Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Things that need to stop right this second

  • I'm 47, soon to be 48 in October (start shopping for my birthday now!), unless you're over 70 you don't get to play the 'Oh, I'm older than you, so obviously, I know more than you do but your little opinion is soooooo cute,' card with me. I've lived enough to have earned my opinions and views.
  • You're welcome to comment on my Facebook wall but you're not allowed to hijack it with you're disagreements or even you're agreements. If you feel that passionately about what I said on my wall, go write about it on yours. And remember, it's my wall and I get the last word on it, even if I have to remove your comments.
  • Hey grocery store clerks, top rolling your eyes when I tell you up front that I brought my own grocery bags and that I'll bag my own groceries. I tell you up front so that you won't waste any plastic bags on me and if I don't tell you up front, you automatically reach for plastic. I'm not trying to put anyone out of a job, I'm trying to bag the stuff I buy the way I want it bagged. It's my right, I paid for the stuff after all.
  • The correct response when someone thanks you for something is, "You're welcome." It's not, "No problem."
  • Stop acting like it's the end of our friendship if we disagree about something. We don't have to agree with one another 100% of the time.
  • If I send you a package in the mail, make sure you let me know you got it. You don't have to thank me, or tell me what I sent you sucked, just let me know if you got it. Well, okay, it wouldn't kill you to thank me.
  • Pretending that your run in with a dread disease, past abuse at the hands of someone else, or your fucked up family history is an excuse for your bad behavior today is not going to cut it. You want to play those cards? Fine. I'll match you. We'll go tit for tat. Or we can act like adults and accept the consequences of our actions.
That's all I can think of but I'm sure I'll add something later. Now, you all need to get started on not doing any of the shit I just listed above.

Seriously, go on...get on it.

Don't make me come after you...


Professor Chaos said...

there used to be a radio host in LA who, when someone played the "I'm older than you" card would respond that just because one is aged does not mean he is saged. It sounds a lot cooler with his British accent.

Devilham said...

well, ok, I'll start...you sent me a vintage post card, and some christmass cards...and I really appreciated both! So thanks! I hear you on the disagreement thing....I have a friend who gets so worked up because I like a certain band that he doesn't, and I always quip that one (we don't have to like the same things to be friends, sheesh!). Stay cool Dr. Monkerstein!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

In typical monkey fashion, you nailed two of my pet peeves (I have many) on the head - the "no problem/no worries" response to thank you, and not acknowledging receipt of something. You have always been good at that, my friend, and for that I thank you.

Anonymous said...

I feel like there are tones and overtones in "no problem" that sometimes express something "you're welcome" does not. Mostly having to do with being passive aggressive, but I do think there's an actual difference between the two things.

Other than that, I am completely on board with this dose of cranky. I would also add, to the grocery store clerks, LEARN YOUR PRODUCE. The people who work the registers at my local grocery store haven't the slightest idea what anything is. So they hold it up and say "what's this?"
"Red pepper."
[holding up a yellow onion] "This is a red onion, right?"


Bustednuckles said...

sometimes you crack me up, sometimes.

You're welcome.

gmb said...

I particularly agree with the last two. I'm anal. You have to tell me that you got something I sent to you. One of my relatives who I love is really bad at this. The whole lot, to be frank. Sigh.

Megan said...

I actually had a checker roll her eyes at me today when I tried to put my (just laundered this weekend) bags in her precious space.

I smiled at her and said, "That's okay, I'll do it."

And I have been checking my mail box every day. So far, zippo.

Blueberry said...

That last one gets me too. I don't know how many times I've heard a mass murderer (or insert heinous activity here ____) defended with an upbringing somewhat like mine.