It's time to check in with the cleaning lady

Hey cleaning lady, you look down in the dumps. What's up? You didn't go and huff some ammonia mixed with bleach again did you?
No. I told you already I only did that those tens of times because I was drunk. No, see, I'm down in the dumps over all the nonsense the conservatives are pulling.

Oh yeah, like what?

Like this Sarah Palin shit. She ups and quits in the middle of her first term and then she says she's not a quitter and that she's actually a fighter and all the Republicans and their toads on FOX Noise fall all over themselves making excuses for her. If I upped and quit my job I'd lose my house and my car. No one lauds me for going to work every day and cleaning up after people. Oh crap, excuse me. I need to clean that off the window before it dries.


What was it?

Well Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) was just here and he got excited telling me all about his affair with his Argentine soul mate. He got so excited that he squirted some spuzz on the window.

Ewwwww.

Aaaaah, I've seen worse.

Really?

Sure. I had to clean up after Sen. Ensign (R-Nev.) and since I know some young kids read this blog, let's just say that after him and that married woman he was banging got done with their business there was lots of skidmarks on the walls and floors and and broken vials that needed cleaning up.

Broken vials? You know what was in them? Were they doing drugs?

They didn't contain drugs, they were filled with the tears of small children who were frightened by clowns. Ensign uses them as a personal lubricant. Hey, can you move for a minute? I need to scrub up the place where John McCain's adult diaper exploded.

What else is eating at you cleaning lady?

Get this, the conservatives who are getting the best health care our government has to offer want to make sure that people like me don't get it. If it's good enough for them, how come I can't have it? They say it's too expensive but hell, we've found enough money to pay for two wars. Why can't we find enough money to insure all Americans? Instead of calling it 'single payer health care for all' let's call it 'fighting the war on terror' and then they'll bend over backwards to pay for it.


You seem pretty smart cleaning lady. Why don't you run for office some day?

Because I've got too much self respect and I can't talk out of both sides of my mouth while screwing the public over at the same time. You know what I'd like to do though? I'd like to ram this vaccuum hose nozzle up all the butts of all the conservative politicians and vaccuum the hypocrisy right out of them.
Oh cleaning lady, you know they don't make a vaccuum big enough to hold all that.

Yeah, I know, it's just a dream I have. It's kind of like my other dream...

Which is?

That one day I'll be able to huff ammonia and bleach without blacking out.

It's time for another episode of 'Fun with South Carolina politicians'

"Hey everybody, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford here. How ya'll doin'? I guess you heard about me cheatin' on my wife. There was a few things I forgot to add about this whole affair at the press conference so I wanna use this space Dr. Monkey has given me to expound on a few things.

First off, I want ya'll to know I was this far off from being born a girl.
Hahahaha, just kiddin.' I'm a Republican sex machine so you know I'm packing some serious heat. You ladies out there are asking yourselves, how big is he? I know you are. I'm not gonna tell you because I was taught not to do two things, brag about my dong and take stimulus money from a black dude, but I can show you how big I am:Oh yeah, so you can see why I had to cheat on my wife. With that much of me to go around how can I be expected to keep it in my pants? And ya'll know what? It's cool that I dipped my extra large wick in that Argentine cooz because before I tapped it, I prayed on it and Jesus told me it was cool if I did it. He also told me to sacrifice one of my sons on an altar and to shave my head and wear wiglet named Herman but I was pretty sure he was just fuckin' with me so I didn't do the last two things. I know in my heart Jesus was okay with it, hell one out of three ain't bad!

Jesus is also cool with a dude gettin' a little thumb up his butt action while engaged in sweet sweet heterosexual activity. My wife wouldn't believe me no matter how many times I told her about it. So I had to give myself the old thumb in the poop shute every once in a while just for kicks. Which is why she started callin' me 'Stinkfinger.' And every time she did that I'd have to remind her that the thumb ain't a finger, it's a thumb. And that's another reason why I had to have my affair because my wife was maknig fun of Jesus approved sex practices. 'Stinkfinger' my ass, I really showed my wife who's got the stinky finger didn't I?

But you know what? After Jesus told me it was okay to stray and I banged that Argentine gal, I got hooked on doin' it with other peoples besides my wife. My lust for new conquests knew no bounds. Here's a shot of me hittin' on a black dude:

He gave me the brush off but I hooked up with that Jew Elliot Spitzer and we had a three way with a green toothed road whore in a truck stop along Interstate 95 outside of Orangeburg, SC. Good times, good times.

And now that I got caught, don't think I'm gonna stop. This cat is out of the bag and I'm out for new and more dangerous kicks baby. I plan to go to a glory hole, get greased up with Larry Craig and go to some airport restrooms, take my sons to swinger parties, but before I do all that, I've got a date with a couple of pigs:And as soon as I get rid of these hogs, me and these reporter pigs are gonna get hopped up on some LSD and V8 juice while we get naked and explore each others body cavities.

What? It's not like I don't have the time, the legislative session is over and I just got back from a bone burying expedition to Argentina, so my schedule is clear. Bring on the good times baby!"