Tuesday, January 12, 2010

That sporting life

So Mark McGwire finally came out and said what everybody and his dead mother already knew, he used steroids during his career and most importantly during his chase of Roger Maris's single season home run record. Hang on though, didn't he deny using steroids in his testimony before Congress?

Ummm, yeah he did. So he's not only a cheater, he's a fucking liar as well. And now he wants everybody to like him because he finally came a little cleaner? Bullshit. You're a stinking cheater Mark and you deserve to never be in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Your single season home run record was a sham and you're a despicable twat for cheating and lying. Millions of baseball and sports fans looked up to you and you let them down. And when your brother came out and told the truth about you, you tossed him under the metaphorical bus because you still clung to that slim hope that you might go into the Hall of Fame.

You're a slimy piece of shit McGwire and you're not fit to be mentioned in the same sentence with Roger Maris. You owe his family, sports fans, and the whole world an apology for your lies and cheating. And you ought to give away all your possessions that baseball brought you and you should hit the fucking road and beg people in trailer parks to allow you to clean their toilets. Go on, do it, and take your lying manager Tony Larussa with you.

Yo, Pete Carroll, smart move getting out of USC and going to the Seahawks guy. You're getting out of town right before the shit hits the fan at USC over the dirt you've been bringing in over the years. Seriously, you made the right choice. It was jump now or be faced with the punishment for all the rules you broke while coaching at the University of Spoiled Children. Way to teach all the young kids out there an important lesson you maggot, way to teach them the important thing in life is to abandon your messes and never take any responsibility for your actions.

Dude, you're going to fit right in in Seattle. That passel of coffee swilling phonies up there is already used to having a shitty NFL team coached by an egotistical also ran, Mike Holmgren, so they know what their in for with you. Hey Petey, when you fuck things up in Seattle and it looks like you're about to have to face up to your cheating or what not, you can always jump to the Canadian Football League or perhaps you can try your sweaty slimy hand at coaching women's roller derby.

No screed about cheaters and slime balls in sports would be complete without a mention of University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari.

Hey John, you accomplished the impossible did you know that? Yeah, you did. You made people hate Bobby Knight less than they did before. How did you do it? Well, it's actually nothing you did. It's more what Bobby Knight said. He said something that I actually agree with, and that's pretty hard when you consider Knight said if a woman is getting raped she should lay back and enjoy it, he said that you should be held accountable for all the troubles you left in your former employers in. You've been a big time college coach at more than one school and every time you leave to go to another one the school you left is hit with NCAA sanctions. But you must have a Teflon sweat suit Johnny boy because none of the punishments ever splashed over on you. Dude, you're a hero to, to, wait for it, to Pete Carroll.

But to everyone else you're a slimeball coach, not a basketball coach. You broke rules and you never got caught but your former schools got hit with punishments after you left them high and dry. What's that noise that's pounding in your brain you ask? It's the sound of Adolph Rupp spinning in his grave while you're coaching his Wildcats. Guy, you're not fit sniff the soiled underwear they buried the late Adolph Rupp in. Hell man, you're not fit to sniff the panties of the chick who Rick Pitino fooled around with while he was married.

It's a good thing the freakin' Olympics are a few weeks off because I'm sick and tired of hearing about douchebags, cheaters, liars, and steroid users in sports. And we all know that no one connected to the Olympics ever engaged in any douchebag behavior (Bode Miller), cheated (French figure skating judges), lied (jingoistic NBC announcers), or used steroids (East German female swimmers).


Anonymous said...

Flame on Dr. Monkey!

That was snarktacular invective and rantastic spew pointed in the right direction.

It will be awesome watching 'SC implode even further next year!

Anonymous said...

Crazy Playsheet Toupee Guy! I wonder how many people have seen that Adam Sandler thing? We do that schtick all the time, for everything.

Wings said...

Not much on the behind the scenes sports stuff myself, but I am in agreement with you where McGwire is concerned. Too little, too late.

Margaret Benbow said...

I'd bet that most of the sports press and also fans with eyes that could see, suspected McGuire's steroid use while it was going on: a guy with a normal frame and normal batting achievements suddenly bulks up like Bluto, with brand new gorilla arms and shoulders, and starts hitting them out of the park...oh yes: the reporters knew.

DrGoat said...

Agree completely. I remember when Mcquire got all indignent and puffed up when they called him on his steroid use. Now he wants to be a pitching coach, so we're supposed to forgive him. I love the way you can just apologize for the lying, cheating asshole that you are in this country and come out smelling like a rose. (Politicians included)

Bustednuckles said...

Nice fucking rant and well deserved on all accounts.