And now an important message from Fred Thompson

Hello America. I'm pretty tuckered out after running so hard in Iowa and New Hampshire. And yes, I'm kind of disappointed in my showing so far in this Presidential race. Sure I came in fourth or something in Iowa and I just got my ass handed to me by Ron Paul and Rudy Giuliani in New Hampshire. But you know what America? Even if that rube Huckabee beats me and if that fancy underpants wearing Mormon whips me again, I got something that they ain't got. I got a hot wife with big tits.
That's right America. That's mine. Them boobs she's got, they're mine too. And you know what? The biggest reason I should be President is because if I could close the deal and marry a hot young gal like this, imagine what I'd be able to do if I was President.Seriously, look at those things, they're busting out all over. Sometimes they exert their own gravitational pull. And I know the Post Office is going to give them things their own zip code soon.

You know what you won't get if I'm not elected President? You won't get to see those magnificent milk jugs plastered all over the news for four years. Hey, you think Ron Paul's wife has a pair like that? Heck America, I'm not sure if he's even married. And have you seen Huckabee's old lady? Pee yew, she's a big ol' horse. Cindy McCain is kind close to my wife in the looks department but I'd like to remind you that her baby making eggs are all gone now, but my wife still has her eggs. So that means she can still shoot out babies. Tell ya what America, if you vote for me I'll select a few hundred of you and ya'll can hop in the sack with my pretty lil wife and ya'll can maybe make a baby with her. Would any other candidate do that? Nope. Only me.

Wooo, wouldn't ya'll like to get her knocked up? Vote for me and I'll make it happen. Don't vote for me and I go away and I'll take her and her boobs with me. I mean it. I'm not playing here. Just think how much you'd miss gandering at her taa taa's.

Mmm, I love it when she raises her hand.
America, ya'll just need to stop asking me all them silly questions about foreign policy and domestic policy and ya'll needs to just focus on her cleavage.On her fun bags. On her doo dahs.
See that America? That picture right above? I made her wear that get up on our wedding day. If I could convince a gal to wear something that slutty on what's supposed to be the happiest day of her life, then just think what I'd do with them Soviets and Viet Cong.

So in closing America, let me just say....Oh sorry, I was sneaking a peek at her ninny pies. In closing just let me say that I'm still in this race and that if more horny guys voted for me because they wanted to see more of my wife then I'd be winning this thing by now. So ya'll just get on board and vote fer me and I'll tell Jeri to start wearing tube and halter tops. Or maybe I'll have her wear a couple of band aids and a pair of hot pants. Then ya'll would vote fer me fer sure.

I'll see ya out on the campaign trail!

Up to the minute New Hampshire primary news...

Rudy Ghoulani courted the Jewish vote in the granite state with a barbecue dinner yesterday.

Fred Thompson rallied his base late into the night last night. Two out of his three voting age supporters promised they'd consider voting for him but only if his wife showed them her boobies.

And in other election news,

Jesse Jackson has gotten his Rainbow Coalition back together. No word yet on who they'll be backing.

Interview with Fred Thompson

I managed to track Fred Thompson down for this the last of my interviews with the Republican Presidential candidates but to be honest after interviewing all the other rich old crazy Reichwingers, I couldn't stomach talking to ol' fraud Fred. But not to worry folks, I asked my fellow Tennessean the lovely Reese Witherspoon to interview him for us!

Dr. Monkey: Reese, thanks so much for doing this. If I had to talk to one of those crazy bastards again I'm afraid I would have committed murder.



Reese Witherspoon: Oh, no problem Dr. Monkey. I'm happy to help the wheels of democracy spin! It's ever so important that all voters know exactly where the candidates stand.

Dr. M: I mean it, thanks. I'll be in the next room if there any trouble. I'm gonna put on a Wayne Newton CD and dance around while you do this dirty deed for me.

RW: Okay cutie. Have fun!
Dr. M: You too sweetie! Okay send in old fraud Fred.


Fred Thompson: Well, well lookie here who they got interviewing me. It's little Reese Weatherston.


RW: Witherspoon.


FT: Whatever. Come sit next to Pappa Fred and you ask him whatever little questions you got honey bunny.


RW: I'll just sit here across the room from you. I hope you understand.




FT: I'll tell you what I understand, I understand that you've grown up quite a bit young lady. And you've filled out too. Heh, heh, heh.





RW: Ummm, could you stop looking at my boobs? My face is up here.

FT: I was just enjoyin' your God given beauty lil lady. A nice smellin' old white dude like me is entitled to oogle you pretty gals.

RW: You are creeping me out, please stop it. Now, I wanted to ask you about the bogus war on terror that you support...


FT: Heh, heh, heh, that is so cute. A fine looking lil piece of tail like you trying to act all smart like you know what's going on and askin' me that question and all. You know what honey? You are just so cute I'm gonna have to give you a little kissey.


RW: Stay right where you are and stop looking at my boobs!


FT: Now, now, you calm down lil Missy. Ol' Uncle Fred don't mean you no harm. He just wants to search you for WMD's, heh, heh, heh.

RW: You calm down you old letch. Tell me your position on a woman's right to choose.


FT: You gals have got the choice of being on top of me or me being on top of you! That's the only choice I'm willing to give y'all.


RW: Wow. You know what? I bet you can't even get it up anymore.

FT: Oh don't you worry about that you lil hot potato you. Uncle Fred carries a pocket full of Viagra at all times. Here stick your hand in there and feel it.



RW: I'd rather suck start a 727 jet than touch you.






FT: Now we both know you don't mean that. We both know that all you Southern gals want to jump my bones. Why look at my sexy young wife Terri. She wants to ride my throbbin' bobbin all the time. We've even had a kid and no my kid does not look like the pool boy no matter what rumors you hear. And look at that country singer Lorrie Big Jugs. She wanted me too, still does in fact. And you're just another in the long line of Southern gals who want Pappa Fred to give them the ol' hot BBQ injection.




RW: I'd rather seal my vagina forever with Krazy Glue than make the beast with two backs with you.






FT: Now, now, you cain't mean that. You're a Memphis girl and that means you all want to have sex with me. I'm tellin' you girl, this body of mine is so hot that all y'all love it like a Democrat loves a social welfare program.









RW: Okay, this is good. We're coming back to politics again. Now, tell me what are the two most pressing issues out there today?









FT: Heh, heh, heh, your right boob and your left boob pressing up into my out stretched hands. Ya'll ever hear of a lil thang called motorboatin'? I'd love to try that on you Reesey.









RW: Umm, no thanks. Boy I see why Dr. Monkey hates doing these interviews with all of you now. Hey. I've got an idea. Let's play a game shall we? It's called, "Who's won what." Raise your hand if you've won an Academy Award. Well I see only my hand is in the air.






FT: Now that's not fair. I'm not near as good an actor as you are. I've never been nominated for an Oscar. But I have been nominated for KKK Man of the Year for my portrayal of a white supremacist on Wiseguy.








RW: Let's recap shall we? Oscar winner, me. Sex mad old fraud, you. I win. Now, you'll need to get out of here now. Dr. Monkey and I are going for a swim and you need to leave so we can fumigate this room. Thanks for dropping by and please don't come again. Bye now.





























RW: That was horrendous! I'm so proud of you for doing all the ones before that one. Hey, Monkey, can I tell you something?

Dr. M: Sure Reese.

RW: You're looking mighty hot.

Dr. M: You're not so bad yourself Reese. But unlike you I'm not available. Sorry sugar.

RW: (Sigh) All the good ones are taken. Oh well.