere slip of a lad when Sugar, Sugar by the Archie's was a top ten hit and during all that time I carried a torch for Betty.

As for the recent "face lift" all the Archie comics characters got, I, like most people. despise the way the new Betty and Veronica look. In a stupid attempt to make them "hip" and "modern" looking they have eviscerated what made them cute and enjoyable to read. Sometimes change is a bad thing, especially when it comes to redrawing timeless comic book characters.

Thanks for the question Samurai!

Send in your questions all month long to me via email and I'll answer one a day. Email them to monkeymuckATgmailDOTcom. I'll answer questions on most any topic as long as you send them in to me via email.