It's time for another episode of 'My Dad's a Raccoon'!

I always loved my dad and after he pissed off those sorcerers and witches by evicting them from the broom closet at nuclear power plant and they turned him into a raccoon, I love him even more!

Since he can't work anymore, he's always home when I get off the bus.

"Hi dad!"
"Chee chee, chee, chee."
I never know what he's saying but I'm pretty sure he's telling me he loves me.

Dad's a scamp at dinner time.  He's always bugging me to let him on the table so he can eat and then pee and poop all over our supper!  I usually give him some liquor and before he gets shitfaced and passes out, he's pretty entertaining, especially when he tries to hump our cat Mr. Binky.

 He loves 'helping' mom with the bills.  He chatters up a storm when he sees how much she spends on dresses, ribbons, bows, and prescription pills every month, but what can he do?  Mom's hooking pays the bills now and if she needs pain pills to deaden the pain in her soul, then more power to her.  And seriously, she has to look nice for her 'clients.'

Yeah, things are different now that dad's a raccoon, but they're pretty okay.  I just wish he hadn't given us all a case of raccoon roundworm because that shit is about to kill me.  Literally.

Interspecies romance

Strange days at Monkey Central

We spent most of yesterday awaiting the rains from the tropical storm in the Gulf of Mexico/New Orleans to hit us. Sadly, as I type this, we haven't seen much out of it yet. However the humidity hung in the air like the scent of stale sweat and patchouli that follows in the wake of a dirty hippie or some schmuck who follows Phish obsessively.

Then about 3:00 PM we, and by we I mean Sparky, noticed something hanging in tree that shadows part of our back deck:
Click on the picture so you can get a good look at the raccoon laying there on the tree branch. At first we thought he was dead, and yes we assume it's a male, but then after banging on pots and making other noises he stirred and even turned to look at us:
It's kind of creepy to have a raccoon that close to our back door and it's especially creepy to have one who just lays there and stares at us like we're objects of his amusement. On one hand I was glad he wasn't dead because when I called the animal control in my city they told me that they didn't mess with wild animals and that I had to call the TN Wildlife Resource Agency, which is closed for the long holiday weekend. On the other hand I don't want this wild animal coming at us if it's got rabies, distemper, or some other disease, although we think he may have eaten the blue block of rat poison I had tossed out next to our garbage can, we had a mouse problem back earlier in the spring and when we, and by we I mean Sparky, moved the stove the other day to clean behind it, she found one of the old blocks of poison and I tossed it outside thinking that it might attract rats or mice which it would eventually kill.

Then faster than President Obama could cave to the right wing yet again, night fell and we looked out back to see it Rocky Raccoon was still there. And lo, and behold, he was. He'd moved up closer to the main trunk of the tree but he was still laying up there judging us and thinking his raccoon thoughts. So if he's still out there tomorrow I'll probably call the cops to see if they'll shoot him since he may be carrying a disease. And if he's dead then I'll screw my courage to the sticking point and I'll move him to the road and then I'll call the city to remove his carcass. Although on second thought I do recall that TN has a 'road kill' law that says you can keep and eat, if you so choose, road kill. Yeah, I know it's fucked up but they passed that law so people who hit deer could get it butchered, personally, I never cared for the taste of venison at all.

We're still expecting torrential rains from the tropical storm over the next few days, so maybe it will drive our addled raccoon out and back to whence he came. But one way or another, he's got to go.