"I just know I got raptured 'cos I'm such a good Christian and all. So far heaven looks a lot like what it used to look like on earth. There's only one problem with this place though, there's still Mexicans here. I'm not sure why God lets though soulless beaners up here. Oh well, he works in some mysterious ways, so I guess it's all for the best."
"Of course I still believe in the holy word as preached by Harold Camping. After all if he was wrong about the rapture then he might just be wrong about everything else and holy shit, I can't have that. Praise Jesus!"
"Look, I know I'm just a baby and all but I'm pretty certain that Jesus didn't come back because Christians aren't hating gays, blacks, liberals, and women enough. And I'm also pretty certain I just shit my pants. Yo, I need a ass cleaning and a fresh diaper over here."
"What's the big freakin' deal? I have a rupture almost every week. What's that? Oh, rapture. Oh, my no, that shit is nuts. Ain't gonna happen."
"I know I'm in the minority here but I'm not worried about the rapture. I'm more worried that the homeless are going without food and shelter. I'm also worried that people with HIV/AIDS don't get enough care, respect, and love. And kids, I worry about kids not being taken care of properly, so I spend my time working on that kind of stuff instead of going around being a dick towards others."