How to tell if you're trapped in an Elvis Costello song

• You tease, you flirt, you shine all the buttons on your green shirt.
• You're the legendary hitchhiker and you know 'where it's at.'
• You have a spooky girlfriend.
• You're a waitress named Teresa who is now known as Juanita.
• You're a dead Italian tourist.
• You're just a shabby doll behind a green elevator door.
• You felt a chill before the winter came.
• You mind is made up but your mouth is undone.
• You don't speak any English but you do speak American with out tears.
• You're somebody's baby with a brand new hairdo and you look fine.
• You're a little sister who likes to try on your big sister's clothes.
• You're a boy with a problem.
• You seriously do not want to go to Chelsea.
• You want to pump it up.
• You bay for the boy in the tiger skin trunks.
• You have a science fiction twin.
• You sit in your favorite chair very quiet and still while you lose what's left of your mind.
• You never asked me what I wanted, you only asked me why.
• You select the plainest face from a spiteful row of girls.
• You don't know how to be dumb.
• You gave me a poisoned rose that I could not throw away.
• The angels wanna wear your red shoes.
• One of these days you're gonna pay it back, pay it back.
• You and your sister are doing it again.
• You traded in your baby for a Chevrolet.
• All the pretty girls call your name and they love the filthy way you talk.
• You hope I'm happy now.

Conversation snippets

I just got off the phone with the "customer service" people at Charter Cable. One of the women I talked to was a woman who said that she understood how frustrated I was. I told her, "Miss, you have no idea how frustrated I am."

She shot back, "Yes I do."

I said, "These outages have been going on for months, so you have no idea how frustrated I am over all this mess."

"Yes I do sir," she said.

I said, "No, you don't know how I feel."

She insisted, "Yes, I do."

"Stop contradicting me," I told her.

"I'm not."

"Yes you are!"

"No, I'm not."

I asked, "Do you know what the word contradict means?"

"Yes."

"No, I don't think you do."

"Yes I do sir."

I felt like I was trapped in this Monty Python sketch:

After she hung up on me I took many deep breaths to try to cleanse my mind and body of her corporate idiocy. I don't think it worked too well yet.