Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Who wears the fangs in this family?

I love the public domain film channels on Roku. I just watched this film on one of them:
Oh lord, it was so so bad. Allow me to break it down for you, and yes there will be spoilers.

One dark night in the 1950's a young couple of 40 year old teenagers leave a party so they can make out and possibly have sex. Where do they go you ask? Why to a graveyard of course! The young man kisses the girl coyly and then he proposes. The girl accepts and they move to the backseat of the car. While in the backseat the young man kisses the girl and he slides his hand in the top of her blouse, above her breast. He's near second base and about to slip her the tongue when a scary man who just got out of a grave looks into the car window.

The grave guy, obviously aroused, because hey, who doesn't get a stiffy watching a guy grope a girl near her tit, tears the car door off and proceeds to kill the 'young' man. Then he grabs the girl, who looks like a skinny low rent version of Jenny Agutter, tosses her in an empty grave, not the one he came out of, and they make sweet sweet undead love.

The next day the cops investigate and they question the girl who got raped by the undead guy. One cop suspects a vampire, the other looks like he's Jonesing for a couple dozen doughnuts. Turns out the girl is pregnant but her doctor isn't happy about it because somehow he knows she's carrying the baby of a vampire, I guess they had tests for that sort of thing back in the early '50's. The doctor tells her to get an abortion, she refuses because she thinks the baby daddy is the dude she left the party with who got killed, I guess some of his sperm magically left his penis, went into his finger tip, and when he groped the area above her boob some dribbled down and made it's way inside her. Or not.

In literally the next scene after she finds out she's knocked up, she gives birth. Something is wrong with the baby though. He's an unholy shade of gray and he won't take milk. But when his mommy dearest cuts her finger a drop of blood falls on his little lips and he licks it up. She puts two and two together and she starts feeding him blood. Then we are treated to scenes of a woman holding the hand of a child who is filmed whilst standing in shadows. Then suddenly we're in the 1970's and the boy is now a man.

Yeah, I know, I couldn't believe it myself. Anyhoo...

The boy, played woodenly by William Smith, a character actor you've seen 1000 times in other films, he's made a career of playing bad guys, villains, and ne'er do wells, is attending a night class on myths and folklore that's taught by a shady looking professor. In voiceover we learn that the mother told the kid about how he was conceived and how his real daddy is a vampire. And then it turns out that vampire is the professor! He digs college campuses because he likes the young women and their groovy 1970's blood.

After a lecture about a legendary vampire, who is really the college professor who is teaching the class!, the professor has a one on one with an icy hot blond woman who is supposed to be British. Turns out she looks like the first wife the vampire had, who had gotten burned at the stake. The vampire doesn't suck her blood yet, he decides to wait.

Meanwhile, the son of the vampire goes to the apartment of a woman he met in class, who it turns out is roommates with the icy hot blond! At the apartment a party breaks out and token blacks decked out in '70's finery dance and leer suggestively at white people. The gal who brought the vampire's son home attempts to seduce him in front of the rest of the party attendees, who look on approvingly. After her seduction doesn't turn out too well she pawns off the icy hot blond on him when she comes home. When they leave the gal who wasn't the icy hot blond figures out that the professor is really the vampire!, so she sends out her mind message to him to come to her place. While the professor is on his way, his son is shagging the icy hot blond who looks like his dad's first wife. And he's doing it in his apartment which it turns out is just a flight of stairs up from the party!

Yeah, I know...anyhoo...

The vampire professor finally shows up, promises to turn the gal who called him into a vampire so they can get married and live through all eternity, and then he kills her because she didn't have what it took to keep him interested through all of eternity. After the son of the vampire gets done shagging the icy hot blond she falls asleep but she wakes up in time to go home, take, a shower, and discover her dead roommate.

Then, and this part just killed me, the next day the icy hot blond, the vampire's son, and some people from the class show up at the vampire's house for a seance. And they all act like nothing happened the night before! A dead roommate with no blood in her corpse didn't stop these people from having a good time.

Yeah, I KNOW...

At the seance the professor tries to get the spirit of his first wife to go into the body of the icy hot blond. But things go bad when the spirit of the woman he killed the night before goes into her and nearly takes her over. But the icy hot blond shakes her out of her body and then passes out. The vampire's son picks her up and takes her upstairs where I thought he was going to make sweet sweet undead love to her. But when he heard shots ring out down stairs he rushes in to find that his daddy went all vampire on the other party guests and killed them. Finally, they fight and finally in that fight the kid admits who he is. His daddy laughs like crazy, because all vampires do that shit when they find out paternity, and then the fight some more. The son ends up killing his dad but when he does his fangs come out and oh my gosh! he turns into a vampire like his daddy! And he slowly turns and goes up the stairs to feed on the icy hot blond.

This move was just awful. The two male leads, who both have done better work in other projects, were as charismatic as two by fours. At times I laughed out loud at the bad acting and dullard expressions and emotions some of the actors came up with. And apparently this film killed the career of the icy hot blond woman, an actress by the name of Lyn Peters, because this was her last film.

The sets were interchangeable, literally. The police examination room looked suspiciously like the hospital room which looked suspiciously like the vampire professor's office later in the film The print that I watched was awful. In the first third of the movie everything was differing shades of purple and obscured by fog, which made everything look even murkier. Then when the film flash forwarded to the 1970's everything was differing shades of beige.

All in all though, this was a fun movie. It was so bad and wooden that it was a pleasure to see how bad it could get. It's definitely the kind of movie that used to play at one in the morning in drive in movie theaters.

3 comments:

kirby said...

I would totally watch this movie.

We watched "Glen or Glenda" the other day. There is something so perfect about how genuinely bad that movie is that just kills me.

Mnmom said...

I would watch it too - but only if you are there for commentary.

Brian Busby said...

Okay, you sold me, I just had to watch it - on YouTube, no less. But really, "a low rent version of Jenny Agutter"? Lowest rent is more apt, I think.