Thank you Canada

Thanks for a great 21st winter Olympiad Canada. You cats pulled it off nicely and with great aplomb. But to those countrymen and women of yours who were disparaged the games coming to your fine country, I say, "Up yours, eh."

Congratulations on a fine set of games, all those gold medals you finally won on your home soil, and for being such gracious hosts. You folks did it up right. Sochi, Russia will be hard pressed to top your games.

The USA's greatest ever winter Olympian

Sure Apolo Ohno has the most winter Olympic medals but in my book he's not the greatest American winter Olympian. And no, it's not Bonnie Blair either.

The greatest winter Olympian the USA has ever produced is speed skater Jack Shea.
Yep. He's the greatest ever and most of you have never heard of him. What makes him so great you wonder, well hang on and I'll tell you.

Young Jack Shea was a member of the 1932 American speed skating team and the winter games that year were held in his home town of Lake Placid, NY. Jack trained hard year round and was roundly mocked for it. But his training paid off in spades when the speed skating races began. Shea smoked his competitors in both the races he was allowed to skate in. If he had been allowed to skate in the other speed skating races, American Olympians were only allowed to compete in two individual events back in the '20's and '30's, most assuredly Shea would have won those as well. His training regimen was legendary and his skating was flawless. And not only was he a fast skater, he was a nice guy as well.

But winning two gold medals back in the 1932 games alone doesn't qualify him for greatness. It's what he did after those games that make him the greatest American winter Olympian ever.

In 1932, as you'll remember if you know the slightest thing about American history, our country was mired in what was known as the Great Depression. And back then there were no endorsement deals for Olympic athletes, in fact if Olympians had any sort of job at all it was frowned upon. So after the games Shea had to go to work. And work he did, while raising a family that loved it's winter sports.

In 1960 the winter games came back to the USA, they were held at Squaw Valley in California. And in those games on the USA ski team was the son of Jack Shea. Sadly he didn't win a medal but he did have the honor of competing for the USA just like his father had.

So he won two gold medals and his son was an Olympian as well. No bad. But we're not done yet.

In 1980 the winter games came back to Lake Placid and Jack Shea was instrumental in bringing the games back to his home town. Unfortunately they weren't as a big a success that time around but that's not Shea's fault.

So he wins two gold medals, his son skis in the 1960 games, and he helps bring the games to Lake Placid once more. All great achievements but there one more jewel in Shea's crown.

In 2002 the games came to America once more, this time to Salt Lake City. And in those games Shea's grandson Jim rode his sled in the skeleton races. And he rode that sled with a picture of his late grandfather, Jack Shea died just before the Salt Lake games began, in his uniform. So not only were his genes in the last Olympics held in the USA, his image was as well.
And those genes did well in Salt Lake because Jim Shea slid to gold in the skeleton event and he dedicated his medal to his late grandfather, the greatest winter Olympian the USA has ever produced.

When Apolo Ohno's kid is in the Olympics, when he helps bring the games back to the USA, and if his grandkid wins a gold medal in those games then he'll tie Jack Shea for the title of 'Greatest USA winter Olympian' of all time. But until those days arrive, he can't touch Jack Shea's Olympic legacy.

Canadian of the year

Bronze medalist in Ladies Figure Skating
Joannie Rochette is Canadian of the year up to this point.
After losing her mother to a massive heart attack on Sunday she went out and skated the lights out on Tuesday and almost skated flawlessly last night. She skated her way to the bronze medal and she skated her way into our hearts here at Monkey Central.

Well done Joannie, well done indeed.

The IOC can suck it

The International Olympic Committee, some of the biggest whores for corporate cash this planet has ever seen, tells ski goggle manufacturer UVEX that they can't say in their advertising that gold medal skier Lindsey Vonn uses their product.
What a crock of shit. Those bastards at the IOC would stomp a new born baby's head in if they thought it would bring them some corporate cash and more sponsorships. The stinking hypocrites must not be getting enough cash kick backs from Uvex so they want to stop them from cashing in a bit on Vonn's celebrity.

If you've read my blog for just about any length of time you know I love to stir the pot and to stick it to the corporate man. So this next sentence is for the asswipes at the IOC:

Olympic gold medalist Lindsey Vonn uses Uvex ski goggles. She used them when she won both gold and bronze at the 21st winter Olympic games in Vancouver.

If you anyone from the IOC doesn't like this post then I encourage you to do something about it. If you'd like to sue me, then please, by all means, let's get it on.

Love/hate

I love the Olympics.

I especially love the winter Olympics because they are inherently more dangerous than the summer ones.

I love seeing obscure athletes in obscure sports get their moment in the sun. I love it that guys like Johnny Weir get fans. I love it that snowboarding chicks get to step into the glare of the worldwide spotlight. I love it that curling and speed skating get noticed every four years.

I love seeing the underdog win. I love it when people from countries not usually thought of as Olympic powerhouses beat the favorites. I love it when there are huge upsets and when people who NBC touts as locks for medals get beat.

I could care less if you like the Olympics or not. Seriously. I mean it. So there's no reason to leave me a comment telling me you don't like the games or that you're boycotting them for whatever reason. If you don't like the games then that's your deal. Mine is that I love the games and I'll push them and write about them and gush about them if I like. And I do like.

But I don't like everything about the games.

I hate the corporate take over of the games. And I'm not really a fan of letting pro athletes take part in them.

I hate Bob Costas and his smarmy jingoistic bullshit commentary. I hate his smug demeanor when he rhapsodizes about how the athletes from the USA are going to kick ass, but I love it when he's proven wrong.

I hate it that NBC cuts away from an event if there is not an American in the medal event. I hate the emphasis on only American athletes. There are many great athletes from other countries and there are a ton of stories about them that are begging to be told.

I like Apollo Ohno, but I'm sick and fucking tired of stories about him. Give it a fucking rest NBC.

I normally don't watch figure skating but I know the people who do it, as well as ice dancing, are some of the strongest most athletic people in the world. And I'll watch both the figure skating and ice dancing in the Olympics but by the end of the two weeks, I've had enough to last me for four years. Same goes for Scott Hamilton. Holy shit guy, how long can you ride that gold medal you won in 1984? Dude, give it a rest and retire already. Go coach. Just get off my TV.

I have a suggestion for all those of you who hate the Olympics, don't watch them. They're only on for two weeks every four years, so I'm sure you can find something else to watch. And to hate on. And feel free to skip telling me how much you hate the games because you're not into sports or because of your political philosophy.

The parade of Canadian cuteness continues!

Congratulations to Maelle Ricker for being one of the cutest Canadian women ever and also for bringing home the gold medal in women's snowboard cross!
You kicked ass with class Miss Ricker. And the fact that you won gold in your home country must be pretty sweet especially when you consider that you got knocked out cold in the same event back in 2006 in Torino.

Well done Maelle, well done indeed.

Good job!

Well done Alexandre Bilodeau!You were the first Canadian to win Olympic gold on your country's home soil. For all your hard work and for finally breaking the curse you should be given a life time supply of Canadian bacon, ketchup, poutine, and Moosehead beer. You should also get to light any and all Olympic cauldrons in Canada in the future. And you should also be allowed to mate with Catriona Le May Doan in an effort to create a Canadian Olympic super race that will one day dominate worldwide sporting events.

I declare this blog to be...

...the unofficial blog of the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics. That's right. Deal with it.

Attenion citizens of Vancouver, Canada!

The winter Olympics in your fair city begin in just a few days. To sure you're all at tip top condition and putting the best face on your fine city please make sure you can answer all 12 of the following questions in the affirmative for the duration of the games.

The world is watching you Vancouver, so please be the best North Ameri-CANS you can be, and don't be grumpy unclean North Ameri-CAN'Ts!

That sporting life

So Mark McGwire finally came out and said what everybody and his dead mother already knew, he used steroids during his career and most importantly during his chase of Roger Maris's single season home run record. Hang on though, didn't he deny using steroids in his testimony before Congress?

Ummm, yeah he did. So he's not only a cheater, he's a fucking liar as well. And now he wants everybody to like him because he finally came a little cleaner? Bullshit. You're a stinking cheater Mark and you deserve to never be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Your single season home run record was a sham and you're a despicable twat for cheating and lying. Millions of baseball and sports fans looked up to you and you let them down. And when your brother came out and told the truth about you, you tossed him under the metaphorical bus because you still clung to that slim hope that you might go into the Hall of Fame.

You're a slimy piece of shit McGwire and you're not fit to be mentioned in the same sentence with Roger Maris. You owe his family, sports fans, and the whole world an apology for your lies and cheating. And you ought to give away all your possessions that baseball brought you and you should hit the fucking road and beg people in trailer parks to allow you to clean their toilets. Go on, do it, and take your lying manager Tony Larussa with you.

Yo, Pete Carroll, smart move getting out of USC and going to the Seahawks guy. You're getting out of town right before the shit hits the fan at USC over the dirt you've been bringing in over the years. Seriously, you made the right choice. It was jump now or be faced with the punishment for all the rules you broke while coaching at the University of Spoiled Children. Way to teach all the young kids out there an important lesson you maggot, way to teach them the important thing in life is to abandon your messes and never take any responsibility for your actions.

Dude, you're going to fit right in in Seattle. That passel of coffee swilling phonies up there is already used to having a shitty NFL team coached by an egotistical also ran, Mike Holmgren, so they know what their in for with you. Hey Petey, when you fuck things up in Seattle and it looks like you're about to have to face up to your cheating or what not, you can always jump to the Canadian Football League or perhaps you can try your sweaty slimy hand at coaching women's roller derby.

No screed about cheaters and slime balls in sports would be complete without a mention of University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari.

Hey John, you accomplished the impossible did you know that? Yeah, you did. You made people hate Bobby Knight less than they did before. How did you do it? Well, it's actually nothing you did. It's more what Bobby Knight said. He said something that I actually agree with, and that's pretty hard when you consider Knight said if a woman is getting raped she should lay back and enjoy it, he said that you should be held accountable for all the troubles you left in your former employers in. You've been a big time college coach at more than one school and every time you leave to go to another one the school you left is hit with NCAA sanctions. But you must have a Teflon sweat suit Johnny boy because none of the punishments ever splashed over on you. Dude, you're a hero to, to, wait for it, to Pete Carroll.

But to everyone else you're a slimeball coach, not a basketball coach. You broke rules and you never got caught but your former schools got hit with punishments after you left them high and dry. What's that noise that's pounding in your brain you ask? It's the sound of Adolph Rupp spinning in his grave while you're coaching his Wildcats. Guy, you're not fit sniff the soiled underwear they buried the late Adolph Rupp in. Hell man, you're not fit to sniff the panties of the chick who Rick Pitino fooled around with while he was married.

It's a good thing the freakin' Olympics are a few weeks off because I'm sick and tired of hearing about douchebags, cheaters, liars, and steroid users in sports. And we all know that no one connected to the Olympics ever engaged in any douchebag behavior (Bode Miller), cheated (French figure skating judges), lied (jingoistic NBC announcers), or used steroids (East German female swimmers).

Here's a gentle reminder to all Olympic atheletes on their way to Vancouver

Don't forget to pack your essentials!
This post was brought to you by Lance Armstrong.

Olympic profiles (Norwegians with huge balls edition)

Last week the Olympic torch was lit and it's making it's way to Vancouver for the 2010 winter games. The custom for many years has been to light the torch on Mount Olympus in Greece, the home of the Olympic games, and then do a relay for months on end until it reaches it's the home country of where ever the games are being held. However in 1952 the Norwegians in Oslo wanted no truck with tradition and they boldly flouted it. According to the Olympic website, "A symbolic flame was lit in the hearth of the Morgedal House in Norway, birthplace of Sondre Norheim, the great pioneer of modern skiing, and then relayed solely by skiers to Oslo."

Jeebus love 'em, those Norwegians stuck a log in the fireplace of the father of modern skiing and off they went. Ya gotta love some rule breakin' Scandinavian folks.

On a personal note, the poster for these games is one of my favorite Olympic posters ever. Compared to this one, the one for the Lillehammer games of 1994 looks wimpy.

Olympic profiles

Vancouver is bringing twenty five million kinds of cute with their mascots for the 2010 winter Olympiad. Well played my Canadian friends, well played indeed.

Special note to any of my Canadian readers, any swag with these cute little critters on it would be much appreciated. I'm a huge Olympics fan and even though I've never been there, I love Vancouver.

Dear Dorothy,

Get well real soon.


And remember, I'll still have a crush on you no matter happens with your breast cancer treatment.


Sincerely yours,

Doctor Monkey

Screw the summer games, let's skip to Vancouver right now!

After seeing these cool ass mascots, I'm ready for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics!
I've never been to an Olympiad but maybe I'll get lucky and get to go to this one. I'm sure the Olympics are a thousand times better in person mainly because one wouldn't have to listen to Bob Costas drone on and on and on and on.

8 things Katie (and most everybody else) didn't know about me

This is the second on the trifecta of meems Kategirl tagged me with. I didn't want to do it, but I am powerless against her girly charms.

1. Sorry Katie, but you are not the first Jewish gal I've had a crush on. The first to have that (dis)honor would be the Kessler sisters of Howell, Michigan. The Kesslers lived down the road from us and my sister Sandy was best friends with Susan Kessler. I was 11 and she was 15 and oh boy did I have a crush on her. She was the cutest thing I had ever seen in a bikini, that is until I saw her sisters in theirs. Her sisters were Janice, who was one year older than Susan, and Nancy, who was the oldest of the three. I dug Susan for her looks, Janice for her looks and her sense of humor, and Nancy because she was the eldest, was so nice to me, and was so quiet, but she was quiet in a "she would rock your world if you ever got ahold of her" way. We moved down south before I could ever act on my crushes and so that means that I will always remember them as they were in 1973, young, pretty, bubbly, and so much fun to be around.

2. The universe self corrected my life for me when I was 18. I had signed up to go into the when I graduated high school. I had chosen my job, which was in communications, and was supposed to serve a 6 year hitch. A few months before I was due to report to some base in Texas for basic training I was at home in Bristol, TN and I had smoked just smoked a big ass joint with my cousin. I decided I was going to show off and slide down the banister. So I jumped on it and proceeded to slide but when I saw the newell post fast approaching I jumped off, when I put my left hand up against the window at the bottom of the stairs to stop myself from falling, my arm went through the glass, was gashed open to the bone, and when I pulled myself off the window I made the gash bigger. I staggered outside as blood poured from my arm. A neighbor guy who saw what was going on came running across the street and he clamped his hands on my arm and he stopped the blood from spurting so bad. He stayed there holding my arm until the ambulance got there and took me to the hospital. I never got a chance to thank him properly, but dude if you are reading this, then thanks, I owe my life to you.

A couple of days later a couple of guys from the Air Force came to see me in the hospital. They took one look at my arm and said thanks but no thanks, we don't want you anymore. So I went to college instead and my life is much richer and better because I did so. Sometimes horrible accidents have a way of working out in the long run. I probably would have been kicked out of the Air Force anyway because I would not have been able to take orders from idiots.

3. I love the Olympics but I love the winter Olympics more than the summer games because the potential for seeing someone get a serious injury and or die accidently is much higher in the winter games. Therefore I admire winter Olympians more than summer Olympians. I can tell you the host city for every Winter Olympiad staring with the first one in Chamonix, France. Even though I love the winter Olympics I can not for the life of me ice skate, snowboard, or ski. Go figure.
4. My girlfriend and I were standing in the check out line at Barnes and Noble one day after Brokeback Mountain had been released. It was busy as hell and there were all kinds of people in line and others running around in the store within ear shot of me.I turned to look at my girlfriend and I said in my best Jake Gyllenhaal cowboy voice, "I wish I knew how to quit you."

We laugh about it now but if she had a gun when I said it, she would have shot me, I just know it.

5. I'm an idiot sometimes. It took me almost six weeks to get a joke that I told night after night in a play I was doing. I delivered the line the same way night after night and I could not for the life of me see why people laughed. Then one night it dawned on me and I felt like I was the biggest idiot in the world for not getting it sooner. It was good thing I didn't tell a certain woman in the cast that I was so stupid or she might not have gone out with me and I'd be all alone now.

6. Just because I am paranoid that doesn't mean people aren't trying to wipe out all traces of me from planet earth. The hospital I was born in was torn down and both Major League Baseball stadiums I've been to, Tiger Stadium in Detroit and Atlanta Fulton County Stadium in Atlanta, have been torn down.

7. One of elementary schools I went to in Detroit was named Warren G. Harding Elementary. Harding was universally thought of by historians as the worst President we ever had, until we got saddled with Bush that is.

8. I won an essay contest in high school. My prize for winning was I got to go on a week long trip to New York city. That was over 30 years ago and I still remember every detail vividly. Most of the other kids on that trip hated NYC and they could not wait to leave. I on the other hand loved it. I felt right at home and if I could have gotten away with it, I would have stayed there for the rest of my life. I also got to see Washington DC, Philadelphia, Gettysburg, and Niagra Falls on that trip. Those few weeks were some of the best times I ever had in my life.

I think I am supposed to tag 8 people, but I think most all you have done this one. So I will just tag Kelsi and Fran because I don't know all that much about them. So have at it ladies and let me know when you get it done, if you decide to do it that is.