Thursday, September 15, 2011

Nic Cage answers some fan mail

Dear Nic,
Why do you do so many shitty movies? Do you really need all that money? I liked you best in the small independent films you used to make.
Lucy Van Pelt

Yo Lucy,
Did you miss the fact that I have a son I named Kal-El? And yes, that's Superman's birth name. I figure any kid of mine is gonna need intensive therapy and one with a name like Kal-El is gonna need it even more than the others. Therapy ain't cheap so I gotta keep bringing in the bucks while I still can. And seriously, all these crazy ass wigs I wear ain't cheap either, so fuck you. I'll do any movie that comes my way as long as they pay me cash money. Yo Hollywood, make it rain, make it RAIN.
Your friend,
Nic Cage

Dear Nic,
Con Air has to be the worst movie ever. No wait, I just remembered Roadhouse. So you're off the hook.
Insincerely yours,
Jean Siskel

Hey Jean,
Until you skull fuck Steve Buscemi, you'll never know what it's like to walk a mile in my underwear.

Dear Nic,
When it comes to potatoes, which do you prefer, fries or chips?
Fatty Carbuncle

That's a trick question. You're British. I seen the postmark on your email, what you call chips is what we call fries. Now, you wanna get drunk with me next time I come over there? And if you do can we hook up with Princess Posh Spice?

Can you give me your cousin Sofia Coppola's phone number? She's really pretty and I bet we'd hit it off. I'm thinking she's pretty good in the sack too.
Yours (but not any more),
Lisa Marie

Lisa Marie,
Sure, now that you and I are divorced you're into gettin' it on with the girls. When we was married you wouldn't even discuss it. And holy shit, Sofia Coppola is my cousin? I learn something new every day.


Blueberry said...

I might check out "Season of the Witch" from the library because I enjoy bad movies sometimes, and this one looks like a prize-winning stinker.

Caffeinated Joe said...

I cannot stand Cage, no matter what he's in. If I see his name, I just avoid it.

Anonymous said...

Lisa Marie's letter made me giggle a little bit.

SkylersDad said...

Well done sir.